Any other childless chicken moms out there?

[wren]

I don't have any children and I'm a single chicken mom. I'm 38 and I dread going to reunions. They don't bother to ask about my love-life or my siblings' anymore, they want to know if anyone has had a child! I hate being the representative of my "dead branch" of the family tree (my cousins aren't having kids either). An aunt of mine questioned, "What did we do wrong?" asking me to explain what the older generation did to cause my generational age group not to have children. Our families expect it of us. Sigh.

I want a husband and he is out there right now somewhere waiting on me. If he has kids, great! If he doesn't, we will travel more! Pushing a child out of my uterus? Umm, if it's a miracle conception then sure. But I don't want to.

I can't remember if I've heard a phrase that I like that describes not having a child that I like. To me childless is well less than otherwise, and that doesn't fit. Childfree, better IMO, but again I don't like that connotation either.

AgilityScots, thank you for this thread I did not realise that I was carrying this around.

 

[speckledhen]

Heck, being pregnant and having the baby is the easiest part! If I could do that then poof! No baby! Great. But then there's that person you're tied to for life. And if something ever happens to my husband, I'll never remarry or even date anyone. The thought of taking on anyone else's family give me cold chills! I didn't allow my kids to be brats, but parents who make their kids tow the line these days are rare. Mine didn't have cellphones, pagers, gameboy type things, etc. Most didn't have children as early as I did so any man I was with anywhere near my own age would probably have a teenager; once again.. ((((SHUDDER))))) Nope, I did my time. I'm out of it and thank goodness I'm way past the point of caring what anyone thinks of me anymore, LOL. Everyone should make this personal decision based on their own desires, not someone else's. Then everyone else needs to keep their mouth shut and let 'em live their lives. Who's gonna pay for the kid's college and mistakes? Not the ones who are trying to make you feel guilty and selfish.

 

[thndrdancr]

I must feel the need to "mother" somewhat, cuz I sure mother these silly chickens to death.

They are my kids. We even call them "the kids".

 

[Laura16002]

I'll jump in.
I am 37, happily married and don't have kids. I've spent my entire reproductive life trying hard NOT to get pregnant. What a lot of stress and anxiety! A couple years ago, my Gyne told me about the Essure implants that block the fallopian tubes and can be inserted without making any incisions. I went for it and have never looked back.
Honestly, I'm not even crazy about other people's kids. And they seem drawn to me for some reason. It's like the same way cats always pester people who are allergic to them, you know.

 

[EweSheep]

Wow! Thanks for bring this topic up...all you guys are very enlighting!

I was too of the idea of being childless...my husband and I thought alike if kids are meant to be here, so be it. If not, that is fine too. Well I would not take anything back about having my daughter who is now three years old and thinking back, as I said to my husband, I wish we didnt have her because of us, limited finances, wanting to come and go, traveling and devote my time getting some chicks and raise beautiful chickens and horses. On the other hand, my daughter loves my chicks and chickens and alot of times I see her in me as younger and what my mother had told me about when I was younger.....Dont get me wrong, I love my daughter all my heart but I dont have that STRONG maternal instinct like my sister does but I still give her my time and hubby's time to be with her. Now with complications from C section, infections after infections, I decided to cut the tubes and be done with. Glad I did. My father in law was furious about my decision...my decision alone even my husband side me with my decision too, of not having another child, a grandson he wanted so bad...all for ONE reason...to carry on the male line.....what an a$$. I told him I can not have another child even I had a wonderful pregnancy and labor was fine until at the end which my daughter head was lodged deep in my pelvic "pocket" that affected the sciatic nerve and I never did recover from that...to this day I still have problems. He told me that the "tubes" can untie themselves and I can get pregnant again. NO WAY! (I threatened my OB doc to cut, burn, remove LOT of inches of tubes and guarantee one hundred percent that I dont get pregnant again OR I WILL COME AFTER YOU WITH THE LIFETIME OF BILLS from the time she was born to the day she graduate from college LOL!). My sister in law was one of those wanted to be childless but after she found out that I was pregnant, she had to get a child with her hubby which he is of advance age...she was 40 when she had my nephew all because of the attention and so called glamour of motherhood. I knew darn well motherhood is not all cracked up to be and get a realistic view of sleepless nights and sick days and crabby days. She had told me the other day that she wished she never had kids but now she has a son and on BC. (not always fool proof and still can get preggers). Anyway,
my FIL to this day is not happy with our decision of having no more kids....our lovely daughter is all we need and want and be able to give her the happiness and stablitity even our funds are short and limited.

For a long time, alot of my relatives asked me have I found someone...NO, not interested. "OH one of these days you will find someone and have kids".....well, it was my own sweet time and my own decision of when, where and how I would find someone and have kids was up in the air. I have NO regrets of marrying my husband nor my daughter being in our lives. I was sexually molested as a child and my parents were told but they thought I was making it up and the scar I carried thru most of my childhood and adult life until I met my husband that all guys are not like that. I wanted NOTHING to do with men nor have the time for them and scared crap about sex because it hurts. (Little did I know). Now I have to teach my daughter likewise in what from right and wrong and whatI had to endured, and be respectful in her decision if she wants to have kids or not AFTER she grads from high school and left home.

