Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[CrazyMum]

The hardest part is that no one else gets why I feel like this. I have two sons of my own, both with new babies and I know I should be ecstatic about that, but I’m finding it very difficult to put on a happy face. It’s almost as if he has died, except he hasn’t and I have lots of reasons to not want to care, but then I think about who I know him to really be and I can’t get past it. I’ve compared pictures of him with my daughter and with his new gf, he just doesn’t look happy at all. It’s like he is lying to himself in order to avoid how he really feels. I can’t help but feel sorry for him because he’s so young (they’re both only 19) and so far away from home. Part of me thinks he is protecting my daughter from the loneliness that he knows would have come from her moving over to be with him, especially as he will be deployed and has training exercises all the time. From what I can tell, he only sees the new girl on weekends - that would not have been the case if my daughter had been there. So in a way he has his cake and can eat it too because he’s got someone to keep him company on weekends but can behave like a single man the rest of the week. The thing is that none of us can work out why he messaged my daughter for so long on Wednesday. It could be because he just became Facebook official with this other girl and he was checking to see if my girl would still talk to him, or it could be because he wanted to talk about his deployment. Or it could be that he really misses her so close to Christmas, especially as it was Christmas Day when they exchanged promise rings last year. I really wish I could just let this go. I’ve tried many times, and for some reason every time I think I’ve gotten over it, something happens out of the blue to take me back to square one. It’s almost like God doesn’t want me to give up on him. It’s good to be able to talk to someone about it that understands how painful this is. Thank you TheresePark. I hope I can help you too.

 

[DWJ]

I can not believe I found you guys! I have felt like I am completely insane. My daughter broke off her engagement in March and I have been heart broken ever since. I have also cried many times. I miss him and just want to hug him. Fortunately, last month I did ask if we could meet for dinner and surprisingly he agreed, so my other daughter (who considered him a brother) and I met him. We had a good talk, and I did get to hug him. When it was time to say good bye it was so hard, and I told him I felt like we would never see him like this again. We all said we would get together for a pizza sometime, but this week he started dating a new girl (and I am happy for him, I want him to find someone), and I doubt if a new girl would want him meeting his ex fiancé's mom and sister for pizza. So it probably was our final goodbye. We had a good talk, and I thought it would help....but it still is hard. So thank you all who have posted so I can see I am not alone. I really need to be cautious about any future guys either of my girls date. I do not want to become emotionally attached to them until they are officially in the family. I think the holidays is making it even harder. He spent the last 4 Christmas's with us, and I honestly thought they would get back together before the holidays, but it isn't going to happen. I just wonder when I will stop feeling like I lost my son. I would never have believed I could get so attached to someone's else's child like this...as if they were my own.

 

[TheresePark]

I'm pleased you found us too DWJ. When I posted on this thread it hadn't been used for 3 months and although it was comforting I was sad that no one replied to me. So I am happy to have had 2 replies in the last 2 days.
It's Christmas day tomorrow and it will be doubly hard to put on a happy face and pretend everything is okay, so I can at least take some comfort that that you guys feel the same and understand.
I now have to get out of bed and go to the supermarket to buy all this food I'm going to spend hours cooking and don't want to eat ( have lost my appetite lately too) arrrgh! Just want to get over this and feel normal and happy again.

 

[DWJ]

My daughter's ex boyfriends family goes to our church. He has not been going, but tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I am thinking me may come. I really do not know what to do if I see him. I want to go hug him, but he may have his new girl friend with him, and also my daughter might not be OK with me doing that. So I just do not know what to do. I guess I will probably have to just smile at him if he looks over our way and hope he knows we miss him and want him to have a wonderful Christmas.

I am just so glad to know these feelings are not unusual. That others feel like this as well. I am going to do my best to not get attached to another boyfriend in the future. I do not want to go through this again. I just hope to get over this one. Thanks for sharing your stories here. I really needed to see that someone else understood.

 

[chgogirl]

I cannot believe I found this forum-I don’t even have chickens! (although I would like to!) I need someone to talk to about the issue you all have been discussing.... I have been dealing with these feelings of loss for going on a year now and would be so thankful to have someone to share them with who would understand!

 

[Shami456]

Hello! I have to second the above poster- I just googled the subject “daughter broke up” and found this forum and I also don’t have chickens, LOL. I thought I was absolutely crazy to feel so sad and devastated about my daughter’s break up with her wonderful, sweet, kind BF. I have not cried this much in ages. It has only been a few days and I am trying so hard not to interfere, which means giving my daughter tons of space so she doesn’t hear my crying!! Anyway, hello all, and if anyone wants to share more, I am also here. So glad to know that I am not alone- thought I was losing it for sure!

