Daughter's boyfriend is choking her...need advice please

[drdoolittle]

I think your daughter should dump this guy immediately, at the very least. Even if he says he'll go get help, there's already something wrong in their relationship, that may never go away. If she's afraid that he'll go bonkers if she dumps him, maybe she should move in with you for awhile-----you did say you live quite some distance apart, and that would help her get over him. I think this is a very scary situation.

 

[The Yakima Kid]

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Actually, those who are mentally ill tend to be *less violent* than the general population; however, it seems that people assume such behavior is a result of mental illness when it is usually the result of a conscious choice by someone who is not psychotic. Most individuals who do acts in a "blackout" are usually under the influence of alcohol or drugs - incidentally, violence in psychotic and non-psychotic people is potentiated by the use of alcohol and certain drugs. Some of them are psychopaths, those unfortunates born without a conscience who need to be distinguished from the less malignant sociopaths who are more capable of learning to conform their behavior to the requirements of society.

That said, you need to talk with your daughter very seriously. You need to tell her that she may be in love with him; but that his choking her suggests that he does not love her because he does not value her life.

Will she be going away to college or trade school? I would suggest getting her as far from him as possible after H.S. graduation because he will likely not last in the service.

 

[The Yakima Kid]

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Danger, danger, Will Robinson. Slowly ending a relationship confuses many males. Women who need to leave a relationship need to do so directly. Men consider continuing to see them as either game playing or view it as continuing the relationship. She needs to talk with someone about how to end the relationship who has experience in dealing with women in abusive relationships.

I am not an expert; but my experience a few decades back with trying to slowly end a relationship with a man who became progressively more controlling led to my being stalked for months until he established a new relationship. I was forced to move; I had the same job, so he simply waited near my office building in his car and followed the bus I rode until I got off - I learned this when I came home late one night from being out with friends, and found him parked in front of my new home. I had tried to end it slowly by reducing contact and discussing new activities (not dating, just other things) that were taking the forefront in my life and it didn't work. He saw it as "game playing" and manipulation on my part.

 

[The Yakima Kid]

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Hang on a moment. When he didn't release her he crossed the line. You stated earlier that you grew up with an abusive male in the house and that might color your response. This couple didn't start out with real fight - they were play-wrestling around. He escalated it when he refused to release a chokehold when she tapped out (the "you win" signal in wrestling.) At that point the line was crossed and she need to look elsewhere for a boyfriend.

I don't think anyone should pound on this guy - but I also don't think any woman or girl should be involved with him unless he adjusts his attitude. He sounds like he is controlling; and if he does this while they are only dating it will accelerate if they move in together, get married, etc. This pattern only gets worse unless it is stopped either by therapy; ending the relationship; he realizes this is unacceptable and makes the conscious choice to change his behavior; or he kills her.

 

[joebryant]

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There are some good points made here. Also, it's possible that the daughter is a drama queen; however, if it were my daughter, I'd be VERY concerned about what he did. I'd keep my mouth shut and be very observant when they were together. If anything similar happened again, he'd be in a barrel of trouble that he couldn't get out of. What the parents have to remember is that this guy is possibly their future son-in-law who might never want to see or be around them again after the marriage if they wrongly get overly judgmental, physical, or insulting.

 

[Whispering Winds]

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Excellent advice. I know choke holds is a big deal when wrestling, but when my five now grown kids did it, it was a split second type of hold, not one that made the choked person have to "tap" out . . .getting more info is the best advice yet, because one of my DD's was in a violent relationship for 14 years, and nothing we did or said or tried to convey to her about this not being "normal" behavior went in one ear and out the other. Her little sister would cry and cry and say, "how can you let him do that to you; when we were little you were the one that we did what you asked because you were so rough and tough!!" Broke our hearts, but she finally got wise after 2 daughters and kicked his butt out . . .AFTER she found out he had been having an affair with his brother's wife for TWO years, and no one knew . . .and her ex while a roughie was also quiet and a hard worker. Pays to be aware and on guard. But, I will say this. DH and I have talked about this over the years, and we would have NEVER let it get as far as it did with our DD, but once they are 18 its out of your hands . . .and she turned 18 just a few months after they met, so we were out of the picture after that . . .but if we had known we would have moved heaven and earth to get her away from him BEFORE it went as far as it did. Good luck.

 

[littlefarm_bighappy]

I agree with Redhen. She needs to learn NOW how to deal with abusers. Go after him like hell on wheels.

It could mean the difference between her talkng about the one abusive boyfriend she had as a teenager or a lifetime of battery and broken bones.

And martial arts training means nothing. I'm trained in martial arts; and the first thing they train you to do is STAY OUT OF TROUBLE.

 

[nonseq]

mom'sfolly :

The whole being sweet and charming is something a lot of abusers are very good at. They need to be able to get a victim close and con them into staying. Long ago I rough housed with the guys I dated, it was fun and often lead to not family forum friendly behaviour; however, in no case would any of these guys have held me in a choke hold until I "tapped out". This "tapping out" speaks to serious control issues at the very least. It is a way for him to get her to admit he has control over her. I would feel very concerned in your shoes.

In are in a difficult position with your daughter due to the circumstances; distance, her age, and the long-term nature of the relationship. One good thing is that she can bring this to you, maybe because you are so physically separated. She might know on some level that the situation isn't good. I think getting her to talk to a counselor trained in domestic violence is the best suggestion yet. If she understands the dynamics, maybe she can assess the situation.

Hopefully this is just stupid kid stuff, but my gut says it isn't.

This.​

 

[EweSheep]

All I can say is to report him. At least he can have a track record if anyone wants to investigate his past.

It is unacceptable behavior.

 

[mordarlar]

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I would take it one step further and after meeting alone with my daughter and maybe going over domestic abuse a little more intensively i would meet with BOTH kids and have them BOTH tell me what happened and ask them why it did and how it could be forever avoided. I would explain to the boy EXACTLY what actions i would take, if he ever failed to withdraw himself from harming my daughter and let him know that i would hate to see it come to that. I would explain to my daughter, again and in front of the boy, exactly what my fears and concerns are and tell her AND him that i am always available to talk to. I would also try and get to the heart of the stress the boy is experiencing in his young life and see if i could maybe assist him is getting away from it.

They are still KIDS. Both of them. I disagree with those here saying the police would involve themselves in this. Likely, they would do EXACTLY what i just suggested i myself would do. They would talk to both kids, try to get a sense of what happened and advise.

Again, good luck to the OP. I still believe they handled things very well.