Boyfriend is being a butt.

[ICallMyselfCherie']

"Being a butt" is an expression he uses. And right now he is one.

We have been together for more than two years now. I moved into his house late last year, so about six months ago. We know each other really well, and he knows what kind of a person I am. He knows I'm honest to a fault.

Suddenly he is accusing me of stealing/throwing away/hiding/breaking/breaking and hiding his stuff. Not important stuff. Just stupid stuff. About three months ago he started accusing me of stealing his Windows 95 CD-ROM. Why? Where did he possibly come up with that? And even if I WERE the kind of person who steals things, which he SHOULD know I'm not, what POSSIBLE reason would I have for stealing his Windows 95 CD?? And what good would it do me to steal from him when we're LIVING TOGETHER anyway???

After three months of, "So, do you know where my Windows 95 is?" for the seventh or eighth time, and, "Where is my Windows 95? I just think maybe you know where it is", I told him I wasn't going to answer that question anymore, I had already answered him over and over and over and I was really getting p*ssed off, so don't ever ask me again.

One night, after he hadn't brought it up for a while and I thought it was all over, we were lying in bed starting to go to sleep and he says very sweetly, "Sweetie . . . do you know where my Windows 95 might be?" like he's going to trick me into admitting that I stole it and I won't notice because he said it in a sweet voice. I just laid there, staring at the ceiling and I said, "You think I STOLE it, don't you?" He didn't say anything. I jumped up and looked at him, and said , "Say it! SAY IT!!! You DO think I stole it, DON'T you???" He just looked at me. I was so mad. He wound up suggesting that maybe I hadn't stolen it, just gotten mad at him and stepped on it, or broke it accidentally and hid it because I was embarrassed. Aside from the fact that I don't get mad at people and just break their stuff, I told him if I HAD broken it because I was mad at him, I would have SHOWN him that I had broken it so he would know how mad I was!!! And accidentally breaking something then hiding it for three months and lying about it?? Come on.

Well, after yelling for a while and then bursting into tears from shear frustration, he held me and told me he was really sorry and he hadn't meant to "make me troubled". He said he didn't know why he had thought I had taken it and he was sorry he had been accusing me and maybe he was just being a butt. I was very glad that that meltdown had finally made him come to his senses. It has been a few weeks since then and everything has been fine.

Tonight he couldn't find the controller to the DVD player. He asked me if I knew where it was, and I didn't. So I helped him look for it, but we couldn't find it. I told him I thought I had put it with the other remotes near the TV yesterday or today, I couldn't remember which, and I didn't know where it was if it wasn't there. After several minutes I gave up looking. I was walking through the living room a minute later and he says bluntly, "So honey, where's the DVD Control?" I shot right back, "JIM, I don’t KNOW where the DVD Controller is," and stormed out.

I've come to the conclusion that he is insane. It is the only rational explanation for this madness.

 

[math ace]

WOW - WOW - WOW,

Consider it a warning / sign of things to come.

My Dh will ask me about missing items more than once - - - -
BUT that is just because he doesn't remember that we have already had this discussion. He has an AWFUL memory.

This doesn't seem to be the your case. Your partner seems to not believe you.

So o o o o o who has done the boy wrong in his past that he has trust issues now?

Are the trust issues something you can overcome?

Missing and misplaced items are part of life. . . . I could not deal with issues like yours on a regular basis.
He would have to start getting my "stink eye". Believe me - - - I have an excelllent "stink Eye".

 

[ICallMyselfCherie']

Quote:
Lol!! Could you teach it to me??

Well, I wish it were just a memory thing, but you're right. The only thing my boyfriend seems to have trouble remembering is that I've never double-crossed him.

That materialistic mistrust only started happening in the last several months. The first couple times I guess I didn't really notice the pattern, the next time I thought it was a fluke. Maybe not?

And you're right. There was someone who hurt him over and over, and he just couldn't give up on her. From everything I can gather about her she wasn't/isn't the kind of person who should even get a chance with someone like him, and nobody I'd ever want to have any contact with. But I just didn't think it really applied because that was a long time ago, and we're nothing alike in the ways that matter. He knows that. It may be more of a subconscious thing at this point, I don't know.

But maybe still he suspects I am like her. Come to think of it, when his mother heard this next thing, she said, "Well, it‘s hard when you‘ve had that happen before":

About a year ago he actually thought I cheated on him, which obviously I would never, never, never do. The whole thing was so stupid because I barely even knew the guy. Jim knew him just as well as I did, which was not much. We were all in a play together. One night we were in performance, then the next day my boyfriend and I spoke on the phone about three hours before we showed up for the next performance. When I got there he was all beat up about something. We had had a quarrel the night before, after the show, and I thought that was it. Nope. He was completely convinced that I had met up with this guy right before I got there. I didn't even have a CAR! My mother had to drive me to the theater like she always does when Jim doesn't take me. I was late for call time -- like I usually am -- and I apologized when I came in, saying my mom and I just pulled up outside. A minute later this other guy walks in and says he's sorry he's late, he just came from the gym.

Well, Jim seemed sad all night, and when the show was over he came up to me and said "Well . . . goodnight, sweetie", and kissed me goodnight. As he turned away to leave he looked like he was just falling apart, and that's when I realized it was something worse than I had thought. I stopped him and asked him what was going on, but for a minute he wouldn't -- or couldn't -- say a word. I led him over to a chair and sat him down so he could handle it, he looked dreadful. I thought he was going to say, “I don't think we should be together anymore," or some variation of that. Finally he said, "Well . . . when I was helping you with your makeup before the show, I saw a . . . mark on your neck," then he got all teary eyed and had to look away.

