Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[Funfeathers]

Thank you, Funfeathers for your reply! It is so great to be heard and have your feelings validated. I am so sorry that you have been going through this for two months- it really is a grieving process, which totally took me by surprise. My daughter and I are really close and she asked my advice regularly about situations with him- it was her first serious relationship so in many instances she did not know exactly how to handle things which got me more invested than I ever should have been! Lesson learned. He also treated her so well that it was impossible not to start caring about him and caring about their relationship. Their break up is due to situational reasons and not any loss of love. I guess one positive thing I have learned is that if there are over 600 posts on this thread there must be plenty of great young men for our daughters to end up with when they are ready. Many of the guys she has dated are just looking for something casual so her BF was a nice change- someone who loved her and wasn’t afraid to show it. I guess there are many wonderful fish in the sea for her and all our great daughters.

I am sorry that you are going through it. Seems the Mom's are the collateral damage during a breakup. After all, we fed the boyfriends, joked with them, had them confide in us and hear them flat out say that they are madly in love with one's daughter. How can we not love someone who loves ones kid?

For me, I think the emotion would be about the temporary loss of a dream. We all want our D's to find good husbands--men who are strong, honest, capable, and who will be good and kind to them. When there's a break-up, suddenly your D's ducks are no longer neatly all in a row, and so now there's uncertainty again for you, and so you put back an item on your mom's list of worries.

I guess all we can do is know that we gave our kids a good set of values and hope that it acts as a yardstick for them. She chose a great guy as a first love, so I am just crossing my fingers that ultimately she will choose another great guy. Sure, out of the lot they might bring home a stinker, but usually our great kids find other great kids...just not necessarily the right one for a lifetime, for whatever reason. So, we hate to see them go.

If you are like me, you will probably hurt for a while longer but it will get better. And yes, the great lesson here is that Moms must not get too attached or involved. It's hard, but us Moms also need to guard our hearts as well.

 

[Funfeathers]

I cannot believe I found this forum-I don’t even have chickens! (although I would like to!) I need someone to talk to about the issue you all have been discussing.... I have been dealing with these feelings of loss for going on a year now and would be so thankful to have someone to share them with who would understand!

I'm here, if you want to talk about it. I have previously written what I have been going through for the past 2 months. Now I know how my Mom felt when I broke up with a guy she thought was wonderful in my early 20's (and she was right). I eventually found another great guy and we have been happily married for 23 years but now its my time to hurt and miss someone who I came to love as a son and is now no longer in our lives. I knew the odds were against them because it was their first serious relationship and they are too young at only 20 yrs of age but for some reason I ignored those facts.

 

[DramaMama42]

Thank goodness for this forum because I don’t have a clue where else to turn for some peace of mind. I’ve read through hundreds of your posts tonight and they’ve helped me to put things into perspective, so thank you to all of you.

My story is a bit complicated, so I hope you won’t mind a bit of background first. My eldest DD (19) has never really had a chance to date like a normal teenager due to a number of behavioral issues she had throughout her childhood and adolescence. She was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 16, and has never found close relationships with anyone easy—this includes family, friends, boyfriends, etc. Up until she was diagnosed, our home life was rather volatile (not abusive...just an angry and overwhelmed environment for all of us). She also had a lot of trouble in school and only had a small group of friends that weren’t exactly “good” role models. She dropped out of high school during her senior year and “dated” a number of boys that she never introduced us to. Some we never even knew about.

Somewhere along the line she confessed to us that she had been sexually assaulted and was then diagnosed with PTSD as a result. She had fallen in with a crowd that again wasn’t exactly full of people we approved of, but she was also focusing on one of her artistic passions and so we allowed her to continue hanging out with them with conditions that included curfews, regular check ins, and providing locations where she would be. This worked for the most part.

However, it was during this time that she met the first major boyfriend (a musician). It took our daughter months to finally introduce him to us, and I can honestly say that I never liked him. He was always quiet whenever they were at the house, rarely engaged with the family, and very whiny when he was uncomfortable and ready to leave. In the three years they were together, we may have seen/talked to him a handful of times. Over the years he became more and more controlling of her—where she could go, who she could talk to, what music she could listen to. When she did try to assert herself, he began emotionally abusing and manipulating her. Things finally ended last year when he confessed to cheating on her and promptly broke up with our daughter. We were sad for her, but at the same time elated that she wouldn’t have to go through this anymore.

