- Oct 29, 2007
- 848
- 9
- 151
child adoption
- Thread starter M.J
- Start date
Jeucamom I understand you completely. I'm adopted too. Born in the 50s, I had the same experience the first time I head my first born. "Finally, someone who is really related to me."
I know, without a shadow of a doubt that my parents loved me unconditionally and consider me their child but from my point of view I always knew that I wasn't. Like you said, there is a hole there. Even finding your birth family doesn't fill that hole - you don't quite fit there either.
I'm so glad that there is more and more open adoption. It seems to me that if a child grows up knowing all of the people who love them they won't have time to develop the alienating feelings those of us who developed that hole have.
I was 3 days old when I was taken home. My parents had been married @ 13 or 14 years, they had a 12 year old son but my mother had suffered from two tubal pregnancies. She had been given one baby by a cousin to raise but she was taken back after a couple of years. My mother thought Madeleine was going back to live with her mother but the cousin took her to give her to another cousin. She took her back from that cousin too (but that is another story).
Our family doctor knew my birth mother and asked if they'd like to have me. The initial adoption went smoothly but turned into a nightmare. Their first lawyer, unknown to them, was a drunk who failed to file the final adoption papers. When I was 3 or 4 my mother realized that she had never received a birth certificate for me so contacted the state of CA. Of course, there was none to be found so they had to contact my birth mother to re-release me and start over again from square one.
They had to produce all of the required paperwork again and go through a homestudy. This was worrisome for my mother because my father was an alcoholic and she was terrified that it would be found out and they'd lose me. They had moved from one house to another and lost their marriage certificate. When they tried to get it replaced the state of Missouri informed them that they had no record of them having married. They had to get married all over again. Finally, when I was 4, the adoption was final. My mother was terrified when the judge asked me to come sit on his lap and he asked me "Do you love your mommie and daddy?" I replied "I love my Daddy very much but my mommie spanks me all the time."
Unknown to them, the other side of the drama:
She never saw me until I was @24 years old. I was the result of a 14 year old who had become pregnant by her father's 34 year old friend. She never told who the father was because she didn't want to hurt her father. She was sent to live in foster care so her younger brother and sisters wouldn't know about the 'shame' she had brought to the family. Rumor has it my birth father would tell my grandparents that "It's a shame that she got herself into such a mess." He never owned up to his side of it and she figured that he was the adult so he should be the one to tell.
She had me when she was 15. When she signed the release forms they accidently included the names of the adoptive parents. Seeing the names hurt. She succeeded in forcing them out of her memory.
She married about the same time my adoption fiasco began and when she received the paperwork to re-release me, she hadn't been able to become pregnant and convinced herself it was God's way of giving her back her baby. She put the papers on the refrigerator for weeks. Finally her husband came to her and told her that she had to sign the papers, it wouldn't be fair for the family that had been raising me. Eventually she had more children.
During the time the adoption was being completed my family needed a release form in case I needed medical care. My mother was surprised when she was handed me a sheet of paper with my birth mother's name and address. Using that information, my mother was able to find her wedding announcement with photo, cut it out and kept for me when I was older. This fiasco made finding out 'who I was' alot easier than most.
I always knew that I was adopted. My mother would tell me that she had to keep my brother but she got to choose me. She always told me that my birth mother loved me enough to let me go live with her. my mom was was over-protective, smothering, and always complained that she didn't understand why I was so cold (I wasn't a very huggy feely type of person). (unknown at that time, I'd been born into a family of aspies - none of us are very touchy feely)
When I was @24 I decided to write to the address on the wedding announcement. The family no longer lived at the house but ironically, my uncle had gone by the house and found the letter sitting in the mailbox. He contacted my mother and we began writing to each other.
That was @31 years ago. My adoptive parents have both died. My father never conquered his alcoholism and my mother eventually divorced him when I was 17 and married a wonderful guy. I don't regret that my birth mother placed me for adoption and I ended up with the family I had. In spite of all the hard times, I had a wonderful family and two great father figures. I believe that I ended up where I was meant to be.
