- Apr 14, 2010
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ubsup I like it, animalloverbh!
Critique this?
My hands were shaking, my heart pounding. On my knees on the ground, I peered cautiously through the window at the brand new black pick-up truck parked in my driveway. The silhouette of a man appeared, as he stepped out of the truck. He exchanged a few angry words with the driver before stomping toward the door. Ducking back beneath the window, I clutched my side, and tears of fear stung in my eyes. There was something in his hand, a large, long shape. It was a huge gun. I sucked in a breath, then told myself I had to move. I was in the entryway, and he'd find me right away.
I ducked down, and walked bent over to the guest room, locking the door behind me. Looking around, I saw that there wasn't even a chair to barricade the door with. The curtains were spread, revealing the dark 9pm sky, dotted with stars. I didn't close them, in fear that the man still in the truck might see, but I made sure that the door that led to the deck outside was unlocked in case I needed to bolt. My breathing was jagged as I pushed things back to make room for me underneath the bed. I squished myself underneath, making sure that I could see underneath for feet coming in. I felt the bulge of my phone in my pocket, and it sent a spark of hope into me. I put it on silent, saving it for later. I didn't want the man to hear it.
Heavy footfalls fell across the hallway, approaching the door. "Oh, Gosh " I whispered before saying a silent prayer. Huddling against the bed, I tried to quiet my loud heartbeat by taking deep breaths. I heard the door's lock click as he picked it. I was beginning to hyperventilate. As the door opened, I squeezed my eyes shut and became silent. The feet began to slowly pad around the room. "You know we'll find you, honey," He said in a sick, threatening voice. "Just come out so we won't have to punish you," He whispered with a very sarcastic sweet tone.
I heard a very loud noise as the knocked something over angrily. "Unless you want your family dead, and to wish you were with them, GET out here, NOW!" He said through gritted teeth. Nervously, I slid out from underneath the bed. If he took me, it was still better than the torture knowing I'd killed my family would be. "Well, aren't you a pretty one?" He smiled sarcastically at my old pajama bottoms dotted with prancing horses and my tie-dye shirt. I tried to keep a blank face, but a single tear rolled down my cheek. "Don't cry, sweetheart, we'll take good care of you," He gave me that same nasty grin as he wiped the tear off my cheek. "Please don't touch me," I said blankly. "Come on, honey," He grabbed my wrist and led me roughly out of the room. "And don't think about calling for help," His expression darkened as he patted his gun. "Or you'll be very sorry."
When we got to the truck, he pushed me into the back seat before he jumped in the passenger side. "Wondering why we don't tie you up?" I gritted my teeth, but didn't answer. "Because if you ever got out, you'd be dead before you could get anywhere," He said sarcastically. I sniffed defensively, and looked out the window, my teeth still gritted. Why me? I started to think before stopping myself. I would stop this. Scooting closer to the door, I began to think of a plan.
About 20 minutes later, the care pulled into a gas station. "We gon' get some gas," The driver said sloppily in a gruff voice. "An' don'chu think 'bout leavin'," He slammed the door, and locked up the truck from the outside. A woman pulled into the spot next to us, and began to fill her car with gas. As she looked around nonchalantly, I pressed my tear-stricken face against the glass and mouthed, "Help!" She gave me a funny look, and took a cautious step toward the truck. I began to nod my head frantically, silently screaming for help. Just then, the second man stepped in front of the window. "Just what do you think you're doing?!" He bellowed. He fingered something in her purse and took a step back. "Oh, admiring your truck. Is it that new Chevy?" She lied smoothly. He raised his eyebrows. "Uh, yeah. You into cars? Maybe want to take a little ride in this beauty?" She blinked, surprised, before raising her eyebrow. "I wish I could, but I have to get home. Got some paperwork to do," She said, and with a little wave, turned back to the gas pump. The man cursed under his breath and walked back to where the driver was. The woman made sure they weren't looking and gave me a thumbs-up, holding up her phone. I clasped my hands together and mouthed, 'Thank you!" She began to dial, not noticing when the driver approached her, with his hand inside his coat. I began to scream and pound on the windows. She looked up, alarmed, only to meet a gun pointed at her nose. I closed my eyes and heard a bang, and saw her body slump in the seat. As both of the men jumped in the truck and sped away, the man in the passenger seat turned around, a dark expression on his face. "You are in trouble, sweetheart."
I know I've got some feedback, I just want to know what else I need to do to improve my writing.