I wish I could say her life improved, but she started to revert back to her old ways dating jerks who used her for money and sex. These few relationships didn’t last more than a few weeks each, but each time she would be devastated when they ended. I tended to not become too invested in her love life because I knew the patterns—I simply acted as a sounding board and a shoulder to cry on when she needed it.

Then almost four months ago she met a new guy who had become a regular where she worked. They would chat at the counter, flirt a little, and he would go on his merry way. She liked him but she had finally decided to focus on herself and her own well-being, so she wasn’t really planning on starting a new relationship for a long time. And as we all know, plans change. The new guy asked her out (properly) for coffee one day. They saw each other the next day, and the next day...Valentine’s Day came around and he pulled out all the stops to make their date completely perfect, and he succeeded to sweep her off her feet. They made it official that night and became inseparable.

Again, my husband and I never met the guys she dated until much later in the relationship (if at all). So you can imagine our surprise when after only a few weeks she brought him home to meet the family. And he was nothing like any of the previous guys—he was social and completely smitten with our daughter, and he fit in to the point that our youngest DD (14) even started calling him the best big brother she could have ever wished for because none of the others even spoke 2 words to her or made her feel significant at all.

I’m pretty sure that’s when the mom love started. I could see how happy he made my eldest daughter—she simply shined which was a rare thing. He included our youngest in things all the time, he would sit down and discuss news and politics with me, and he would jump at the chance to help my husband with projects around the house. He’d also told me in no uncertain terms that he’s in love with my daughter and wants to have a future with her.

You can imagine as a mom that made my heart swoon.

Now I knew from day one that they would have some obstacles to overcome. He’s the son of a pastor and rather conservative. My daughter comes from a long line of feminist women in a family of liberal/progressives. He’s well-mannered and respectful, and she tends to not have a filter and be a little abrasive. They are both stubborn and strong willed. Add to that my daughter’s emotional baggage and bipolar, and that’s where things get super complicated.

Still, this wonderful guy is in love with her. He struggles with her mood swings (which are hard to deal with), but he wants to learn more about her illness so that he can be a better boyfriend. And he’s trying, but my DD hasn’t made it easy. He also wants her to tone certain things down a bit (he’s done this for her, but she so far has been unwilling to meet him in the middle on things).

Anyway, today they got into an argument about a photo shoot she wanted to have done that he wasn’t comfortable with. They’d compromised a few days ago on this, but my daughter has always been one to push the line a little further to see exactly how far she can go. When he said that this would make him uncomfortable, she pushed back, and they argued. Words were said, and she started to shut down emotionally (a defense mechanism of hers). And then she basically broke up with him. Hung up the phone, started crying, and went out with one of her girlfriends.

Meanwhile, the poor guy calls me absolutely devastated. He kept telling me how much he loves her and would never hurt her, but that he’s tired of everything he says or does being compared to something an ex did to her. He feels like he’s paying for the horrible things they did. I’ve been noticing this behavior from her and we’ve talked to her about it, and she always says that she’s not going to let anyone control her ever again. What she fails to realize is that he’s not trying to control her—he’s trying to find compromises that are acceptable to both of them. He wants a 50/50 relationship, but my DD wants more of a 60/40 (or 80/20). Where it comes to her moods he tries to support her, but she immediately takes it as him nagging her to feel better.

My fear right now is that she’s letting the bipolar and PTSD make the decisions instead of the more level, rational side of herself. The saddest part is that when she’s level and “herself,” their relationship is like a fairytale. He’s a complete gentleman, makes sure all her needs are met, doesn’t allow her to pay for anything, opens doors for her, and makes her smile. I see a spark in her now that has been missing for a long time, and he looks at her like she is the only girl in the world.

Now I’m trying to keep my input to the bare minimum, mostly explaining to him why she sometimes acts the way she does and educating him on living with and loving a person with bipolar and ptsd. Where my daughter is concerned, I try to make her understand his side and that what she perceives as controlling actually isn’t—that it’s a deep seated fear in her that automatically makes her mind jump to what she’s dealt with in the past.

Anyway, we as a family love this boy and we know how hard it is to navigate my daughter’s issues. He told me today that he promised her that the only way he would ever break up with her is if she cheated on him. He loves her so much, and right now he’s devastated over this—as are we—because it came from such a trivial argument. We all know how good they are for each other and how well they balance each other out (they resemble me and my husband in that respect).

I just wish my daughter could move past all the bad things she’s been through to see that there’s this great guy that loves her and is willing to do whatever he can to make up for what the previous guys have done to hurt her. She’s been a bit hard to read tonight though. She admits that she loves him, but there’s that fear in her that nothing can seem to break through. I’d hate to see that ruin her chance at a healthy, happy relationship with this young man.