My Dh and I considered adoption at one time and went to a meeting. They explained to not be surprised if adopted children have health problems or get depressed around their birthday. They think subconsciously we grieve losing the parent we bonded with in the womb. I was often sick when I was little. We never adopted. Our children begged us not to "Mommie you'll love them more than us cause they'd be like you." Funny, when I was a young mother and my brother's wife was pregnant, I was afraid that my parents would love his children more than mine because I was adopted and he wasn't. WRONG. Like I said before, I know that they loved me just the same.
Two things that pop in my head about their love. My grandmother would dye her hair the same color as mine so people wouldn't ask where I got my red hair. When I was in a car accident my brother drove from Portland OR to Sac CA so he could sit & hold my hand while I was in intensive care for 15 - 30 minutes before he had to get back in the car & drive back so he could be at work.
I'm a woman with two families but I don't belong anywhere. I'm a genealogist. I have a genealogy and a family history. They are not the same but they do overlap. My birth family is my genealogy (which means the science of her ancestry) and my adoptive family is my family history.
I just hung up from talking with my birth mother. She's going with my sisters to a family reunion and I'm putting together a family history for her. She's telling me about photographs, who's who and I'm trying to guess when they were taken. I don't know if I should be my family in the book or not. Afterall, the immediate family knows about me - but not everyone. She says it's ok but I wonder if my nieces know about me. I have one sister who has never attempted to meet me.
It's awful to feel disloyal to one family or the other. I always have to be careful and try not to hurt feelings. She doesn't like to talk about how I came to be. I only figured out who my father was from clues dropped over the years. She can't/won't tell me. Luckily, she felt comfortable enough to tell a sister who verified my suspicions.
I look at her childhood photos. I always wonder the same thing ... before or after me? I see her innocent face, smiling in early summer. The same summer a trusted family friend would take advantage of her and change her life forever. The summer after my birth, her face no longer smiles, childhood is gone. Looking at them this evening I almost cried - it's so sad.
Now I balance the relationship with my own children. I have children who consider her another grandmother and a son who adamantly tells me "My grandmother is dead - that is not my family." He sees in only black and white and doesn't bend much. Having been adopted I feel that anyone can be family - or as my adoptive mother once told my birth mother.
"There's enough love in her for us both to share."
I know, without a shadow of a doubt that my parents loved me unconditionally and consider me their child but from my point of view I always knew that I wasn't. Like you said, there is a hole there. Even finding your birth family doesn't fill that hole - you don't quite fit there either.
I'm so glad that there is more and more open adoption. It seems to me that if a child grows up knowing all of the people who love them they won't have time to develop the alienating feelings those of us who developed that hole have.
I was 3 days old when I was taken home. My parents had been married @ 13 or 14 years, they had a 12 year old son but my mother had suffered from two tubal pregnancies. She had been given one baby by a cousin to raise but she was taken back after a couple of years. My mother thought Madeleine was going back to live with her mother but the cousin took her to give her to another cousin. She took her back from that cousin too (but that is another story).
Our family doctor knew my birth mother and asked if they'd like to have me. The initial adoption went smoothly but turned into a nightmare. Their first lawyer, unknown to them, was a drunk who failed to file the final adoption papers. When I was 3 or 4 my mother realized that she had never received a birth certificate for me so contacted the state of CA. Of course, there was none to be found so they had to contact my birth mother to re-release me and start over again from square one.
They had to produce all of the required paperwork again and go through a homestudy. This was worrisome for my mother because my father was an alcoholic and she was terrified that it would be found out and they'd lose me. They had moved from one house to another and lost their marriage certificate. When they tried to get it replaced the state of Missouri informed them that they had no record of them having married. They had to get married all over again. Finally, when I was 4, the adoption was final. My mother was terrified when the judge asked me to come sit on his lap and he asked me "Do you love your mommie and daddy?" I replied "I love my Daddy very much but my mommie spanks me all the time."
