Daughter broke up with boyfriend and I'm the one depressed!

[Loreli]

Thank you both for replying and sharing your stories. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Coffeluvr, it hasn't even been a week since my D's breakup, I can't even imagine how you must feel after five years of going through this. I'm so sorry. I completely know what you mean when you say you "miss THEM". I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few days and I've come to a lot of realizations. One of the many reasons I got so wrapped up in the relationship is that I feel that he saw her for the wonderful person she is, he really knew her, and appreciated her all her qualities, and he was very consistent in expressing this admiration to her, and to me. I want that for my D in a partner.

Loreli, the maturity in my case was evident in the way they communicated and respected each other. They also pushed each other in their schoolwork, studied together, and encouraged each other to pursue goals outside of the relationship. They are actually very similar people. I'm so sorry you haven't been able to have contact, it must be really difficult, and I can relate, it's hard to feel as if you have a child of your own out there, and you don't know what's going on with his life.

As I mentioned, I've been doing a lot of thinking in these past few days, trying to come to peace with this, trying to understand why I feel this way, and what to do going forward. While I'm still sad and grieving, I'm not as broken-hearted anymore.

I love my girls with all my heart, but before they were born, for some reason I pictured myself having a boy. Then when I had the girls and I couldn't have any more babies, I told myself, no problem, their significant others will be my boys. That's problem #1, I have expectations. Our family is very close knit and I always told them growing up to chose well because their spouses would be part of our family. Then when this boy showed up, he was so warm, kind, and thought my daughter was the best thing in the world. And they were in love and so respectful to each other, and making plans to go to the same school, marriage, babies. I wasn't necessarily ready for all of that, but I thought, she could be that kind of person, who meets their match early on, and stays with that person for a lifetime, she has that kind of personality. I let myself go along with their plans, telling myself it's ok, I accepted it, and then I started getting excited with her.

As far as crossing boundaries, I'm not sure. If there were any I think they needed to be crossed. I have given her the space and freedom to make all decisions for herself during the relationship, never told her what to do. Because of her age and this being her first relationship, and being long distance, I did have more discussions than a mother of an older child would have, giving her the tools and asking questions to help her think before acting. Towards the end of the relationship, she became closer to us. She has told me a few times in the past month how appreciative she is of having us as parents, after seeing the way his mom treated him, and another friend's parents treat her friend.

Although the first two days I did talk to her about the breakup, and if she was sure, etc, I have now dropped the subject. I told her in the last conversation that I trust her, and my loyalty lies with her. I did respond to his one very sweet text the day after the breakup. I told him that I was praying for him to be happy, and that he'll always have a friend in me if needed, and that I was proud of them for handling it so maturely. He didn't answer after that and I'm going to leave it be. I will continue praying/ quietly sending him good wishes. He still has me in all his social media, Instagram, FB. He deleted all pics of him and D. D has not deleted any pics or changed anything t all. Her default photo is still of them together. She has no plans of dating for the time being, just wants to focus on getting to college, her job, etc. which is very admirable.

Some well meaning friends have told me to keep the boyfriends at a distance in the future but that's not who I am. At the risk of being heart broken over and over, I know I will welcome whomever with open arms and lots of love.

Hi Skiesabove,
Oh how badly I want to run to a corner read your post and respond. But as lame as it sounds I can’t. Not til the day is over and my kids aren’t around me. It’s my crying and processing time. Look for a response from me this eve.
for now just hang tough. You are NOT alone. I’m here, feeling your pain. Sitting with my D doing school work. She will literally notice my focus and call me out.
a week is rough. It’s ripe and very much an open wound. Sending you virtual hugs....respond all you want. Rant all you want. I will read it all. I want to. I want to help you and it also heals me. Coffeeluvr has so much good to add too. Ugh. I hate it.
talk this eve

 

[Loreli]

Hi Skiesabove,
Oh how badly I want to run to a corner read your post and respond. But as lame as it sounds I can’t. Not til the day is over and my kids aren’t around me. It’s my crying and processing time. Look for a response from me this eve.
for now just hang tough. You are NOT alone. I’m here, feeling your pain. Sitting with my D doing school work. She will literally notice my focus and call me out.
a week is rough. It’s ripe and very much an open wound. Sending you virtual hugs....respond all you want. Rant all you want. I will read it all. I want to. I want to help you and it also heals me. Coffeeluvr has so much good to add too. Ugh. I hate it.
talk this eve