Well YEAH he saw a mark on my neck. That's why he was helping me with my makeup -- I can't put makeup all the way around the back of my neck by myself. I am so pale people in the theater teased me that I "glow under a black light", and here I was playing an Ojibwa Native American. I had to be covered from the knees and elbows down and the shoulders up with dark reddish brown oil-based makeup. All that comes out when I try to do the back of my neck is a series of smudges, no blending, which is the POINT of his helping me with makeup. Aaaargh! He said this guy and I both made too big a deal about where we had been right before we got there, and he'd seen that kind of thing before.

To me it seemed ridiculous. I was insulted by the accusation, hurt that he thought I am the kind of person who would do that to him, and just plain confounded as to the logic of how I could even have accomplished what he thought I did -- with only three hours since I talked to him, no car except the one I came in with my mother, and no means of contact with this guy I didn't even KNOW!! But . . . at the same time I was struck by how sweet he had been to me even when he thought I had done something that horrible to him. I said to him, "You called me sweetie even when you still thought I had cheated on you. You even gave me a kiss!” And he said, "Well . . . you're my sweetheart."


Well, I think I just proved your point. He does have trust issues. I just thought he was over them now that he was with me. And I certainly didn't expect him to regress into accusing me of ridiculous things like stealing the remote control, for heaven's sake.

But you're probably right. This is just a manifestation of a deeper issue. I need to address that if we're going to get through this.

And I'm sure we will, we always have. Which reminds me of something you said that makes me laugh when I read it:


Quote:
Hahaha, yeah, story of my life. My whole relationship with him is issues most people couldn't deal with. He's a very odd guy. That's what I like about him, but sometimes I wish he were more normal about certain things. In all honesty, I think he has a mild, high-functioning form of Asperger's Syndrome. When you look at the description of it, most of it pretty much fits him to a tee. But, while there are a lot of things that drive me crazy about him (the word insufferable comes to mind), in the end we really like being together, and he really is a very sweet guy. So we always work things out, even when they look really bad. We're getting better.

Hey, thank you so much for responding. I really needed to rant, and I guess I still needed to!! But I also needed advice, and I think you hit it right on. It makes sense. This trust issue is definitely the next issue I'm going to tackle with him.

It's going to take some work, and I’m sure I will be furious with him a lot along the way.

So I could still use some pointers on the "Stink Eye".

 

[schellie69]

I understand about the trust issue all my DH ex's had cheated on him so there were a lot of trust issues on both sides, I think maybe getting some professional help would work also maybe a minister or therapist to help you both talk in a neutral environment it might help I know it did with DH and I hope things get better and hopefully your boyfriend will relize that you are not the same as his ex. good luck and if you need to talk just PM me I will be happy to listen to you vent I am a great listener just as my DH

 

[lockedhearts]

I don't usually stereotype, but this is clearly a male/female thing. My HUbby and I have been together 9 years, but we dated in HS and have known each other for over 30 years. He constantly asks me if I know where this and that is and then when he finds them I get blamed for moving them. This from a man who has taken all my tools, out of my truck!
Men just think women should know where anything and everything is. They can't help it, they are flawed in this way, it all goes back to them being little boys and mama taking care of all their needs, this is also why their pants end up in the living room and the empty (soda, gatorade etc) bottles get put on the counter instead of in the trash.


BTW, tell him he needs to upgrade from Windows 95 anyway

 

[Camelot Farms]

I know this sounds like an over-reaction but.... R U N.... far and fast.

 

[chics in the sun]

My current boyfriend was also cheeted on by his ex-wife, but that is no excuse for the way he is behaving. It borders on paranoia, and he needs to speak with someone to overcome the trust issues before he is in a relationship. It is one thing to ask you once if you know where something went (and yes, that is male thing), but an entirely different matter to accuse you of stealing/ breaking his things to the point of harrassment. I would tell him it is over until he works on those issues and can trust you and treat you with respect.

 

[Gonzo]

Quote:

And don't look back! You can do better!

 

[MrsChickendad]

Please do not dismiss the Asperger's Syndrome. Marriage when one partner has AS is extremely difficult. One of my children is certainly going thru this and now has an AS child as well. There is an OCD component to it and they will get fixated on different things, like this situation. If you stay with him, no matter how great a guy he is at times, you will always be dealing with this. It is very hard to parent, especially an AS child, with an AS parent who is reactive and inconsistent.

Many people want to SAVE the "misunderstood" partner. If you are not equal (he puts you first, you put him first) it will not work because you will end up feeling bitter and used, and divorced. Make sure the person you choose as the father of your children is a MAN. JMHO.

Best of luck to you.

Try this for Asperger info: http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/

 

[Sher]

I agree with Camelot. I was married for 37 years and just lost my much loved husband before Christmas, but let me tell you. You cannot change them, nope, not now, not ever.

They are what they are. So, you have to decide if you can live your own life with this kind of strife or move on ( which would be my suggestion. There ARE good men out there) i hope you find one!

Sher Morrow
One Bearded Collie, four calves, two cats, three goats and 38 eggs coming for the incubator.
Oh, and one stray cat:/