Unknown to them, the other side of the drama:
She never saw me until I was @24 years old. I was the result of a 14 year old who had become pregnant by her father's 34 year old friend. She never told who the father was because she didn't want to hurt her father. She was sent to live in foster care so her younger brother and sisters wouldn't know about the 'shame' she had brought to the family. Rumor has it my birth father would tell my grandparents that "It's a shame that she got herself into such a mess." He never owned up to his side of it and she figured that he was the adult so he should be the one to tell.
She had me when she was 15. When she signed the release forms they accidently included the names of the adoptive parents. Seeing the names hurt. She succeeded in forcing them out of her memory.
She married about the same time my adoption fiasco began and when she received the paperwork to re-release me, she hadn't been able to become pregnant and convinced herself it was God's way of giving her back her baby. She put the papers on the refrigerator for weeks. Finally her husband came to her and told her that she had to sign the papers, it wouldn't be fair for the family that had been raising me. Eventually she had more children.
During the time the adoption was being completed my family needed a release form in case I needed medical care. My mother was surprised when she was handed me a sheet of paper with my birth mother's name and address. Using that information, my mother was able to find her wedding announcement with photo, cut it out and kept for me when I was older. This fiasco made finding out 'who I was' alot easier than most.
I always knew that I was adopted. My mother would tell me that she had to keep my brother but she got to choose me. She always told me that my birth mother loved me enough to let me go live with her. my mom was was over-protective, smothering, and always complained that she didn't understand why I was so cold (I wasn't a very huggy feely type of person). (unknown at that time, I'd been born into a family of aspies - none of us are very touchy feely)
When I was @24 I decided to write to the address on the wedding announcement. The family no longer lived at the house but ironically, my uncle had gone by the house and found the letter sitting in the mailbox. He contacted my mother and we began writing to each other.
That was @31 years ago. My adoptive parents have both died. My father never conquered his alcoholism and my mother eventually divorced him when I was 17 and married a wonderful guy. I don't regret that my birth mother placed me for adoption and I ended up with the family I had. In spite of all the hard times, I had a wonderful family and two great father figures. I believe that I ended up where I was meant to be.
My Dh and I considered adoption at one time and went to a meeting. They explained to not be surprised if adopted children have health problems or get depressed around their birthday. They think subconsciously we grieve losing the parent we bonded with in the womb. I was often sick when I was little. We never adopted. Our children begged us not to "Mommie you'll love them more than us cause they'd be like you." Funny, when I was a young mother and my brother's wife was pregnant, I was afraid that my parents would love his children more than mine because I was adopted and he wasn't. WRONG. Like I said before, I know that they loved me just the same.
Two things that pop in my head about their love. My grandmother would dye her hair the same color as mine so people wouldn't ask where I got my red hair. When I was in a car accident my brother drove from Portland OR to Sac CA so he could sit & hold my hand while I was in intensive care for 15 - 30 minutes before he had to get back in the car & drive back so he could be at work.
I'm a woman with two families but I don't belong anywhere. I'm a genealogist. I have a genealogy and a family history. They are not the same but they do overlap. My birth family is my genealogy (which means the science of her ancestry) and my adoptive family is my family history.
I just hung up from talking with my birth mother. She's going with my sisters to a family reunion and I'm putting together a family history for her. She's telling me about photographs, who's who and I'm trying to guess when they were taken. I don't know if I should be my family in the book or not. Afterall, the immediate family knows about me - but not everyone. She says it's ok but I wonder if my nieces know about me. I have one sister who has never attempted to meet me.
It's awful to feel disloyal to one family or the other. I always have to be careful and try not to hurt feelings. She doesn't like to talk about how I came to be. I only figured out who my father was from clues dropped over the years. She can't/won't tell me. Luckily, she felt comfortable enough to tell a sister who verified my suspicions.
