Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[icn2ureyes]

My daughter just broke up with her boyfriend (he's older by 12 years, has four children from another woman that never wanted to marry him and he lives 3.5 hours away). My husband and I were not thrilled with them seeing each other for all the reasons I just mentioned. A very difficult situation. He lives with the mom (separate bedrooms) as they have a mutual understanding. She knows about my daughter and is not thrilled, but yet she never wanted to marry him. She has never been nasty or mean about my daughter, but just not thrilled with situation. It's a really difficult messed up situation that we never wanted our daughter to get in to, but they fell in love and it is what it is.

We have accepted this young man into our family and treated him like a son/brother. Long long story short. They broke up this past weekend. He proposed to her and she wasn't as thrilled as a bride to be should be. She has shown interest in another guy and she and her fiancé have been fighting alot. This happened back last Christmas also, but they got back together and she insisted that she wanted to be with only him. Long distance relationships are very difficult to begin with not to mention throw in four kids, and an unusual living situation. I feel they were doomed from the start, but as we got to know him, we fell in love with him. He's a hard worker, responsible, honest, respectful, kind, caring, etc....It's the entire situation that stinks! If only they had met before he had kids! If, if, if, if, if! Such a small word with so many possibilities! I feel like I've lost a son now. We always enjoyed his visits. He's a really great guy. I feel like we will never see him again. He was planning a trip up for his birthday this september. It saddens me. He views us as the family he never had being tossed into a foster home as a young child. My heart just aches for him.

Part of me realizes that this is probably best for my daughter, but I hurt for him and with him. He is my son. My husband keeps saying he feels bad too, and that he will always be family, but that they had three or more years to figure this thing out and it became stale. Thoughts, suggestions, comfort anyone? Can I wave a magic wand and make it all go away and make everyone happy? I hate seeing ANYONE hurt.

 

[connie1966]

So sad i know ! We hurt for them , just the thought of him suffering killed me , im still missing him every single day .. it will get better , i feel like i lost a son and i still cant accept hes not in my life and probably never be , my daughter moved on quickly i hace not, apparently he has also, my sister saw him he told her he appreciates everything i did for him and he will always love me for that

 

[bdcraw]

Just dropping in to see how everyone is doing. "...eyes", I think we can all relate to how you feel about the break-up. It's hard to let go of someone who felt like a member of the family. And while there is no way to turn back time or make the situation work out differently, time will indeed make it easier to cope with. It's been over a year since my daughter and her boyfriend broke up. She's now dating again and I have to assume that he is doing well,l also. I still miss him and think about him and want nothing but the best in life for him, but the pain of losing him in our lives has definitely eased. I still grieve a bit for the future I thought they would have together (and those precious dark-haired grandbabies I thought I'd have through them), but I feel happy about life again. I'm trying not to get so caught up in my daughter's new relationship and since the young man doesn't live near-by, that's been easier to do. I keep myself busy these days and try not to dwell on the past so much. My daughter and I went skydiving this summer! Something to check off our bucket list. Felt good to challenge ourselves and think about what daring feat we want to tackle next.
For now, I think the age old advice of taking one day at a time, is relevant here. I hope you find that in time you feel resolved about the current situation. Good luck and I'm glad you found an online place for support

 

[Pinkaboo]

I've never thought of this situation happening! Luckily I'm not too keen on my too daughters partner/ husband but my sons have lovely girlfriends and I'd be sad to lose then from the family
I'm not sure what I'd do in this situation, but even if my daughter wasn't pleased I'd keep in touch with the ex and he'd become a family friend

 

[connie1966]

Hey bdcraw , glad your doing well, my daughters in a relationship also but i am just not interested in getting to know hom at all, its too soon for me even though its been a year im still missing him everyday, i just heard he got an ulcer after the breakup poor kid, i saw his mom this week and she told me hes just now starting to calm down he was so hurt and angry and he keeps everything inside

@pinkaboo he cut all ties with me also , he useto ask me will we still be friends if ever me and leila break up , but reality is different its too painful .. Anyway im still trying to accept this reality its not easy letting go of someone you loved so much he will always be my family

 

[Pinkaboo]

Hey bdcraw , glad your doing well, my daughters in a relationship also but i am just not interested in getting to know hom at all, its too soon for me even though its been a year im still missing him everyday, i just heard he got an ulcer after the breakup poor kid, i saw his mom this week and she told me hes just now starting to calm down he was so hurt and angry and he keeps everything inside

@pinkaboo he cut all ties with me also , he useto ask me will we still be friends if ever me and leila break up , but reality is different its too painful .. Anyway im still trying to accept this reality its not easy letting go of someone you loved so much he will always be my family

That's very sad
Hopefully the new boyfriend will be lovely too, and maybe with time it will be easier for you all x x x

 

[connie1966]

I dont think hes soneone i would like i met him a couple times he didnt even shske my hand and im italian for us its customary to shake habd and kiss cheeks, and i heard a few things he has said in genetal and he sounds judgemental .. I dont know im just not feelin it i have a feeling it eont last i think its infatuation on her part not love, iv seen her cry a few times also , its crazy her x was so loving respectful loyal and kind but she left him and ends up with someone who makes ger cry! Life is effed up sometimes .

 

[countrydream7]

my step dtr use to brin men around she was dating or friends with ..finallt told her when u are serious enough bring them over.. i dont want my home to be a revolving door more so when there are kids involved..we didnt speak for a while but she is getting the idea now i hope..good luck to you ...part of growing up and parents suffer for it as well!!!

 

[connie1966]

Do we ever! This is only her second boyfriend but its too soon for me to have him come over, she says she never wants to get married so whats the point bringing him home..

 

[bdcraw]

Pinkaboo, I'd love to have some kind of connection to the ex boyfriend, as I thought of him almost like a son, but he seemed to need a clean break and I respected that. I've had no contact with him and can only imagine that he's doing very well. He's a smart, capable, kind, young man and I'm sure he will have a happy life. I still miss him and will always care about him. But I take comfort in knowing he's ok.