Cant i just be Bitter for a little while?

[xchairity_casex]

First off, i DONT want anyone to say "im so sorry" i just want to feel bitter for a while and it might be nice to hear about other people who might feel the same way i do over a similar situation, hear some stories, maybe hear a few silly replies to make me feel better anything but "im sorry"

anyways.

my mom and dad got divorced when i was like 4 years old, no big deal, dont rember my dad being around much in our lives anyways. growing up he rarely spent time with us, though he had visitation he just never wanted to come vist me and my sister.

growing up he would tell us how much he wanted sons instead of daughters, how much he liked boys over girls. on the rare occassions he would come by to take me and my sister for an overnight or a weekend he would usually leave us alone at his house while he took his girlfreinsd sons out to dinner,movies, shopping ect and not come back till late at night.

when i was 6 he got a huge rottwieler that would bite me playfully but hard enough to leave open wounsd on my legs, and would yell at me for allowing it to happen, at the time i was at eye level with the dog, the dog weighed 65 pounds, i weighed 40.
he told me it was my fault the dog bit me and hurt me-now im terrified of rottweilers.

he used to crtisize me and my sister, calling us stupid when we were 6-8 years old, one year for my birthday my mom asked him to buy me a cake since she had lsot her job he said no and refused.

he used to tell me and my sister we were only after his "money" and didnt really love him.

when i was 9 years old we moved about 900+ miles away, he never called or wrote us letters.

when i was 13, he got married and never told us, we found out from my grandma (his mother) he had told everyone heh ad invited us to his wedding, but he didnt even tell us he was getting married, we found out 2 years later!

when i was 16 he sent us a box of used clothes for christmas, they were...for older larger set people and sent a message saying "maybe you can amke yourselves some nice outfits from this junk" to this day we do not know if he ment well or if he was being an *****, we junked the clothing and did not contact him.

my sister had a baby when i was 16, never told my dad, but she was still on his insurance and he found out when he got the bill and made a suprise vist, while him and his wife and new son were up, all he did was ask me about my sister and tell me how proud he was of her and how wonderful she turned out and gave her lots of money. (it was cool, i was glad he talked about her and said so much nice stuff, i was also glad he gave her so much money for her new baby, but i was a bit sad when he refused to acknowledge me and my accomplishments at the time)

we didnt speak much again untill i was about 17 my grandpa died (moms father) and we went downstate to go to the funeral where my mom pushed me into visting my dad who, again could only ask about and talk about my sister and how wonderful she was, he also went crazy bragging about his stepson to me. he told me if i ever needed anything or ever wanted to vist again to let him know as he would send me a bus ticket.

2 years later i asked him if i could take him up on the offer to vist, he said no and refused to write me again, even though he told me he was online everyday 9they had a computer and internet free access at home since there freinds had there own internet company)

3 years later his wife added me to facebook, and while shes extremly active on it, she refuses to talk to me or anything.

my dad has 3 stepkids hes oh, so proud of. one son ended up in prison for damaging his baby by shaking it, the baby is permenantly brain damaged and had to have a colostomy bag for the rest of its life- but hes a great kid.

his step daughter is on her 8th kid- all from differant fathers in 10 years and has lost them 3 times due to taking drugs- but shes a great kid who they are so proud of.

his last stepson dropped out of highschool and refuses to get a job and is trying to get on disability already due to having a weight problem- but htey are super proud of him.

well, im glad they are proud of there kids and help them out and give them a place to go when they need it, but they both called me a wh*re because i posted on my FB a picture of myself dressed sexily (ive never had a baby and ive only ever been with one man, 8 years still together never cheated or slept with but this one man) yet im a dissapointing wh*re.
he called me stupid because i was homeschooled and did not go to collage.
im an embarressment to him because.....well i dont really know quite frankly.
ive never been aressted, never been warned by a cop, ive never done drugs, ive never stolen a thing in my life, i was a virgin when i got with my bf and made him wait an entire year before we did anything, i dont smoke, i rarely drink, i dont have kids, im not on welfare, yet IM the embarressment?

well i decided along time ago i wanted nothing to do with him OR his better family for that matter, but this year for christmas he sent a box, with 2 christmas cards, one for my sister and one for my nephew with money and "hugs and kisses" inside.

my mom told me to not take it personally, and i tried to let it roll down my back, but i cannot help but feel a little bitter and sad about the entire thing, im not sure why he targets me to feel left out, why he obviously dislikes me so much.

my sister told me i was the lucky one for having dad leave me alone, tried to look at it like that, for many years, but i just couldnt help but feel let down,
i just wish he would move on with his life and leave us alone and not keep dragging me in and reminding me how much he hates me, just walk away and leave me be in peace i would be happy.

anyways like i said, i dont really want to hear anyone else say they are sorry for me, im not sorry, i just dont wanna feel disapointed and bitter anymore and would love to hear others similar stories and how you cope, feel like im not alone you know? because i kinda feel like i have a right to feel bitter, but then i feel bad about it, childish like i should just not let it bother me you know? and i try to not let it bother me but every once in a while the feelings creep up on me and i try to push them back down

 

[Trefoil]

Drop this loser like a lead balloon. And in 20 or 30 years when he comes to you for "a few bucks" or a place to stay, remember, what comes around goes around, and shut your door.