I look at her childhood photos. I always wonder the same thing ... before or after me? I see her innocent face, smiling in early summer. The same summer a trusted family friend would take advantage of her and change her life forever. The summer after my birth, her face no longer smiles, childhood is gone. Looking at them this evening I almost cried - it's so sad.
Now I balance the relationship with my own children. I have children who consider her another grandmother and a son who adamantly tells me "My grandmother is dead - that is not my family." He sees in only black and white and doesn't bend much. Having been adopted I feel that anyone can be family - or as my adoptive mother once told my birth mother.
"There's enough love in her for us both to share."
Ole- Crone, yes, we have much in common!
I think when a woman is facing the decision to adopt out her infant, the focus is primarily upon herself. I can't afford a child, I'm not ready to be a parent, I don't want the shame, I don't want the responsibility, I can't tell my parents etc. And then the justification starts.... they will be so much better off, they will have a life I will never be able to provide, if I give them up at birth they will bond with no problems. etc. BUT reality never enters their minds. Study after study shows adopted children are much more depressed, ill, suicidal and less successful as adults. I have never met an adopted person who would not have traded wealth and comfortable living for having been raised with their family. They look at other adoptive parents and their adopted children and see how smoothly the process usually goes. And the adoptive parents can assure them that the child will be loved as their own (which is usually the case) but the LONG TERM affects of being that child are NEVER looked at.
I think when a woman is facing the decision to adopt out her infant, the focus is primarily upon herself. I can't afford a child, I'm not ready to be a parent, I don't want the shame, I don't want the responsibility, I can't tell my parents etc. And then the justification starts.... they will be so much better off, they will have a life I will never be able to provide, if I give them up at birth they will bond with no problems. etc. BUT reality never enters their minds. Study after study shows adopted children are much more depressed, ill, suicidal and less successful as adults. I have never met an adopted person who would not have traded wealth and comfortable living for having been raised with their family. They look at other adoptive parents and their adopted children and see how smoothly the process usually goes. And the adoptive parents can assure them that the child will be loved as their own (which is usually the case) but the LONG TERM affects of being that child are NEVER looked at.
- Apr 11, 2008
- 85
- 0
- 39
I have one adopted and one home baked.
We did the fertility treatments for a few years, and we felt led to adoption. I have no doubt that our son was always meant for our family. We planned on a domestic adoption, but through a misunderstanding were signed up for an international home study. This made us think a little more about what we really wanted and we prayed a lot and decided to go international. We got a list of countries which our agency worked in, and decided on India. A few interventions made us think twice about that, so we got a new list. The new list had Guatemala, which had been mistakenly ommited from the first one. With more thought and prayer, we knew Guatemala was the answer for us. We thought we'd wait a while for a referral, but within a couple weeks we were given a referral of our son, then seven months old. Another couple had been adopting him, but backed out just as our homestudy was completed.
The process was absolutely terrible. We had an attorney in Guatemala who didn't do his job (which is why the first couple backed out) and we had to fight every step of the way. It took two years to bring him home. We actually finished the process in Guatemala ourselves. Our agency told us we were wasting our money, we'd never be able to complete the process and would end up coming home empty handed if we didn't wait. Once again, the spirit moved upon me and we booked our trip against the insistent agency reps who all but forbade us to go and tried bullying us out of it. Miracles happened there in Guatemala. We "happened" to meet all the right people, and through these people we were able to complete his adoption, and got his visa the night before we were due to fly home. The stress was almost unbearable. I lost a ton of weight. We brought home our spanish speaking two and half year old tornado, and he's kept us busy ever since. After seven years of infertility, I became pregnant with his little brother about six months after we brought him home. It was tough. He had some major trust issues for a long time, but he's ours and he's a perfect fit.
