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BYC Story Critique Group
- Thread starter NixNoodleNumbat
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Can I join too?
- Thread starter
- #53
You sure can!
can I join too?
- Aug 25, 2011
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Can I join? I'll be vice = P
Soo, what do we do?
put up 1/2 of chapter 2, sorry been brain dead for weeks...
chapter 2
Melisha
part 1
I walk thro the gardens my mother use to grow, now it is over grown. She was able to bend the plants to her while, but now she is dead and no one else in our clan could do it, So much blood shed since her death.
I stopped, some one was following me, and I knew who it was "Gethara, you are still ticked about who was chosen as the heir, arnt you?"
A small rat like thing scurries up, and tranforms into my older brother, he has long bright red hair, yep, he was ticked. "You think?" he bares his fangs at me, most people cowards at the sight of him, but me? I just rolled my eyes
"I am the eldest, I should of became heir, why did he see in you, other then you are a frail woman" he growled, towering over me.
"A, if I was a frail woman, then why do I command over 30 war ships? Ones that could destroy yours in a matter of seconds" I said calmly, not going to please him by going off "We all know why anyway, remember your betroth?"
He wince, every one in the empire knows what happened about him and his betroth.
Rojon
part 2
I sat in my late sister room, the sorrow was still in me, that so called warrior prince, Gethara, should die for what he did to her.
The sound of shouting still filled my ears, and the screams as my sister called for help as Gethara out of rage killed her. It was the day she told him he was betroth to her. Every one in the empire knew he loved a Lesha, a none gifted one.
I was the first to see the room, the place was destroyed, and he was still holding my sister, by the neck as she takes her last breath, I ran and tried to stopped him, but the next thing I knew a healer was taking care of me, and my sister body being taken away and Gethara being let free, that day I vowed to hate all warriors, till i meet Melisha....
chapter 2
Melisha
part 1
I walk thro the gardens my mother use to grow, now it is over grown. She was able to bend the plants to her while, but now she is dead and no one else in our clan could do it, So much blood shed since her death.
I stopped, some one was following me, and I knew who it was "Gethara, you are still ticked about who was chosen as the heir, arnt you?"
A small rat like thing scurries up, and tranforms into my older brother, he has long bright red hair, yep, he was ticked. "You think?" he bares his fangs at me, most people cowards at the sight of him, but me? I just rolled my eyes
"I am the eldest, I should of became heir, why did he see in you, other then you are a frail woman" he growled, towering over me.
"A, if I was a frail woman, then why do I command over 30 war ships? Ones that could destroy yours in a matter of seconds" I said calmly, not going to please him by going off "We all know why anyway, remember your betroth?"
He wince, every one in the empire knows what happened about him and his betroth.
Rojon
part 2
I sat in my late sister room, the sorrow was still in me, that so called warrior prince, Gethara, should die for what he did to her.
The sound of shouting still filled my ears, and the screams as my sister called for help as Gethara out of rage killed her. It was the day she told him he was betroth to her. Every one in the empire knew he loved a Lesha, a none gifted one.
I was the first to see the room, the place was destroyed, and he was still holding my sister, by the neck as she takes her last breath, I ran and tried to stopped him, but the next thing I knew a healer was taking care of me, and my sister body being taken away and Gethara being let free, that day I vowed to hate all warriors, till i meet Melisha....
I had a hard time following what was happening, but I liked your character description a lot, and how her and her brother interacted; excellent job.
One thing I noticed was that instead of saying "said" or "thought", you put "Bares his fangs" and "Growled" I liked that a lot!
IMHO you could work on dwelling on one subject, example:
The sentence in bold type could use some re-arranging, and maybe some description of what's she walking thru, what is she feeling? Is they're a slight breeze blowing? Can the gentle crash of ocean waves be heard nearby? Is she perhaps walking amongst the dead foliage, in her mother's stonewalled garden on the dirt path? Does she finger a dead geranium slip while she thinks?
I'm not going to re-write it for you, just suggestions. God gave you your imagination, make good use of it!
I like to close my eyes and imagine myself as the character I'm writing about. What would I be feeling? Seeing? Touching? Hearing? Smelling?
"I walk thro the gardens my mother use to grow, now it is over grown."
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Again, I loved the way you described the characters. Keep up the good work, I'll be looking forward to seeing more![/FONT]
One thing I noticed was that instead of saying "said" or "thought", you put "Bares his fangs" and "Growled" I liked that a lot!
IMHO you could work on dwelling on one subject, example:
The sentence in bold type could use some re-arranging, and maybe some description of what's she walking thru, what is she feeling? Is they're a slight breeze blowing? Can the gentle crash of ocean waves be heard nearby? Is she perhaps walking amongst the dead foliage, in her mother's stonewalled garden on the dirt path? Does she finger a dead geranium slip while she thinks?
I'm not going to re-write it for you, just suggestions. God gave you your imagination, make good use of it!
I like to close my eyes and imagine myself as the character I'm writing about. What would I be feeling? Seeing? Touching? Hearing? Smelling?
"I walk thro the gardens my mother use to grow, now it is over grown."
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Again, I loved the way you described the characters. Keep up the good work, I'll be looking forward to seeing more![/FONT]
Hehe, ya I am getting back into writing again.
Kelishan minds are not like ours, nor is their planet, the only time wind appears is when it is winter, and there is no big ocean near the villages because of the main fact of what has happened to the ocean ^-^" and the weather is always a balmy 75 to 80, unless it winter then it is below -100 F....
and no, i dont have a brother, well i do, but i dont know him LOL more or less it just what came to mind
oh, i am not a good writer, honest
Kelishan minds are not like ours, nor is their planet, the only time wind appears is when it is winter, and there is no big ocean near the villages because of the main fact of what has happened to the ocean ^-^" and the weather is always a balmy 75 to 80, unless it winter then it is below -100 F....
and no, i dont have a brother, well i do, but i dont know him LOL more or less it just what came to mind
oh, i am not a good writer, honest
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