 

[cassie]

You are a LOT better off without him. A lot better. His need to put you down has nothing whatever to do with you. Although you didn't ask for advice I have two suggestions for you I hope, for your sake, you take. One, get the book Toxic Parents. I forget the author but it is available from amazon.com. and it is not very expensive. It will help a lot. The second is to get some counseling to help you feel good about yourself and to be able to get this man and his negativity out of your life. There is no way you can win his love and approval. He doesn't have it to give. You could win the Nobel Prize and it wouldn't be good enough. Please. Get the book and get some counseling. Just a few sessions can make a big difference.

 

[Criskin]

My story is a little different, but I kind of understand. I spent much of my early childhood with my maternal grandparents and loved them with all my heart. After my Grandmother died, Grandfather remarried when I was around 15. His new wife didn't really like his whole family but she reserved especial hatred for me. They wouldn't come to my school events, graduations, etc., even though there home was about 5 minutes away from my school. They eventually told everyone that I was such a horrible person they didn't want me at their home. They burned all of my childhood pictures. They sold anything of value that belonged to me. When my married sister had a baby, the step-grandmother told people it was me...an unmarried college student at the time. She said all sorts of horrible things about me and for a long time I wondered if some of them might be true. All this time she was doing everything she could to replace my cousins, sister and I with her 4 grandchildren, who were supposed to be oh so perfect. I'm not going to lie...it hurt. A lot. I suffered from severe depression off and on and I think a lot of it was a combination of suddenly losing someone who had been a big part of my life for 15 years and hearing so many horrible things said about me by this woman. I went to therapy and I knew the rest of my family loved me and didn't believe her, but it remained something of an open wound for a long time. I think it was my husband who really helped me to heal. He made me see the step-grandmother as what she was- a severely mentally ill woman who should almost be pitied. From what I'd heard from family members who were still in contact with them, she was a miserable lady who yelled at my grandfather if another woman even so much as spoke to him. She accused him of going out to the barn to think about my dead Grandmother, therby being unfaithful to her (the new wife). She had been abused as a child and was a battered wife in her first marriage. It was hard, but there were some days that I could even bring myself to pray for her. Sometimes I think mental illness is contagious and I became determined that I would not let her life infect mine. When I did think of her, I either dismissed her with pity, imagining how miserable it would be to devote one's life to hatred, or tried to laugh off her insults. I simply refered to her as that crazy woman, the she-devil or some other absurd name that made me laugh at her attempts to hurt me. It still hurt a little, I'll admit, but I knew that I had a lot going for me and I was not the person she said I was..if I were that person, why did everyone else I knew, including my amazing husband and the rest of my family, love me and think I was good, kind, smart and funny? I think you are there too...you know you are a good person, but it isn't easy for anyone to hear someone say horrible things about them. You wouldn't be human if it didn't hurt.

For me, everything turned out all right. About 4 years ago, my step-grandmother died. A few days later, my grandfather reached out to my mother, who approached me about speaking with him. She told him how hurt I had been, about my depressions and therapy. He appologized in tears but to be honest, I had already forgiven them both for my own sake. We're reconciled and my own children now adore him just as I did when I was a little girl. By the time his wife died, of the four "perfect" step-grandchildren, two were drug addicts, 3 had been in and out of jail and one had several children and no job. I, on the other hand, was happily married, had graduated college with honors, and was traveling to lots of exciting places with my husband and son. He cut contact with her family when she died. He didn't believe in divorce and, I think, when he married her he was determined to stick by her for better or worse. While I don't agree with his decisions or actions, I don't think it is worth holding it against him.

Like I said, our situations are a little different. I say, if you feel bitter and angry, then let yourself feel bitter and angry. You certainly have reason! Don't let it consume you, though. Just realize that your father is mentally ill and as deserving of your pity as your anger. It can't be fun to see himself proved wrong day in and day out. As for calling you names, I've always thought it was pretty hard to sling mud on someone without getting some on your own hands. By insulting you, they are only making themselves look mean and bitter. They just aren't smart enought to know it. I agree with cassie, perhaps counseling or reading on the subject would help.

 

[xchairity_casex]

Thanks every one, your replies have made me feel better
i will deff have to have a look at that book Cassie.

Criskin- you are an incredibly strong person to have gone thru what your did and come out the other end.