Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[JrJedi]

At least you accept her decision and stay out of it. Thank you for that. My mom was the opposite. She refused to take NO for an answer and kept inviting him over “I thought I’d give you a little push to help”..... the guy was a needy clinger whose behavior crossed into stalking, although that term didn’t exist back then. The story is on Etiquette Hell’s website under Dating. Still gives me nightmares.

However tempted you might be to “help” - don’t just don’t! You may damage your relationship with your daughter.

 

[Loreli]

That’s actually something my husband and I have been discussing—tough love. We’ve always been lenient with some things, but we’ve also tried to remain firm on certain things since she was little. It’s definitely been a constant battle that up until she turned 18 we had no real options other than possibly institutionalizing her (we couldn’t bring ourselves to do it). Now that she’s legally an adult, we might have to start making some difficult decisions because we’re all tired and know that as long as she has our roof over her head, she’ll continue to think she can do whatever she wants without consequences.

The lack of taking responsibility and not thinking before acting is all part of bipolar. She was doing so well for a long time. She was removing herself from the groups of friends that were a bad influence and holding down a job, she was becoming more active with her sister and more open with us, and just all around working toward improving. She was even paying us rent. And then seemingly all at once she quit her job, started hanging out with the same crowd again, and fighting with everyone else.

Anyway, the bf left about an hour ago. She refused to talk to me about it and seems almost robotic. She was crying a little, but otherwise there was no emotion in her eyes. He messaged me that they were separating for awhile—her choice, not his. He’s still confused as to why, so I’m guessing their talk went in circles (not surprised really). I told her that whatever she decided that it was her decision—and we’d respect her wishes. But I’m having a hard time respecting the way she’s acted the last 48 hours or so. Not just toward him, but toward all of us.

I think that’s why I feel the need to keep an open line of communication with the bf—at least for a little longer. I know what it’s like to deal with her bipolar. It’s very difficult and can be very overwhelming and confusing for loved ones, especially when things turn sour so drastically and so fast. It makes you second guess everything you’ve said or done even when you know for a fact you’ve done nothing wrong. It took me years to accept that it wasn’t me or her, but the illness itself. And I want him to understand that it’s not his fault—that he did nothing wrong. Because I think he feels like he has even though he’s been wonderful to her. Sometimes it’s just not enough.

Hi. I’m new here. I googled it think my daughter and her bf are gonna break up and I’m sooo sad about it. I think I’m weird.’ And I found this website and thread. Haha. Wow. I guess I’m not so weird. I’m wondering how you are feeling now since this is from 2018. Are you still sad and missing the boyfriend? Sis they get back together. I read your whole story. Sounds like you did your very best. But I get the sad.

 

[Loreli]

Hi, I’m new here
I too am going through this I’m so glad I came across this forum whilst searching for some sort of support and reassurance that I’ve not gone completely crazy. I thought I was the only person to feel like this.
Thank you all for your posts on here. I’ve been reading through all of them and it’s been quite therapeutic.
How is everyone doing now?

Hi. I’m new as of a few min ago. I saw your post above but I cannot see the beginning but I’ll bet I can guess. Just funny because I felt the same way ....weird and different for feeling like I do.
mom so close with my daughters bf when she’s happy with him she wants us to be close. When she gets annoyed or upset with him she wants me too as well. So I get kinda pulled. The thought of them aplitting up just makes me sad. So so sad. I don’t have boys and having him around was great. I’m happy when he is here cuz I know my daughter is happy. The thought of summer time and our familycamping without him makes me so sad.

 

[Loreli]

Hi. I’m new here. I googled it think my daughter and her bf are gonna break up and I’m sooo sad about it. I think I’m weird.’ And I found this website and thread. Haha. Wow. I guess I’m not so weird. I’m wondering how you are feeling now since this is from 2018. Are you still sad and missing the boyfriend? Sis they get back together. I read your whole story. Sounds like you did your very best. But I get the sad.

Thanks for you response. I understand your feelings of wanting to reach out to the bf cuz you know he thinks he’s done something wrong but hasn’t. I always have to resist reaching out to the bf. My daughter always wanted us to be close and encouraged him being part of our family. He asks me advice about her or in general and I get mad at him sometimes but I do love him. I don’t have anyone close to me who is bipolar but I do have two extended family members that have mental illness or challenges so serious that they need medication. So I understand erratic unexpected behaviors and how it can confuse you and make you question what you did 5 minutes ago. My daughter and I have often questioned if the bf’s mother is bipolar or something. She used to be very very outwardly mean towards my daughter then in the blink of an eye she wouldn’t. The bf says ‘she just doesn’t wanna see her only son have his first GF, she likes you.’ Not true. For example two thanksgivings ago my daughter went ove thanksgiving eve to wish them a happy holiday and brought a cake as for the mom. Mom asks her son (standing right next to my daughter) why she brought that, thy don’t need it, why was being brought into this house. He was embarrassed and put the cake on the counter....when they ledft the cake made on the floor by the door so they’d take when they left. Then....months later I was helping bf try to get scholarship money for college and writing a letter to the colleges to ask for help. I was nervous to show him the letter I wrote and I explained ahead that the letter needed to strongly worded to tell his story but that he could change any of it. Amongst other things, I said that his mom was mentally ill and not able to hold down a job. He looked at me and simply agreed. Anyhow, don’t know how I got here. You have a lot in your heart and on your plate. Big decisions for sure about your daughters care. Sounds like you do a good job at being thoughtful about what’s best for her, I believe that if your thoughtful you’ll do the right thing. I’m curious to know what happens between u and the bf. My own heart just feels so tremendously sad at the thought of her bf not being in our house, not being around this summer to do the things we all did last summer. Again....who knows what will happen but I feel not normal for feeling this way (regardless of what happens). Prayers for you and your daughter and the bf. Keep me posted.

