Care takers Stress

[firedancer57]

I just need to vent. I take care of my DH . He's an Army veteran, in a wheel chair and he has needs. Activities of daily living, they call them. Help to get to the bathroom, bathing, dressing combing his hair,cooking, cleaning every day, all day. I feel so ashamed and selfish, but I'm tired and I need a break from him. I asked the VA for help, don't qualify for home care, fighting it through DAV, OK, takes time. Ask the kids, please come help me with Dad, just one afternoon.. no too busy with their lives, school and kids.
Don't get me wrong, I love him so much, we've been together over 30 years now, it's just the past few he's gotten this bad and I've been able to handle it and take care of him.
Just things are building up and really I don't have anyone to turn to. I'm 18 months post stroke and I know that may have something to do with the way I'm feeling right now, I don't know what to do any more. Nothing I do pleases him, It's always wrong,, or not enough .
I asked his friends to come and pick him up take him to lunch go fishing do something with him, take him to the local VFW or American Legion get him drunk let him have some fun. I don't even know if that would help.
His doctors have put him on antidepressants, but it really doesn't seem to help. Maybe I need some.
I just can't get over our daughters, I know that they are busy but it would really help me if they just sat with him for an hour or so, they don't have to do anything else just sit with him and watch TV or play some cards just do something.
I just needed this time to vent, I just needed to talk. I apologize if I have offended anyone.
Just sometimes you need to talk to yourself.

 

[Kitt]

I sent you a message

 

[onthespot]

Too bad you are not closer. I'd give you some respite care for free. I have worked a lot of years as home care nurse, mostly for quads, and I'm really good at it....

for you. I know

doesn't really help, but if I lived closer, I would, in a meaningful way.

 

[CCourson05]

I am sure no one is offended... I am sorry you are going through this... I am sure it is hard on you...

God bless you...

 

[redhen]

I would also give you respite care if i lived close to you.... (not sure where you live though)
I was a CNA for many years and also took care of my grandmother... i know how hard it is... wish i could help you more.

 

[Mofarmgirl]

What you're feeling is completely normal. Burn out happens to all of us caregivers. I have worked in homehealth and now am my dads attendant a few hr.s a day. It really helps my mom and I truly wish your children could realize how much you need the break. We're all "busy" but family should always come first. It's truly shameful that vets aren't given more services. He should definitely qualify for an aid but they have their little loop holes. Usually they have to have served during war time to get any help at all, and then it's limited. Keep searching for programs and hopefully your children will come to realize how much you need them. (Hugs)

 

[BrattishTaz]

I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you right now.

The feelings you are having are perfectly normal. Perhaps you could call your local hospice. They often work with other agencies and may have info on programs that could help you.

 

[c is 4 cochin]

taking care of an adult that is unable to care for themselves is one of the hardest and tiring jobs there is. I have been in your position, so I understand how meaningful a small break is. I understand that family members have their own lives too, but yet should not be so busy that they can't relieve a family member at least a day or two out of the month. Know that there are others that share your your frustration and your not alone. My experience on this is that it is much easier to care for a small child than an adult.

It is hard on both you and your spouse because the care is very personal, and its hard for both of you not to take things too personally because you both love each other. I know its so much easier said than done, on not taking things he says as a personal attack. Family members who don't step in, often can't cope with what they perceive to be an overwhelming task or they feel that the time takes up what they would really rather do. And this too is frustrating.

Is there a neighbor or friend or someone from church that you both know well enough and feel comfortable enough that could come and take your place for a day or two? Some times just someone outside of family members is a fresh breath of air for both of you. Or even having a visitor come that he knows and enjoys the company of for a few hours that has a good "listening ear" for him to vent to, might take the edge off of him and not vent at you.

There were days when I was just so physically drained, that I just wanted to throw in the towel. It is exhausting and very taxing for one person to do it all by themselves and is just not really possible. I hope you find the help you need.

 

[chixie]

I know its hard. and its ok to have these feelings. your kids could find time to help. It wouldnt hurt them to help once a week... hugs to you.

 

[schellie69]

Quote:
I have a special needs daughter that because she is disabled qualifies for a person asst. There is a place here that helps. I would contact your local social services they will have a list of places that might be able to help. My daughters medical card pays for the services up till last year it also paid for respite care but with budget cuts we lost that. I still get 25 hours a week of someone else helping her which is great for me. If I knew where you lived Maybe I could help find some help for you. There are many programs out there. I understand taking care of someone is hard. I don't understand your kids, my oldest DD is my youngest DD personal asst and she helps way more then what she gets paid for. I will help anyway I can. Just PM me if you would like more information on the program maybe we can find one in your area that you can qualify for.