Oh gosh. What a night. I wish I had someone here to talk to. That feeling like you said Skiesabove , of having a kid out there that you can’t communicate with. It’s a horrible feeling. And at the moment it’s getting more horrible. I hate this. I hate it so much. And what is wrong with me that I don’t know how to cry. My heart feels like it just had a ton of broken glass thrown at it and my eyes fill with water and I feel like I’m gonna burst then I can’t. And I need to.

 

[Coffeeluvr]

I wish I had been able to cope as well as you have, Skiesabove. I'm not religious, but I too started to pray, and it helped. And Lorelei, that shattering in your heart is genuinely painful. Mine hurt all the time until we met up with him again - a year after their breakup. Something I said had given my husband that feeling, and he could finally empathize a little. And that's when he reached out to the ex. I was too afraid. Childhood abandonment issues I've since learned.
My daughter's relationship was identical to what you described, Skiesabove. And I also went along with the plans and developed expectations. Her current boyfriend is a convenient security blanket. My mom and sister also agree. And I did tell her ex that. He chuckled a little.
I do like reading both of your stories. It helps
Coffeeluvr

 

[Loreli]

Hi Coffeluvr and Skiesabove. What a horrible night. The friend group of this bf seem to enjoy tormenting my d. They are a bunch of losers with nothing to do. My daughter and he planned to marry, kids, the whole thing too. And was I wrong for, like you both, went along with it. I don’t think it was wrong. I think it was right to go along. What should I have done? Say ‘oh don’t get your hopes up, it won’t last.’ That would be a terrible thing to say plus I actually did believe it just might. Their maturity level was incredible. So why not. They had more going for them than most. Their plans were incredible and fun to be a part of. Like I think you’ve both said-they invited me in and I loved it. It brought me closer to my D as well. And became my son.
I also pray about this daily. I’m not religious but I’ve always been spiritual and always found comfort in prayer. I’ve been trying to say affirmations as well. I see the growing up that needs to happen on both their parts but I am
holding faith that they will at some point work out the bumps. They can. I can hear in her voice that she’s willing to try. But he is not being very nice now. He’s hurt and acting angry and accusatory and it’s making things worse. I want to shake him! But I’m not allowed contact. I don’t want to create a thing where my D can tell me what to do but she’s asked me not to talk to him so I don’t. He twists what I say and it makes her feel like I’m not on her side. I’m always going to have her back. But she doesn’t seem to feel that right now. It hurts and I want it to stop. And hurts in me but also hurts to see my D in pain and not able to do much.

 

[Gray Angel Farm]

My daughter broke up with her boyfriend when she was in high school.
He was a great young man. He treated her very well, took her out, bought her clothes, school supplies and anything she wanted really. He was 19 and she was 17.
These 2 were such a great couple and I still to this day am completely certain he would have asked her to marry him after she graduated, but she dumped him like it was no big deal.
He came by our house to talk to her and he and I ended up sitting outside talking and crying together and we were both devastated.
I have moved but have ran into him a few times and he always hugs me like I’m his mom.
It’s her life, not mine...but I felt just like you.
I don’t see anything wrong with reaching out and expressing how you feel. Closure is good. A conversation or texting may help you to let go. Her ex boyfriend may be wanting to reach out to you as well, but feel it’s inappropriate.

 

[Loreli]

My daughter broke up with her boyfriend when she was in high school.
He was a great young man. He treated her very well, took her out, bought her clothes, school supplies and anything she wanted really. He was 19 and she was 17.
These 2 were such a great couple and I still to this day am completely certain he would have asked her to marry him after she graduated, but she dumped him like it was no big deal.
He came by our house to talk to her and he and I ended up sitting outside talking and crying together and we were both devastated.
I have moved but have ran into him a few times and he always hugs me like I’m his mom.
It’s her life, not mine...but I felt just like you.
I don’t see anything wrong with reaching out and expressing how you feel. Closure is good. A conversation or texting may help you to let go. Her ex boyfriend may be wanting to reach out to you as well, but feel it’s inappropriate.