I have to agree with SpeckledHen....I might just go down the same road as she did hoping that our children will succeed in life. Same as being pregnant as well LOL.

Kudos for those who wants NO kids or decided not to have any kids or unable to have kids.....it is their decisions and we must understand it is their lives, not ours to have the pressure on them ot have kids. I dont push the issues with them either because I understand it, I was once that way too. Pets are my kids and I devote alot of time with them until I met my hubby and a good hobby that followed with it. I dont even ask either if they are going to have kids or expecting kids or something is wrong with them. There are lot of (married or not) people out there are just as happy as couples with children.

So keep on this enlighting topics......dont let anyone tell you that you MUST have kids simply because of their own reasons or unrealistic point of view on parenthood or motherhood or a legacy that the family is dying to pass on as if it is their birthright. If they threatened you to take you out of the will because of yoru decisions of not having kids, so be it and they are the ones who are losing out and they will have to accept the decisions or not of your decisions whether or not you want to have kids. Not everyone is suited to be loving and devoted parents...... If I want to turn the tables on them, let them adopt a kid themselves and see what kind of reaction they will express...NOOOOOOOOOO! Well, then quit asking me when I am going to meet someone and quit asking me when I am going to have kids!

 

[mom'sfolly]

I've sort of been on both sides on the street on this one. Last night my husband and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary, and we have two sons 9 and 6. This means, for us, that for 10 years we were childless by choice. For a long time I was ambivalent about having children and did not want to have children in the area I was living in. We did get the questions, but after 10 years, people begin to give up. My mother was certainly surprised when we did have kids.

In our childless years we ate out at nice places, traveled, bought our first home, went away on weekends on a whim, both worked, and enjoyed ourselves. Choosing not to have children is something far to many feel free to comment on. The worst one I remember is being told that I needed to have kids because I was white and educated. This was wrong on so many levels and part of the reason I had no desire to have children in that place.

I had two boys, who are the dearest things in my life. One of my joys is discovering who they are and who they will be. But life is more complicated now. Having children makes you an instant emotional hostage, your life forever intwined in another persons. They also make you a hostage to the future. You must care about your decisions and make life choices based on the needs of others. On our anniversery dinner my husband was expressing that he was not enjoying work much these days and said he remembered when he was excited, always had new ideas and enjoyed the challenges. He can't, because he supports three other people, take his life in a completely new direction. But he also realizes that life brings changes, and that now he is very involved in his childrens life, his sports and other things, and that the joy in work will come around again.

In our parenting years we still travel, eat out at fast food places, camp a lot, get up too early for swim team, meet with teachers, give birthday parties, drive kids to activities, marvel at the amount of noise two boys and their friends can make, and tape every TV show we want to watch. Life is DIFFERENT, not better, or worse.

I still don't like little babies, and they hate me too. I would have been disappointed if I could not have had children, but not devastated. And I thank god for birthcontrol. I figure without it I would have between 15 and 19 children by now. I'm grateful for the choices I've had and for a family that for the most part never questioned those choices.

Sorry, I'm so long winded.

And for those of you who had your gatherings pre-empted. HOW RUDE. hopefully;, they manage to teach their offspring better manners.

 

[Agilityscots]

Quote:
LOL Arwmommy, you're funny (re: prostitute comment). And thanks for clarifying, that makes a lot more sense. It really does stink that our culture veils motherhood and scams women out of the truth. I think you'd be interested in reading The Mask of Motherhood by Susan Maushart.

Amy

 

[Agilityscots]

Quote:
No problem...I know how lonely it can be sometimes, and I hate feeling like the black sheep or the oddball in my family too. Granted, most of it is self-inflicted, but the occasional comment always brings it right back again. I always have to remind myself that THEY are the ones with the problem with my life. I'm quite happy with it.

Amy

 

[GAhen]

I am 47 and my 24 year old son is out of college, married and EMPLOYED!!!!!!
My husband and I love being "empty nesters", but of course we would always here the......
" well you only had one, what if you had two or three".......well, we had one because we wanted one....But I told my DH if our son and his wife did not want children, I would be fine with that. We are just happy the way things are.......but they do eventually want kids and I am sure I will love being a granny..........I love kids!
Having a child is both a joy and a heart-ache.
I am very proud of my son, and I am VERY glad he is all grown up!

 

[Agilityscots]

Quote:
My grandmother thinks I'm sublimating by substituting my dogs for a "happy family life." She's never said anything directly to me, but I hear it through the grapevine. She's actually told my sister that having a few kids would "settle me down"! And I'm left to ask, why do I need "settling down"? What am I doing that's so out of control?

And it's funny because she was a single mother in the fifties (!), and she struggled, in abject poverty, to raise my mother and her two sisters. So it's pretty funny hearing that from her!

I know I'm not sublimating, with either dogs or chickens...even though others might think I am! (but I do call myself mommy and my husband daddy when talking for the dogs. I'd do that even if I had kids!)

Amy