 

[Loreli]

1. At least you accept her decision and stay out of it. Thank you for that. My mom was the opposite. She refused to take NO for an answer and kept inviting him over “I thought I’d give you a little push to help”..... the guy was a needy clinger whose behavior crossed into stalking, although that term didn’t exist back then. The story is on Etiquette Hell’s website under Dating. Still gives me nightmares.
   
   However tempted you might be to “help” - don’t just don’t! You may damage your relationship with your daughter.

   Gosh I don’t know if anyone is looking at this any longer but it sure is great. I want to hug all of you. I don’t know what’s going on with my daughter and her bf. Crappy communication I guess. But it’s making me strangely sad. It’s so reassuring to know I’m not alone. If any of you in this thread read this I’d love to hear your updates (and I hope I know how to find them). I wish we could all sit around with our own pints of Ben & Jerrys and talk/laugh/whine. Hope to hear back

 

[indymo]

My daughter recently broke up with her boyfriend of one year (they are both 24). We all embraced him as a member of the family, and he was welcomed to holiday dinners and vacations. The whole extended family was impressed by his wit, intelligence, and gentle nature. I saw how he adored my daughter, and she seemed crazy about him as well. I thought he was going to be "the one," but in the past month, my daughter hinted she was feeling overwhelmed and pressured for a committment she was not ready for. I advised her to speak with him and tell him how she felt, that perhaps they would both benefit from taking a few steps back. She broke it off entirely, and in speaking with her she feels she made the right decision. As a mother, I am of course supportive of her, but at the same time, I know he was devastated and my heart aches for him. I am so sad! Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[indymo]

Hi, I am new here and just found this thread by Googling why am I so sad about my daughter's breakup. It was so helpful to find all of these comments and see that I'm not alone. My daughter has been with her boyfriend for 2 years and he has been absolutely crazy about her since the beginning. She is "done" and doesn't think she wants to be with him anymore. I am just so sad, not only because I feel she is making a mistake and he is so great for her, but because I have become so close with him. No one seems to understand why I am so heart broken, and I don't know how to cheer up right now. It makes me feel crazy.

 

[Loreli]

Hi, I am new here and just found this thread by Googling why am I so sad about my daughter's breakup. It was so helpful to find all of these comments and see that I'm not alone. My daughter has been with her boyfriend for 2 years and he has been absolutely crazy about her since the beginning. She is "done" and doesn't think she wants to be with him anymore. I am just so sad, not only because I feel she is making a mistake and he is so great for her, but because I have become so close with him. No one seems to understand why I am so heart broken, and I don't know how to cheer up right now. It makes me feel crazy.

Hi @indymo Oh man...I’m so happy to see these two posts . Yours and the one right after. I know how you feel!! Totally!! My daughter has been with her bf 1.5yrs ‘officially’ and a few more months prior. He adores her. And I can see she adores him. He told me a few months in that he was planning to marry her one day- haha. Warming my heat completely. She goes from fantasy wedding planning to telling me she’s breaking up with him. They are young though....17 & 18. I feel not normal for caring soooo deeply. It’s made me question so many things about myself. But finding this thread has been a huge help. I was bummed that it was so old. So I’m so happy to see people responding now. I think people that say your crazy and don’t understand just haven’t experienced witnessing their daughters (or sons) feeling and looking like ours do. It warms me to see someone love my child. I don’t get why that makes me weird.

 

[drumstick diva]

Can't believe this thread is still going. Gee I'm glad I survived numerous break-ups without my mother going public with them all.

 

[Loreli]

Haha. I’d like to think we have some level of anonymity here. Funny enough- when I first read the posts I had no idea if was actually a group for raising chickens. Since I don’t think my daughter will be researching how to raise chickens anytime soon, I think I’ve found a safe place to help me process what I’m feeling while being respectful of her privacy.....so ya never know Your mom could have gotten advice and reassurance for some pretty off beat places haha. But sounds like you fared well so I guess she did good