Hi Gray Angel. How many years ago was it? Yeah, he is definitely like a son for sure. She’s asked me not to reach out because she says he uses it as an excuse to reach out to her but not in such a nice way. I don’t really understand it. He and I have always been very very close. He texted me a very sweet text on Mother’s Day but I knew I couldn’t more than thank you. Or the converse would go towards their break up. I’m upset because of the pain my D is in. And because I love and miss him. I love and miss ‘THEM’ even more. But lately I’m seeing an angry side of him. And it’s not nice. It’s most definitely perpetuated by a nasty group of friends but still- he’s a big boy . It’s not an acceptable excuse.

 

[Gray Angel Farm]

This was 11 yrs ago.
That is a sad situation. If his friends have that much control over him it sounds like your daughter is probably much better off without him and you just have to suppress your emotions and feelings on the situation. Pray for healing for everyone involved including you. When it’s out of your hands, put it in God’s hands.

 

[Loreli]

Hi Gray Angel. How many years ago was it? Yeah, he is definitely like a son for sure. She’s asked me not to reach out because she says he uses it as an excuse to reach out to her but not in such a nice way. I don’t really understand it. He and I have always been very very close. He texted me a very sweet text on Mother’s Day but I knew I couldn’t more than thank you. Or the converse would go towards their break up. I’m upset because of the pain my D is in. And because I love and miss him. I love and miss ‘THEM’ even more. But lately I’m seeing an angry side of him. And it’s not nice. It’s most definitely perpetuated by a nasty group of friends but still- he’s a big boy . It’s not an acceptable excuse.

This was 11 yrs ago.
That is a sad situation. If his friends have that much control over him it sounds like your daughter is probably much better off without him and you just have to suppress your emotions and feelings on the situation. Pray for healing for everyone involved including you. When it’s out of your hands, put it in God’s hands.

That’s good advice. To put it in Gods hands. I do that every morning when my eyes open and it’s the last thing I do before bed. I’m trying. And prayer does help. It really does. I have no doubt we are cared for and carried.And at times I loose faith but in those times I tell myself I know it’s there...I’ve just fallen off the path. That’s how I feel about their relationship. They were so mature and thoughtful. I could say so many wonderful things about them as individuals and as a couple. They were ‘that’ couple. The one everybody knew would get married, etc.
My heart aches that he is so weak and has this anger. It’s sad. And if he had parents or friends that really supported him he could work through it. I hope he comes to grip with it. She does deserve someone honest and kind 100% of the time. Well, you know what I mean. He almost seems to have a neurological issue. It’s something my D and I have talked about often. Once he and I got close we spoke about it and he shared about head injuries he had that were ignored. He promised me and my D he’d go to a dr but needed help figuring out who and how. I scheduled something for him and D and I were going to take him several months ago. A family emergency caused us to cancel. Then back to
College....and here we are. My D and I often spoke about how we/she cannot make excuses for bad behavior, but how there really may be an issue there. Now who knows. I can’t get over how very very VERY painful and hard this is for ME. It’s not supposed to be. I want to me a good mom to my wonderful D. That means shaping up and stop being so sad. But I just can’t beat it. I guess time heals all. But I don’t see this happening fast . One part of it is that because I’m an adult- I see where they are going wrong. Ya know? They need to go back to allowing themselves to be vulnerable. To talk honestly and cry if they want. But he keeps pushing her away with stupid comments that are prompted by his horrible friends.
I’m not a social media person but this thread has been such a blessing. You, Coffeeluvr and Skiesabove. Thank you. Having you three and reading older posts is very healing. That plus prayer. I’d love to hear more of your story if you want to share. Where are they now? Does your D talk to him? Talk to you about him? Do you still talk to him?

 

[Gray Angel Farm]

No I do not believe my daughter speaks to him anymore. We moved about an hour and a half away so I have no idea where he is now.