Anyway, I apologize for the lengthy post here. I needed to let it out to people who might understand how I’m feeling right now, but I also wanted to make clear how complicated the situation is. I really don’t know what to do or say to either of them at this point. We love them both, and he’s become such a big part of our family in a very short time. While she “broke up” with him, I really don’t believe she wants to. I really think she’s afraid of falling for someone that she thinks may have the power to hurt her again.

Am I being too much of a concerned Mom here? Am I overstepping the boundary even though I’ve had to do this at times throughout her life because of her bipolar? When does a mom ever stop being a mom?

 

[Hyroler]

Im to get right to the point here.Talking to xboyfriend and trying help him get back with your daughter isnt going to work out the way you want.She is going to feel like you are taking his side and be angry with both of you.No matter what the reason they broke up you need to support your daughter and her decision.The xboyfriend should be out of your life unless your daughter brings him back in.Even if you think xboyfriend is perfect guy for your daughter thats her decision not yours.If she feels betrayed because you are talking to him behind her back you are going to lose both of them.

 

[DramaMama42]

I’m trying Hyroler. I typically support my daughter’s decisions even when I don’t agree with them. And she does know that he has been talking to me—we’re an open and honest family, and we try to not make a habit of hiding things from each other.

The biggest thing here is that I’m scared she’ll break up with him while she’s in a manic phase (she’s in that right now and it always makes her act before thinking things through). When she comes out of it and levels out, I know that she’ll regret making the decision while she was “off.” She always does. This is why it’s so complicated. I’ve seen her make snap decisions when her bipolar is acting up and then wholeheartedly regret them when she’s level again. And to be honest, it will destroy her emotionally.

And yes, I do love this boy. And I love the way they are together when she’s level. He calms her in a way I haven’t seen in a long time, and she lights up whenever he’s around. It’s when her moods start to shift that things get rocky—she’s been working so hard to get past the mood swings but sometimes they’re so severe that she just can’t think clearly about the things she says/does and the consequences.

Anyway, as I said before, she knows he confides in me and she is ok with it. His own family life is a mess, and we’ve become a safe harbor of sorts. I tend to “adopt” some of her friends, and he’s no different in that respect. I’m the mom that everyone turns to when they need guidance or a shoulder to cry on. But now I guess I feel stuck in the middle. In the end I’ll always support my daughter. But this is probably the hardest decision by her that I’ve ever had to face and accept, and I can’t help feeling sad for the boy right now because he’s done nothing wrong.

There’s so much love there between them, and it’s hard to think that it might not be enough to break through the chemical imbalance in her brain right now.

 

[Funfeathers]

Hi Dramamama42, I read your story and it is indeed troubling since you are dealing with someone with BP and PTSD and at an age that is still difficult to navigate through. What you don't mention is if she is taking medication and recieving psychotherapy for this condition. If not, this is what I would strongly recommend because trying to convince or get into the head of a 19 yr old is hard enough to begin with and to have BP on top well, its a dead end street. I understand your anguish about her finally bringing home someone decent and whom actually loves her. You don't mention his age by the way. I too would feel the same. In this particular aspect, be patient and don't pressure her so as not to make her close up more and it may be best to not have contact with the ex for now. She is still very young and actually she should be encouraged to finish high school. This would help her feel she has made a personal accomplishment which would be very good for her self esteem which seem to be very fragile. Once again, if she is not getting professional help with BP, I suggest you seek it for her. Good luck and keep me posted. Blessings.

 

[DramaMama42]

Thanks Funfeathers.

She’s been in therapy and taking medication since she was 16, and for the most part things are much better than they were before we finally got an accurate diagnosis. The problem is that she tends to forget to take her medications. We are always quick to remind her, but it’s hard when she’s out with friends or staying overnight somewhere. She sees her therapist once every two weeks, and she has a psychiatrist she sees every three months.

As for the bf, he’s 22.

The high school debate is one that comes up often. She says she wants to go get her GED, but then she gets drawn into friends and drama and forgets about it for awhile. We typically don’t push the issue since when we do it becomes an argument unless she brings it up first. This has always been her way, and we tend to choose our battles carefully.

The bf has been a good influence on her and up until now she was talking about finishing school and even working harder to start her own photography business. The current drama seems to have come out of nowhere which is usually a sign that she’s either having a manic or depressive episode. This is when we worry the most because she makes notoriously bad decisions during these times.

