Hi Skiesabove,Thank you both for replying and sharing your stories. It helps so much to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. Coffeluvr, it hasn't even been a week since my D's breakup, I can't even imagine how you must feel after five years of going through this. I'm so sorry. I completely know what you mean when you say you "miss THEM". I've been doing a lot of thinking these past few days and I've come to a lot of realizations. One of the many reasons I got so wrapped up in the relationship is that I feel that he saw her for the wonderful person she is, he really knew her, and appreciated her all her qualities, and he was very consistent in expressing this admiration to her, and to me. I want that for my D in a partner.
Loreli, the maturity in my case was evident in the way they communicated and respected each other. They also pushed each other in their schoolwork, studied together, and encouraged each other to pursue goals outside of the relationship. They are actually very similar people. I'm so sorry you haven't been able to have contact, it must be really difficult, and I can relate, it's hard to feel as if you have a child of your own out there, and you don't know what's going on with his life.
As I mentioned, I've been doing a lot of thinking in these past few days, trying to come to peace with this, trying to understand why I feel this way, and what to do going forward. While I'm still sad and grieving, I'm not as broken-hearted anymore.
I love my girls with all my heart, but before they were born, for some reason I pictured myself having a boy. Then when I had the girls and I couldn't have any more babies, I told myself, no problem, their significant others will be my boys. That's problem #1, I have expectations. Our family is very close knit and I always told them growing up to chose well because their spouses would be part of our family. Then when this boy showed up, he was so warm, kind, and thought my daughter was the best thing in the world. And they were in love and so respectful to each other, and making plans to go to the same school, marriage, babies. I wasn't necessarily ready for all of that, but I thought, she could be that kind of person, who meets their match early on, and stays with that person for a lifetime, she has that kind of personality. I let myself go along with their plans, telling myself it's ok, I accepted it, and then I started getting excited with her.
As far as crossing boundaries, I'm not sure. If there were any I think they needed to be crossed. I have given her the space and freedom to make all decisions for herself during the relationship, never told her what to do. Because of her age and this being her first relationship, and being long distance, I did have more discussions than a mother of an older child would have, giving her the tools and asking questions to help her think before acting. Towards the end of the relationship, she became closer to us. She has told me a few times in the past month how appreciative she is of having us as parents, after seeing the way his mom treated him, and another friend's parents treat her friend.
Although the first two days I did talk to her about the breakup, and if she was sure, etc, I have now dropped the subject. I told her in the last conversation that I trust her, and my loyalty lies with her. I did respond to his one very sweet text the day after the breakup. I told him that I was praying for him to be happy, and that he'll always have a friend in me if needed, and that I was proud of them for handling it so maturely. He didn't answer after that and I'm going to leave it be. I will continue praying/ quietly sending him good wishes. He still has me in all his social media, Instagram, FB. He deleted all pics of him and D. D has not deleted any pics or changed anything t all. Her default photo is still of them together. She has no plans of dating for the time being, just wants to focus on getting to college, her job, etc. which is very admirable.
Some well meaning friends have told me to keep the boyfriends at a distance in the future but that's not who I am. At the risk of being heart broken over and over, I know I will welcome whomever with open arms and lots of love.
Oh how badly I want to run to a corner read your post and respond. But as lame as it sounds I can’t. Not til the day is over and my kids aren’t around me. It’s my crying and processing time. Look for a response from me this eve.
for now just hang tough. You are NOT alone. I’m here, feeling your pain. Sitting with my D doing school work. She will literally notice my focus and call me out.
a week is rough. It’s ripe and very much an open wound. Sending you virtual hugs....respond all you want. Rant all you want. I will read it all. I want to. I want to help you and it also heals me. Coffeeluvr has so much good to add too. Ugh. I hate it.
talk this eve