darn it! XD
BYC Story Critique Group
- Thread starter NixNoodleNumbat
- Start date
- Thread starter
- #72
I'm gonna go through this as best I can. I have done a spelling/grammar/punctuation fix-up in Australian-English, so it might be a bit different to American-English.
Melisha
I walk through the gardens my mother used to grow, now they are overgrown. She was able to bend the plants to her will; but now she is dead and no one else in our clan can do it. There has been so much blood shed since her death.
This is really good. I think it's a good way to start the story.
I stop, someone is following me. I know who it is. "Gethara, you are still ticked about who was chosen as the heir, aren't you?"
A small rat-like thing scurries up, and tranforms into my older brother. He has long bright red hair. Yep, he was ticked.
"You think?" he bares his fangs at me, most people cower at the sight of him; but me? I just roll my eyes.
This is kinda funny. Good description of her brother.
"I am eldest. I should be heir. What did he see in you, other then you are a frail woman?" he growled, towering over me.
"If I am a frail woman, why do I command over 30 war ships? Ones that could destroy yours in a matter of seconds," I said calmly, not going to please him by going off. "We all know why anyway, remember your betrothal?"
He winces, everyone in the empire knows what happened about him and his betrothal.
Once it's fixed up, this is excellent! You can learn about spelling, grammar and punctuation; you can't learn to have a good writing style.
Rojon
I sit in my late sister's room. The sorrow is still in me. That so-called warrior prince, Gethara, should die for what he did to her.
The sound of shouting and my sister's screams as Gethara killed her still fill my ears. It was the day she told him he was betrothed to her. Everyone in the empire knew he loved a Lesha, a non-gifted one.
This is a good way to show backstory.
I was the first to see the room. The place was destroyed. He was still holding my sister by the neck as she took her last breath, I ran and tried to stop him. The next thing I knew a healer was taking care of me. My sister's body was being taken away and Gethara was let free. That day I vowed to hate all warriors. That all changed when I met Melisha.
Lekeya
I quickly walk to my small cove, the mud squishing between my toes. My mother use to live here, but she was killed after I turned 100, because she loved a Sheak.
As I walk I listen for the birds I so dearly loved, but they are gone. Since the village was destroyed many animals have fled to the safety of the mountains, like many of the villagers. Leaving only the Leshas and me, A half-breed.
This gives me a ver vivid inmage of what it's like there.
I swiftly walk into my cove, listening to the water as it laps on the edge of the right side of the opening, and head all the way to the back, to the Lesha boy i found nearly dead near here. I quickly pulled out what herbs I found and mixed up what I could remember that could heal, and carefully gave it to him.
This doesn't really make sense and I'm not sure how to fix it.
Children are rare for the Kelishans, even Lesha ones are cherished. Halfbreds are unwanted. I didnt care, like me he lost his parents. I won't kill him for what he is, unlike many Lesha have tried to do. Ever since I was born I walked my steps lightly, kept my eyes on everything and listened for the slightly sounds. When I am near water I am safe, they all know to stay away from me when I am around water.
This shows very well what it's like for her.
Dezon
I wait for my uncle to come back from hunting.
My sense of time is fading, has it been an hour, or a day? The ash is still raining from the sky. The smell of burning Kelishan still fills the air, and the smell of burning meat can be smelled for miles.
Unlike Sheaks and the younger races; Kelishans are plant based life-forms, and are the only ones. Many of the other races dont know, and for a good reason. What would happen if they knew is too horrible to think about.
The sound of footsteps echo in the cave. I look at the form. It isn't my uncle. I quickly grab my tekonsha, a curved, ridged sword. A tekonsha could cut the Sheak like it was butter. As the form gett closer I hide behind a boulder and wait.
Other Notes:
Though the Kelishans are different to us, don't make them too different. People like reading about people that they can relate to.
Remember to keep the tense consistent.
That's really good! I can't wait to read more!
Melisha
I walk through the gardens my mother used to grow, now they are overgrown. She was able to bend the plants to her will; but now she is dead and no one else in our clan can do it. There has been so much blood shed since her death.
This is really good. I think it's a good way to start the story.
