Daughter's boyfriend is choking her...need advice please

[emvickrey]

Find a reason to get him to your house without her. Then, when he arrives, great him with a baseball bat. If, he's really big I would stick my handgun in his face, unloaded of course, and tell him if he EVER lays a hand on her again you won't hesitate to pull the trigger. Well, that's what I would do. The cops around here is like the Dukes Of Hazard. They would slap his wrists and give him a fine. Then proceed to make her feel like an idiot, like it was her fault in the first place.Most people don't press charges because it's useless. We just handle it ourselves.

 

[QuinnP]

if that happened to my daughter they'd be scraping boyfriend off the floor with a putty knife.

ok, probably not, but I'd sure raise hell

 

[michickenwrangler]

Quote:
What you describe could have been ME at 17! In a monogamous relationship since 16, actually engaged before I graduated high school. The guy I was with was older, 25 when we began dating, 27 when I split up with him. He was an alcoholic and would hit me and tried to strangle me once. I didn't struggle, just stared at him. He eventually relented and apologized, leaving big gouge marks in my throat. I left him a week later and had to move to an Indian reservation in northern Michigan to avoid him as he began doing cocaine and threatened my family.

She needs to split up with him, police contacted and she needs to get away for awhile.

If this was our daughter, my military-trained husband, my Big 10 football playing brother and the offensive line of the Oakland Raiders and the Detroit Lions would be after the boyfriend.

Sounds like a stint in army basic training would do the boyfriend some good ... and get HIM out of the state

 

[kristenm1975]

Well, my husband and I are heading out there to meet with both kids. Initially when I said we were coming over and would like to talk to them both about this she freaked out and said it was private and the more I push, the less she'll confide in me in the future. I backed off and gave her some time and the next day she said she and her guy had talked it over and he said he'd like to meet with us and tell us his side of the story so we don't think he's some kind of creep.

I'm thrilled at the way this is heading. It means a lot to me that the boy said he'd like to meet with us. I foresee this going well and I feel a lot better about my daughter's safety. It doesn't mean the issue is erased, but when a person is willing to discuss their mistakes, I feel like there is hope.

Thank you all for your concern and suggestions!

 

[debilorrah]

I only read the first post. I don't really think that games such as WoW have much to do with his behavior, however I do feel his is a person with violent tendencies. She passed out. That is NOT ok. If she stays, she can expect a pattern of abuse that includes harmful behavior followed by extreme remorse. It is the remorse that usually convinces a woman to stay. She CANNOT stay. It will not get better.

 

[michickenwrangler]

Like DebiR said, there's a very good chance he'll repeat this behavior in the future. If she "forgives" him and says it's all right, HE's LEARNED that it's all right. It's not.

This is NOT a private matter. You are her mother and she is your daughter.

Again, I was in that situation, it did not get better, only worse. I am glad I got out when I did.

Remember too that she is a minor and YOU as mother can press charges. Your daughter is young and it may not seem a big deal to her this one instance, but it will not stop with one. I'm also curious what minor things he's done that your daughter is not telling you about. I won't probe into her intimate life, but if she's been with this guy for 2 years, they have probably been physically intimate. Also, both your daughter and her boyfriend may be insecure enough that they don't want to let the other go. I don't know how often they see one another, but if might not be a bad idea if they took a little "break" from one another at the very least.

 

[EweSheep]

Quote:
I am not crazy about the initial response from your dd that she freaked out. I dont care if it is private because as long she lives under your roof, she has to tell someone like her parents if he harmed her. Sure she can have her privacy like phone calls to her friends, gossiping and sharing secrets but there is a limit how FAR she would be entitled to her privacy.

Well if he can talk it over, I would make any suggestions if and when he makes a mark or being verbually abusive, all bets are off and charges WILL be enforced.

As parents, we are the judge and jury and hearing both sides from dd and her boyfriend would be a good idea. Ask some HARD questions. If he can not give a good response or playing "catch me as fast as you can" type of stories, then the decision is yours.

All in all, I hope the young man knows what he is getting into and what kind of repercussions there will be. Also would you think it will be a good idea to discuss this matter to HIS parents as well?

 

[Julie08]

Quote:
I am not crazy about the initial response from your dd that she freaked out. I dont care if it is private because as long she lives under your roof, she has to tell someone like her parents if he harmed her. Sure she can have her privacy like phone calls to her friends, gossiping and sharing secrets but there is a limit how FAR she would be entitled to her privacy.

Well if he can talk it over, I would make any suggestions if and when he makes a mark or being verbually abusive, all bets are off and charges WILL be enforced.

As parents, we are the judge and jury and hearing both sides from dd and her boyfriend would be a good idea. Ask some HARD questions. If he can not give a good response or playing "catch me as fast as you can" type of stories, then the decision is yours.

All in all, I hope the young man knows what he is getting into and what kind of repercussions there will be. Also would you think it will be a good idea to discuss this matter to HIS parents as well?

I dont believe she lives with either of her parents.

 

[SpeckledRoo]

I'd ask the guy which hand he'd like to keep because I'm about to cut off the other one. I don't care if he is a boy friend or a husband, if he abuses my daughter I would bury him.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Quote:
I am not crazy about the initial response from your dd that she freaked out. I dont care if it is private because as long she lives under your roof, she has to tell someone like her parents if he harmed her. Sure she can have her privacy like phone calls to her friends, gossiping and sharing secrets but there is a limit how FAR she would be entitled to her privacy.

Well if he can talk it over, I would make any suggestions if and when he makes a mark or being verbually abusive, all bets are off and charges WILL be enforced.

As parents, we are the judge and jury and hearing both sides from dd and her boyfriend would be a good idea. Ask some HARD questions. If he can not give a good response or playing "catch me as fast as you can" type of stories, then the decision is yours.

All in all, I hope the young man knows what he is getting into and what kind of repercussions there will be. Also would you think it will be a good idea to discuss this matter to HIS parents as well?

I dont believe she lives with either of her parents.

She lives with her father, who does NOT like the boyfriend.

My daughter is nearly 18 and has been in a monogamous relationship with the same guy for two years. We have gotten to know him slowly over the years and have found him to be a shy, quiet, seemingly sweet boy. She lives with her dad across the state so we are not privy to everything that goes on, but she and I have a close relationship, despite the miles, and I feel like I'm getting a pretty good sense of what goes in her life. Her dad is very protective and has never liked this boy. We got our first reason to not like him when she told us a while back that he wants to be a sniper in the army after high school. He also plays World of Warcraft extensively.

The suggestion that they take a break might be a good idea. Perhaps she can move in with mom for an extended visit.​