My daughter went on to several dead end relationships and then she thought she had met the one. Unfortunately, she did not, but they had 2 kids before she finally told him to leave. He pays child support, and spends maybe 2 hrs once a week with his kids. Then he won’t see them for a month and then calls to see them. It’s ridiculous. My daughter works a different shift then he does so in my opinion a stand up dad would be watching his kids while she was at work, but not him. He’s not ready for that, well maybe you should have thought about that before you fathered 2 kids pal.
They lived with us rent free for nearly a yr so they could get out of debt and be able to make a life for themselves and he showed absolutely 0 appreciation.
He would sit at the table while I made dinner for 7 ppl and not lift a finger to help do anything. Never offered to help my husband around the property. On his days off he would smoke cigarettes outside or lay in the loft on his phone or watch tv and we have 60 acres.
I have a 17 yr old daughter who watches the 2 kids while my oldest daughter works and I make them pay her. He thinks she should do it for free because she’s family. They are paying her less than $3 an hour and he acts like that’s criminal. When she finally flies the coop her choice is to drive 45 mins to my house for me to watch them or find someone else to watch them.
I have had to give them to God. I have talked until I’m blue in the face and done everything in my power to help her and even though she’s almost 28 yrs old she’s still acting like a wild teenager. I was so stressed out my blood pressure was high and I was really at the end of my rope and now, I just pray for her and my grand babies and that he will open his eyes to what being a father is before it’s too late.
She recently started a new relationship and all I can say...
I’m not impressed.
There will never be another guy as good as the one she let go of when she was in high school in my honest opinion and if there is, she will never find him acting like she is now.

 

[Loreli]

No I do not believe my daughter speaks to him anymore. We moved about an hour and a half away so I have no idea where he is now.

My daughter went on to several dead end relationships and then she thought she had met the one. Unfortunately, she did not, but they had 2 kids before she finally told him to leave. He pays child support, and spends maybe 2 hrs once a week with his kids. Then he won’t see them for a month and then calls to see them. It’s ridiculous. My daughter works a different shift then he does so in my opinion a stand up dad would be watching his kids while she was at work, but not him. He’s not ready for that, well maybe you should have thought about that before you fathered 2 kids pal.
They lived with us rent free for nearly a yr so they could get out of debt and be able to make a life for themselves and he showed absolutely 0 appreciation.
He would sit at the table while I made dinner for 7 ppl and not lift a finger to help do anything. Never offered to help my husband around the property. On his days off he would smoke cigarettes outside or lay in the loft on his phone or watch tv and we have 60 acres.
I have a 17 yr old daughter who watches the 2 kids while my oldest daughter works and I make them pay her. He thinks she should do it for free because she’s family. They are paying her less than $3 an hour and he acts like that’s criminal. When she finally flies the coop her choice is to drive 45 mins to my house for me to watch them or find someone else to watch them.
I have had to give them to God. I have talked until I’m blue in the face and done everything in my power to help her and even though she’s almost 28 yrs old she’s still acting like a wild teenager. I was so stressed out my blood pressure was high and I was really at the end of my rope and now, I just pray for her and my grand babies and that he will open his eyes to what being a father is before it’s too late.
She recently started a new relationship and all I can say...
I’m not impressed.
There will never be another guy as good as the one she let go of when she was in high school in my honest opinion and if there is, she will never find him acting like she is now.

Ugh that really stinks. It’s so funny because people so often talk about that first serious relationship as having been the best one. Then someone screwed up and ‘they got away.’ Yet years later they were the best of the lot. Yet- few marry that first one. At Lear in my d ‘s case I can see the live and the depth of it yet I see how basic immaturity , they just simply don’t have the tools, to navigate successfully. And their relationship was extremely mature well beyond Thor years- yet lack of knowing how to focus and do the work gets in the way.
I’m glad you have two great grandkids at least. Does your daughter and the kids live with you? Sounds like the dad is a bum anyhow. How dare he sit and smoke and watch you cook for him. I guess it’s good she didn’t stay with him. Are you allowed to acknowledge to your D that you thought her first bf of 11 yrs ago was the best? Does she get mad or happily reminisce?
Handing it to God is important. But sometimes even when I pray I get scared I’ll be misunderstood. This boy is being mean and so are his friends. He needs to learn to stand up for what he believes in. He doesn’t even stand up for himself. Yet I said I’d love him like a son and although I’m not happy with him I still care deeply and still have faith in their love and ability to work things out. At least I have faith some days some moments and less others.