I stop, someone is following me. I know who it is. "Gethara, you are still ticked about who was chosen as the heir, aren't you?"
A small rat-like thing scurries up, and tranforms into my older brother. He has long bright red hair. Yep, he was ticked.
"You think?" he bares his fangs at me, most people cower at the sight of him; but me? I just roll my eyes.
This is kinda funny. Good description of her brother.
"I am eldest. I should be heir. What did he see in you, other then you are a frail woman?" he growled, towering over me.
"If I am a frail woman, why do I command over 30 war ships? Ones that could destroy yours in a matter of seconds," I said calmly, not going to please him by going off. "We all know why anyway, remember your betrothal?"
He winces, everyone in the empire knows what happened about him and his betrothal.
Once it's fixed up, this is excellent! You can learn about spelling, grammar and punctuation; you can't learn to have a good writing style.
Rojon
I sit in my late sister's room. The sorrow is still in me. That so-called warrior prince, Gethara, should die for what he did to her.
The sound of shouting and my sister's screams as Gethara killed her still fill my ears. It was the day she told him he was betrothed to her. Everyone in the empire knew he loved a Lesha, a non-gifted one.
This is a good way to show backstory.
I was the first to see the room. The place was destroyed. He was still holding my sister by the neck as she took her last breath, I ran and tried to stop him. The next thing I knew a healer was taking care of me. My sister's body was being taken away and Gethara was let free. That day I vowed to hate all warriors. That all changed when I met Melisha.
Lekeya
I quickly walk to my small cove, the mud squishing between my toes. My mother use to live here, but she was killed after I turned 100, because she loved a Sheak.
As I walk I listen for the birds I so dearly loved, but they are gone. Since the village was destroyed many animals have fled to the safety of the mountains, like many of the villagers. Leaving only the Leshas and me, A half-breed.
This gives me a ver vivid inmage of what it's like there.
I swiftly walk into my cove, listening to the water as it laps on the edge of the right side of the opening, and head all the way to the back, to the Lesha boy i found nearly dead near here. I quickly pulled out what herbs I found and mixed up what I could remember that could heal, and carefully gave it to him.
This doesn't really make sense and I'm not sure how to fix it.
Children are rare for the Kelishans, even Lesha ones are cherished. Halfbreds are unwanted. I didnt care, like me he lost his parents. I won't kill him for what he is, unlike many Lesha have tried to do. Ever since I was born I walked my steps lightly, kept my eyes on everything and listened for the slightly sounds. When I am near water I am safe, they all know to stay away from me when I am around water.
This shows very well what it's like for her.
Dezon
I wait for my uncle to come back from hunting.
My sense of time is fading, has it been an hour, or a day? The ash is still raining from the sky. The smell of burning Kelishan still fills the air, and the smell of burning meat can be smelled for miles.
Unlike Sheaks and the younger races; Kelishans are plant based life-forms, and are the only ones. Many of the other races dont know, and for a good reason. What would happen if they knew is too horrible to think about.
The sound of footsteps echo in the cave. I look at the form. It isn't my uncle. I quickly grab my tekonsha, a curved, ridged sword. A tekonsha could cut the Sheak like it was butter. As the form gett closer I hide behind a boulder and wait.
Other Notes:
Though the Kelishans are different to us, don't make them too different. People like reading about people that they can relate to.
Remember to keep the tense consistent.
That's really good! I can't wait to read more!
Last edited:
hehe, i am trying to, but it is hard ^^'
oh, you will soon figure out what happen about Lekeya and the lesha boy, *big fat hint meaning: flash back!!*
okay, until now i didnt think that one part was funny, till i reread it again XD
oh, you will soon figure out what happen about Lekeya and the lesha boy, *big fat hint meaning: flash back!!*
okay, until now i didnt think that one part was funny, till i reread it again XD
hello?
- Thread starter
- #75
Hi!
I shall bring this thread back!
Chapter 3
Part 2: Melisha
As I walk thro the garden i stopped, something wasn't right, the mental link me and my little brother, Shek, was missing. Something wasn't right, I quickly ran thro the garden, my flowing farm piece that was attach to my formal wear was shredded at the end of the run, going thro the brambles. My skin throbbed with pain, and clear blood oozed out of my wounds. I went tp the court yard. I had totally forgot I could telaport.
