Anyone have advice? Monster-In-Law is my grandma...

[MamaDoodle]

My husband and I are ready to pick up our daughter and leave.

We're at my grandma's house because I've never moved out and the rent is free. Awesome, right? We get free roofing, free food, and immediate babysitting available. It's why I have tried to stay here this past year. But she is driving us insane!

She always seemed to like my husband before we got engaged, but then she started trying to introduce me to new guys. Once we got married, she started telling me hurtful things (i.e. I look pregnant, my job isn't good enough, I don't communicate well because I'm a hitch, etc) and making it sound like my DH is the one saying these things to other people.

She blames things on my husband, like a long distance call she was charged when we have our own phones.

And worst of all, if my DD is crying, I either have to pry her out of my grandma's arms or she tries to pull her out of mine; she comes in our room at night to make sure we put DD to bed correctly; she changes doctor appointments so she can make it and talk over me; and tells my husband we'll lose our daughter if anyone knew how abusive I am. Abuse, apparently, being taking my daughter for naps when she cries about it.

To me, free living is not worth this everyday fighting. I can't tell her how hurtful she's being because my grandpa jumps in and yells at me to shut up and back off.

We're looking at rental places today, and she is crying at me that I'm traumatizing DD, am too inexperienced, and need to stay here. The last time we found a good place, she drove to it and cussed everyone out and ripped up the paperwork.

My husband leaves for boot camp the 5th, and when he gets back we're being stationed, so should I suck it up here or get out for a little while beforehand? I'm just worried staying will mean increased bullying from my grandma since my DH won't be here to back me up.

 

[ChickenCanoe]

Tough call. You're not getting family support. Sounds like she wants to control but doesn't want you to go. What will her hobby be then? The grandpa is probably telling you to shut up cause he thinks you should be grateful.
No new parents know how to raise kids but they do it and learn on the fly.
We got our first home from the hospital, looked at each other and said, "what now"?
If you can afford to rent and can't take another 5 or 6 months then I'd go now.
Good luck.

 

[cassie]

Go now. Your mental health and welfare is worth something. As it is the stress alone can depress your immune system to the point you can get very sick.Start looking for rental properties immediately. It isn't necessary to tell anyone what you are doing until you find a place. If she throws a hissy fit, let her. Even though it is hard, it is best not to respond to her arguments at all. If you can go into another room and shut the door, do so. If she threatens to call CPS, tell her to go ahead. There are some good books available on how to deal with toxic relatives and most of them are very affordable. Go on amazon.com and see what you can find. Methinks you are going to need the books even if you leave. It wouldn't hurt to quietly start boxing up things now so you will have less to do later. If she catches you just say you want to put the items in storage.

 

[PinkE]

Get outa Dodge now....it sounds like a disaster waiting for a place to happen....YOUR sanity is at stake....

 

[sourland]

Move out. It's got to be your call - not your husband's. She is after all your family. Possibly she is having some mental problems associated with aging, but you need to worry about yourself, daughter, and marriage.

 

[MamaDoodle]

We found a nice little place yesterday that allows animals! I was so happy DH said he'd go back Friday morning to put a deposit on it, and my neighbor said she would help us if we needed a trailer for furniture or a place to put anything.

I know nothing is final yet, but I've been relieved at the thought of getting out already. We'll see how it goes...

Cassie, I found a couple cheap paperbacks on Amazon I think I'll get myself for Christmas. I hope something will be more helpful than being told to start conversations with "I think" and "I feel."

ChickenCanoe, I hope that's his reason rather than denial that she's much meaner than she used to be, or worse, agreement with her. I am grateful, so I'm a bit guilty feeling about just up and leaving, but I think - as others here seem to as well - it's for the best.

I'll update this thread at moving time. :/

 

[petrel]

You are on the right track. Move ASAP!

Just keep in mind, as mentioned earlier, that there may be mental illness involved. Logic and reason may not apply when she decides how to respond. It is very important to protect your daughter from this situation.

 

[cassie]

I hope you don't say anything to grandma until everything is finalized. I don't like to be an alarmist, but do you have a safe place you can put the baby during the move? It doesn't sound like grandma is playing with a full deck and desperate people have been known to do desperate things. As for the books, I bought a couple some time ago for someone else in a similar situation. I read them before I gave them to her. I can't remember for sure what I got but think one of them was Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.

 

[alldembirds]

it will get better i promise, i have lived with my girlfriends 80+yr old grandparents for seven years and i know just how difficult/annoying it can be but i know without them our dreams wouldn't have come true and we wouldn't be about to move into our tiny cabin in the woods just hang in there it will be ok they constantly try to rule are lives and you just have to keep standing your ground

 

[cassie]

There is a big difference between dealing with bossy relatives and toxic ones. It sounds like your grandparents were just bossy, but from the OP's posts I think hers are toxic. The only way to deal with toxic people is distance. Lots of distance.