 

[Funfeathers]

Hello! I have to second the above poster- I just googled the subject “daughter broke up” and found this forum and I also don’t have chickens, LOL. I thought I was absolutely crazy to feel so sad and devastated about my daughter’s break up with her wonderful, sweet, kind BF. I have not cried this much in ages. It has only been a few days and I am trying so hard not to interfere, which means giving my daughter tons of space so she doesn’t hear my crying!! Anyway, hello all, and if anyone wants to share more, I am also here. So glad to know that I am not alone- thought I was losing it for sure!

Hi shami456, I understand you completely. I am still grieving my daughters breakup with her wonderful and as she says, perfect boyfriend and its been over two months. They were together for almost two years and she was the one who broke it off. They are just 20yrs old....still so young and so much to see and do. They never fought and he would spend hours on end here at the house. DH was very fond of him too. The reason for the breakup is that college was taking too much of her time and it was causing strain in the relationship and since she knew that her free time was going to be more limited as the year went on, she preferred to let him go even though he was willing to make sacrifices because he adored her. Truthfully, I think she loves him but is no longer in love. She is fine now although she tells me she misses him. She also admits that more than likely he won't be single for very long because he is the full package (sweet, down to earth, super smart, loyal, bright future, and very handsome). DD is all that too but she is not interested in dating anyone new. She is fine now but I still have daily moments when I feel so sad and cry but I know it was her relationship and not mine and I have to trust her decision. He will be greatly missed, such an amazing guy. I can only wish him the best, he was so good to my daughter.

 

[Hyroler]

you should of known it was coming girls never marry the nice guy.

 

[Funfeathers]

you should of known it was coming girls never marry the nice guy.

Sorry, but that is a cliché for girls that tend to have daddy issues. She comes from a loving household and a father that adores her and gives her 100% love and communication. Only once did she date a jerk and that was in the 10th grade and she kicked him to the curb as soon as he showed his colors. I never cared for the losers either and I have taught her to only look for guys that treat her right but to also be very honest with her feelings and never be with someone just because he fills in all the checks. Some may be perfect, but may not be the right perfect for you. In any case, she is giving him space and not texting him because she told him she would like to have a friendship with him when the waters calm and he agreed. He thanked her for the way she set him free, without dramas and the great girlfriend she was to him during that time. Neither regret the time they spent together, both saying that they would do it all again in a heartbeat if they could turn back time.

I only have her and I feel I got too close to the boyfriend and began to see him as the son I never had and always wanted. I won't make that mistake again if she brings someone new although knowing her, when and if she does, it would be another great guy. I'll get close and consider a boyfriend part of the family when he becomes a fiance and I know there is still a long time coming for that since DD has other priorities before that milestone.

 

[Shami456]

Hi shami456, I understand you completely. I am still grieving my daughters breakup with her wonderful and as she says, perfect boyfriend and its been over two months. They were together for almost two years and she was the one who broke it off. They are just 20yrs old....still so young and so much to see and do. They never fought and he would spend hours on end here at the house. DH was very fond of him too. The reason for the breakup is that college was taking too much of her time and it was causing strain in the relationship and since she knew that her free time was going to be more limited as the year went on, she preferred to let him go even though he was willing to make sacrifices because he adored her. Truthfully, I think she loves him but is no longer in love. She is fine now although she tells me she misses him. She also admits that more than likely he won't be single for very long because he is the full package (sweet, down to earth, super smart, loyal, bright future, and very handsome). DD is all that too but she is not interested in dating anyone new. She is fine now but I still have daily moments when I feel so sad and cry but I know it was her relationship and not mine and I have to trust her decision. He will be greatly missed, such an amazing guy. I can only wish him the best, he was so good to my daughter.

Thank you, Funfeathers for your reply! It is so great to be heard and have your feelings validated. I am so sorry that you have been going through this for two months- it really is a grieving process, which totally took me by surprise. My daughter and I are really close and she asked my advice regularly about situations with him- it was her first serious relationship so in many instances she did not know exactly how to handle things which got me more invested than I ever should have been! Lesson learned. He also treated her so well that it was impossible not to start caring about him and caring about their relationship. Their break up is due to situational reasons and not any loss of love. I guess one positive thing I have learned is that if there are over 600 posts on this thread there must be plenty of great young men for our daughters to end up with when they are ready. Many of the guys she has dated are just looking for something casual so her BF was a nice change- someone who loved her and wasn’t afraid to show it. I guess there are many wonderful fish in the sea for her and all our great daughters.