We did the fertility treatments for a few years, and we felt led to adoption. I have no doubt that our son was always meant for our family. We planned on a domestic adoption, but through a misunderstanding were signed up for an international home study. This made us think a little more about what we really wanted and we prayed a lot and decided to go international. We got a list of countries which our agency worked in, and decided on India. A few interventions made us think twice about that, so we got a new list. The new list had Guatemala, which had been mistakenly ommited from the first one. With more thought and prayer, we knew Guatemala was the answer for us. We thought we'd wait a while for a referral, but within a couple weeks we were given a referral of our son, then seven months old. Another couple had been adopting him, but backed out just as our homestudy was completed.
The process was absolutely terrible. We had an attorney in Guatemala who didn't do his job (which is why the first couple backed out) and we had to fight every step of the way. It took two years to bring him home. We actually finished the process in Guatemala ourselves. Our agency told us we were wasting our money, we'd never be able to complete the process and would end up coming home empty handed if we didn't wait. Once again, the spirit moved upon me and we booked our trip against the insistent agency reps who all but forbade us to go and tried bullying us out of it. Miracles happened there in Guatemala. We "happened" to meet all the right people, and through these people we were able to complete his adoption, and got his visa the night before we were due to fly home. The stress was almost unbearable. I lost a ton of weight. We brought home our spanish speaking two and half year old tornado, and he's kept us busy ever since. After seven years of infertility, I became pregnant with his little brother about six months after we brought him home. It was tough. He had some major trust issues for a long time, but he's ours and he's a perfect fit.
- Thread starter
- #25
- Oct 29, 2007
- 848
- 9
- 151
Quote:
You have to be careful when absorbing information in reports on this matter. Most reports I've read have one thing in common. Their pool of kids that they use as the information base includes kids that were in the "system". In other words, foster kids/wards of the state. I have yet to see a single study that uses "from birth" adopted kids specifically as their information base. Because of this, the information is skewed. I agree that kids that have been in the system, some for many many years before being adopted will end up with issues. My grandparents ran a foster home for 25 years. However, I personally know quite a few people that were from birth adoptees and they're doing great.
I got that same schpeil from the fertility doctor and it really ticked me off because the way it came accross, adopted kids are somehow not as good as "your own". That's B.S.
The biggest problem with the information about adoption is the focus on it's failures and not successes.
You have to be careful when absorbing information in reports on this matter. Most reports I've read have one thing in common. Their pool of kids that they use as the information base includes kids that were in the "system". In other words, foster kids/wards of the state. I have yet to see a single study that uses "from birth" adopted kids specifically as their information base. Because of this, the information is skewed. I agree that kids that have been in the system, some for many many years before being adopted will end up with issues. My grandparents ran a foster home for 25 years. However, I personally know quite a few people that were from birth adoptees and they're doing great.
I got that same schpeil from the fertility doctor and it really ticked me off because the way it came accross, adopted kids are somehow not as good as "your own". That's B.S.
The biggest problem with the information about adoption is the focus on it's failures and not successes.
I was adopted. It was completly private. I was not in a book or something. The father I live with now is my birthmom's cousin. My mother I live with now was unable to have children after her first child when she was younger. When she was married to my adoptive dad, she wanted a daughter. Then she found out that my birthmom was pregnant, and she would not be able to care for a child, so she adopted me. I was offically adopted and went home with my parents when I was 12 hours old. I still get to see my birthmom alot, we like to go shopping [well, at least she does, I am a jeans, ponytail, and unisex t-shirt girl
].
Ashlyn
].Ashlyn
- Oct 29, 2007
- 848
- 9
- 151
Well lookey at that.. Hallmark Channel has an adoption story "show" on their website.
http://www.hallmarkchannel.com/publish/consumer/home/shows/adoption.html
http://www.hallmarkchannel.com/publish/consumer/home/shows/adoption.html
- Thread starter
- #29
FutureChickenMan thats ive seen the movie it was really good its about this girl that had a family that wants to adopt her she lives with them and then a tragidy happens but every thing turns out for the best happy ever after but is till a very good movie. i liked it any way
- Oct 29, 2007
- 848
- 9
- 151
The 2nd video "Adoptin Anna" covers some of the process stuff. Background checks, finger printing, home study, etc.
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