Last night/this morning was especially difficult because she had a friend here and was purposely avoiding the bf—to the point of it being cruel. He was messaging me periodically last night and this morning an emotional wreck (he has no one else to turn to). When I mentioned to her this morning that I thought it might be wise to at least settle things either way, she yelled at me (in front of her friend). I chose to back off before it escalated—but I’m angry because I didn’t raise her to be cruel.

Anyway, the bf is here now and they’ve been talking for a couple hours. I don’t know what will happen—I’m trying to stay out of it at this point while still trying to stay alert to any problems, mostly for the sake of my younger daughter. I’m honestly exhausted at this point. I feel horrible for him because he really has been patient, giving her space and handling her mood swings as best as he can. It would be one thing if he’d done something to warrant her breaking up with him, but he’s done nothing to deserve it and is so confused. We all are.

And yes, we’re very worried about her because we know this isn’t how she normally is. I’m tempted to call her therapist, but thanks to the law I won’t get very far—they probably wouldn’t even consent to talk to me about this because of patient confidentiality laws. It’s all so frustrating.

 

[Funfeathers]

I am sincerely sorry that you are going though such a mentally exhausting time with your daughter and I will no longer complain about my own DD when she gets frisky and tries my patience. Have you thought that perhaps her behavior is also due to always walking on eggs around her since she was younger without being strict regardles of her issues with BP? You say that she forgets her meds and she comes and goes with her friends. Sounds like lack of responsibility and she has to realize that because of this she is making other people suffer. Sometimes putting ones foot down is the best way to go in this case by telling her that if she isn't consistent with her medication then for the sake of her younger sister and peace in the household she either gets with the program of will have to leave. Of course, I am not a therapist... just a Mom who runs a fairly open minded household but is non negotiable with certain rules, and one of them is that I demand peace in my home (I came from a very unhappy home...my parents have an F in parenting and should of never had children), so before doing this, I know that there is patient confidentility but I am sure the therapist and psychiatrist would be more than happy to recieve you and hear what you have to say and ask them what would be the best route to take with her. Good luck!

 

[DramaMama42]

That’s actually something my husband and I have been discussing—tough love. We’ve always been lenient with some things, but we’ve also tried to remain firm on certain things since she was little. It’s definitely been a constant battle that up until she turned 18 we had no real options other than possibly institutionalizing her (we couldn’t bring ourselves to do it). Now that she’s legally an adult, we might have to start making some difficult decisions because we’re all tired and know that as long as she has our roof over her head, she’ll continue to think she can do whatever she wants without consequences.

The lack of taking responsibility and not thinking before acting is all part of bipolar. She was doing so well for a long time. She was removing herself from the groups of friends that were a bad influence and holding down a job, she was becoming more active with her sister and more open with us, and just all around working toward improving. She was even paying us rent. And then seemingly all at once she quit her job, started hanging out with the same crowd again, and fighting with everyone else.

Anyway, the bf left about an hour ago. She refused to talk to me about it and seems almost robotic. She was crying a little, but otherwise there was no emotion in her eyes. He messaged me that they were separating for awhile—her choice, not his. He’s still confused as to why, so I’m guessing their talk went in circles (not surprised really). I told her that whatever she decided that it was her decision—and we’d respect her wishes. But I’m having a hard time respecting the way she’s acted the last 48 hours or so. Not just toward him, but toward all of us.

I think that’s why I feel the need to keep an open line of communication with the bf—at least for a little longer. I know what it’s like to deal with her bipolar. It’s very difficult and can be very overwhelming and confusing for loved ones, especially when things turn sour so drastically and so fast. It makes you second guess everything you’ve said or done even when you know for a fact you’ve done nothing wrong. It took me years to accept that it wasn’t me or her, but the illness itself. And I want him to understand that it’s not his fault—that he did nothing wrong. Because I think he feels like he has even though he’s been wonderful to her. Sometimes it’s just not enough.

 

[Hyroler]

Here is problem If your daughter is having a mood swing at a time you are talking to boyfriend or talking to her about how you think she should get back with boyfriend.She is going to blame you for not taking her side.Even though you are only trying to help.Her mental illness is not going to differentiate between you trying to do what is best for her and picking boyfriend feelings over hers.That will only make her feel more isolated and not trust you.
I'm sure your family is close but human nature and mental illness have a way of breaking family and friends apart.Your daughter needs to know you are behind her 100% if she has any doubt it's only going to make it harder on her.If she trust you then she will ask your advise or input when she is ready.