"no." i muttered, there he was, his body limp, what has happen? who would kill him? I tried to go to him, but I was old back by one of the guards "no milady, your father told us to keep you away" he said, not making eye contact "Let me see him" I cried, I did a high side kick, hitting him in the head, I knew I was going to regret this. As I tried to fight off the guards to get to my young brother as healers hoover over his body, I heard my very ticked off Father snarled 'Melisha!" I wince, no one else but him scare me.
"Farther" I begged "please, let me go near him"
"No" he snarled again, and walk to me, and did what i never thought he would do, he backhanded me, I fell to the cold stone ground, barely, able to catch myself, i heard my older brother snickering off near my younger brother body, I felt the blood trinkle down my burning cheek. I fight the tears that wanted to be released, he never tried a Kelishan female like they are a lower class, unlike many other Kelishan males, the thought of a female even becoming a warrior was rarely thought of, but a leader?
"Melisha" he said, his white eyes glaring at me "I gave you orders to stay away, i exspet you to follow them" he let loose a growl and stormed off.
"aw" my brother teased "looked like some one lost their place of being fathers Mekasha" *darling pet*
I glared at him, only if there wasnt a crowd...
ya, a big new part of a chapter, and some info why Her brother is against her being a leader *other then he is power hungry LOL*
Chapter 3
Part 2: Melisha
As I walk thro the garden i stopped, something wasn't right, the mental link me and my little brother, Shek, was missing. Something wasn't right, I quickly ran thro the garden, my flowing farm piece that was attach to my formal wear was shredded at the end of the run, going thro the brambles. My skin throbbed with pain, and clear blood oozed out of my wounds. I went tp the court yard. I had totally forgot I could telaport.
"no." i muttered, there he was, his body limp, what has happen? who would kill him? I tried to go to him, but I was old back by one of the guards "no milady, your father told us to keep you away" he said, not making eye contact "Let me see him" I cried, I did a high side kick, hitting him in the head, I knew I was going to regret this. As I tried to fight off the guards to get to my young brother as healers hoover over his body, I heard my very ticked off Father snarled 'Melisha!" I wince, no one else but him scare me.
"Farther" I begged "please, let me go near him"
"No" he snarled again, and walk to me, and did what i never thought he would do, he backhanded me, I fell to the cold stone ground, barely, able to catch myself, i heard my older brother snickering off near my younger brother body, I felt the blood trinkle down my burning cheek. I fight the tears that wanted to be released, he never tried a Kelishan female like they are a lower class, unlike many other Kelishan males, the thought of a female even becoming a warrior was rarely thought of, but a leader?
"Melisha" he said, his white eyes glaring at me "I gave you orders to stay away, i exspet you to follow them" he let loose a growl and stormed off.
"aw" my brother teased "looked like some one lost their place of being fathers Mekasha" *darling pet*
I glared at him, only if there wasnt a crowd...
ya, a big new part of a chapter, and some info why Her brother is against her being a leader *other then he is power hungry LOL*
Can someone go to my thread and critique?
The story was jumped into a little fast - having more background on the characters would be nice. More descriptive words would've been nice too.
I wasn't sure if the person was a boy or girl, but I'm assuming it's a gal.
Sneaking on the phone jus tin time to save the life of Amy was a little unrealistic (no offense), a more 'last minute', 'barely saved' thing, with the girl using her wits or something to save Amy's life instead of a quick phone call to the police.
But I liked the story over all, it really caught my attention for the first few sentences - a real gripper. A little work here and there, and I believe it would a great book.
I wasn't sure if the person was a boy or girl, but I'm assuming it's a gal.
Sneaking on the phone jus tin time to save the life of Amy was a little unrealistic (no offense), a more 'last minute', 'barely saved' thing, with the girl using her wits or something to save Amy's life instead of a quick phone call to the police.
But I liked the story over all, it really caught my attention for the first few sentences - a real gripper. A little work here and there, and I believe it would a great book.
thanks. lets see what I can do when I get home.
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