Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[bdcraw]

ooops, the post I was referring to was from Lisa56. Lisa, I hope my reply and assurance that things will get better helps you.

Punk a doodle, thank you for taking time give such sage advice.

 

[bdcraw]

ok, tried to delete the above post, now that I know how to edit.(addressed the original to the wrong person)
Can't delete my 2nd one, so just ignore. wheww...I'm outta here.

Stay strong dear moms.

 

[punk-a-doodle]

Bdcraw, so glad to hear that the hurt and pain is starting to give way to excitement for the future. It takes a lot of strength to pull insight out of an experience that pains us, and it sounds like you have done just that. I can't think of anything more helpful to people dealing with an experience than hearing encouragement from someone who has gone through the same thing and is healing. I'm really glad you all have this place to speak with, learn from, share, and heal with each other.

 

[at463]

I cannot believe I found this thread. I thought I was going mad. Two days ago my daughter split with her boyfriend after 4 years. She's nearly 23. He's devastated and has been in contact several times. I can't believe how upset I am and how much I feel for him it feels as if I'm going through the breakup. I guess it is like going through a grieving process a little.

 

[bdcraw]

at463,

I can relate to all the feelings you've described. I felt the same way after my daughter's break-up. Funny how she, and I believe, he, seemed to handle it so much better. But they knew there were problems and I had NO issues with the relationship!. You're situation is sadder since her boyfriend seems to be taking it so hard. That would break my heart too. I tried to explain to my daughter that after 4 yrs it was not unlike losing a son. I knew he would be all right but I also knew I was going to miss him deeply and what I thought they had and the future grandchildren that I hoped they have one day. They certainly talked about all those things. My daughter and ex are a little older than yours but I do understand the feeling of grief. You're having to let go of so many things at once.

What I can tell you, as I've stated on this site before, is that it does get better. I thought it would take me years to stop feeling so sad, but since the break-up this past summer, I've managed to find my footing and feel happy again and look toward the future. It helps that my daughter is so happy and she assures me that her ex is too. I will always care about him and wish nothing but a lifetime of happiness for him. I will miss his family as well. I'm sure he and my daughter will both find someone special again when they are ready, as I know your daughter and her ex boyfriend will as well. They have youth on their side and this heartbreak will help them gain experience and fortitude in life.

It may help to propel your thoughts to some time in the future when both young people have moved on and dated and perhaps even found that person they want to spend their lives with. They will probably both have achieved a number of accomplishments in that time and you will be looking back on this difficult time with only a sigh and a smile and a personal understanding that unwanted changes in our lives do indeed lead to better things. Good luck and know this....You Are Not Going Mad!!

 

[connie1966]

I'm still mourning 5 months later I'm having a hard time accepting he won't be in my life anymore he cut all contact , which is a good thing for him but not for me, I guess I need closure too, maybe I need for him to tell me I'm ok .. I miss him everyday I'm a single mom the type that has no life always focused on my daughter that's it so I was always here with them so he was my friend my brother and my son , it sucks because he was one of the good ones she didn't leave him because of conflict or anything she just felt she was too young wants to live a bit travel experience life so it's harder to accept, I know she will regret it one day in the future to be loved and respected like that will be hard to find these days.

 

[bdcraw]

Connie,

I'm sorry you're still struggling but I do understand why. I told my daughter I've learned a few things for myself through this. I realize now that I was using my daughter's life as big part of fulfillment for my own. I have two sons but neither are dating (one is 'married' to the Marine Corps) and both have very busy lives that are very separate from ours. So, it has been my daughter's life, and more specifically, this past relationship that I heavily invested in. And they made it easy for me to that (not blaming them, of course) because they visited our home often and were with us for holidays and many weekends and we met with his family on numerous occasions over the 4 years they were together. My daughter and I have always enjoyed doing things together so it was natural to just slide right in to her life with the boyfriend.

I've always been involved in other things in my life (I don't work, I was a stay at home mom), but it was this relationship that brought me my greatest joy. I now realize how dangerous and unhealthy that was. I've had to go back and regroup, and find new things to keep me busy and bring me joy. Volunteering has been a start and I've made a serious offer to babysit for a new couple that moved on to my street...for free!! My daughter and I are still close but she's going out with friends, and joining new groups, etc. She's also seriously considering applying for a job in another city that will take her a long distance from us. AT 25 yrs of age, now is the time for her to spread her wings and be adventurous. How I wish she had been content to marry this wonderful man (he's 30) and settle down and start a family near us. TaDa!! Would have worked for me! But it's not my life, is it?!
I now know that I need to develop this time in my life for myself, and stay busy with my own friends, and do more things with just my husband and I. That's as it should be. Lesson learned...the hard way.

I can imagine being on your own makes this loss all the more difficult. I hope you can find other things that make you happy. People can never be replaced, of course, and I hope the pain you feel in missing him will ease in time. I still miss my daughter's ex boyfriend. He was very much a part (member) of our family. I will always miss him. But it is definitely getting easier. Some lucky family will have him for a son-in-law one day. Our loss will be their gain. And hopefully, we'll have one of our own one day. And who knows, maybe a daughter-in-law too! The future is wide open now

 

[connie1966]

Yup that's it , he lived with us also for 1 1/2 and yes I have no friends I don't go out I have only lived for my daughter she is also going out more now and is also planning on working in another continent one day god help me I feel lost already,I know it's not healthy but this is my life I chose to focus on her and I have no idea how to start living for myself now I totally detached myself I am only a mom at this point, but I will have to find a way to get through this I don't have a choice it's just not going to be easy , I am starting a new job soon so that will help to distract me a little and I am getting healthy again so il continue to focus on that , should make me feel better.. Thank you for your kind words your absolutely right it's their life their lessons to learn but as the saying goes a mother knows! Lol keep me posted on how your doing with this .

 

[bdcraw]

I will Connie, and you do the same. I applaud you for getting healthy. That is a HUGE step in the right direction and not an easy one under any circumstances. Our daughters have not moved yet so I say let's not focus on that possibility right now. It may happen or it may be just their way of entertaining their new found freedom. All kinds of doors have opened to them, we'll just have to see which they choose.
In the meantime, us moms will hang together, even if it's thru a social media site. And I hope your new job brings new people in to your life. Don't be afraid to make the first move. Ask a co-worker to join you for lunch, if that's possible.

The first time my son left for combat (in 2003) I turned to web sites for info and support. I have wonderful friends, but it was hard for them to understand just what I was experiencing, especially in the early days of the Iraqi war.
Through one particular online forum, I met a wonderful grp of moms with Marine sons who lived in my area and we've been great friends ever since. It's a great way for people like you and I to connect with similar concerns and issues. But nothing takes the place of real people in our lives. Make a point to reach out.

My daughter has been great at that, btw. She's by nature an introvert, but she made herself get involved in activities she normally would have never considered before. She joined a local kick ball league for people her age that meets at a local park. She found it's enormous fun and introduced her to all kinds of fun and interesting people. I'm proud of her. I hope her ex is doing the same.

 

[connie1966]

Wow you are one strong woman I don't think I could handle my child in combat! I'm happy you found support it does help when they are going through the same thing , I keep getting told to get over it and that I have issues! So apparently having love and compassion for a human being u loved and cared for and that also loved me is an issue .. Whatever!! It's funny my daughter is also an introvert , about them moving your probably right it's probably more of a fantasy my daughter is 20 so she's in that you live once and I need to live life to the fullest mode! When Reality sets in one day that she already had all she needed that really mattered in life that will be sad, but that's what life is all about living and learning. Email me if you want anytime [email protected]