Daughter's boyfriend is choking her...need advice please

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I think your daughter is fortunate to have such wise parents.
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I understand the drama from teen DD's. Our oldest is living up to "the reputation". However, the remarks that the OP said really concern me. 1st, he is a quiet sweet boy. Ok. 2nd, he loves war games and wants to be a sniper. Not necessarily a problem, but like a poster said, he would probably be weeded out. The 3rd statement that pulls all of this together and puts it in perspective is that "his mother would beat the tar out of him if she found out about this." (sorry if this isn't word for word) That tells me that he might have a problem with women in authority or has the need to be in authority over a woman. Very scary.
 
From the original post - your daughter said they had an argument before the dance, and then started "play" fighting which escalated into him trying to choke her to death.

Now maybe teens have changed since I was a teen but human nature has not. I don't know anyone, in the middle of an arguement, that starts "play" anything - especially fighting. Did they then go on to the dance like nothing ever happened? Was her hair and makeup ruined?

How old is this guy? Is he over 18?

Not that any of this matters. Your daughter knew it was wrong and told both her parents. At this point, neither parent has done anything.

I'm sorry, but "talking" to her and telling her how serious this is, will do nothing - may even drive them closer together. If she told you, she's reaching out for help.

Call the police and press charges. They can investigate and decide if she's just being a "drama queen" or not.

What I see today, is so many parents wanting to be their kids best friend and confidant. That's great - to a point. You must still be, first and foremost, their parent and protect them from harm (from themselves and others). Worry about whether or not she continues to speak to you or brings your grandchildren at Christmas - later.

I watched my much younger half-sister go through this same thing. She was 16 and dating a 21 year old man who, among other things, shot her in the stomach with a pellet gun (pressed it in as deep as he could and pulled the trigger - she still has the pellet lodged near her spine). First she would tell on him and when she had everyone all heated up, then she would make excuses and say they were "playing". I begged my mother to call the police and press charges but she refused. The guy even showed up in their yard and shot out their windows. Still she did nothing. Her excuse was always "she might run away" if we do something. So....what did they do.....They signed for her to legally marry the guy though she was still a minor and paid for a big fancy wedding. Did he change - of course not. He drew a gun one night and pointed it my brother and was going to shoot him (cold stone sober) right in front of my kids and the rest of the family. They are still together after 15 years and the only thing that has changed is my sister lives in fear of him. Had my mother (and step-father) been acting as parents all those years ago this jerk wouldn't be in the family today and my sister wouldn't be living the miserable life she lives. But, hey, she never ran away, in fact she, her husband and their two children have been living with and off of my parents ever since.
 
If you sit down and talk to the BF, PLEASE be aware that if indeed he is a 'typical' batterer, he will be humble, gracious, apologetic ad-nauseum.
Dont fall for it. Watch for subtle signs of him NOT accepting responsibility while being humble, gracious blah blah blah.

'I know it was wrong. I dont know why WE started wrestling' (or whatever they were doing)
'My MEDICATION makes me blah blah blah'
My PARENTS were always/never blah blah blah

Typical batterers tend to morph into whatever they think will work with you to get you on their side and seeing them as the 'good guy'

The 2nd most common MO for a batterer is to wait until after you and DH leave and then he moves inbetween you and DD.
I cant believe that THEY think that THEY can just interfere like that
Are you going to let THEM treat you like a child.

Make sure that DD is aware of this so if he does, she is already on top of it.

I really do hope that you can find a DV progam in your area for her to talk to a counselor or Google 'Domestic Violence Power and Control Wheel'. Its a great tool for bringing things to light.

Best wishes!

Kim
 
Quote:
I think your daughter is fortunate to have such wise parents.
clap.gif


I think you are doing the right thing. If you do stuff that your daughter is against then the next time something happens to her she just wont tell you, which is definitely what you dont want. I know she is a minor but getting involved to much might just push her away seem now the lines of communication are open and that there is a mutual respect keep it that way, support her but don't over power her.

good luck
 
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Hang on a moment. When he didn't release her he crossed the line. You stated earlier that you grew up with an abusive male in the house and that might color your response. This couple didn't start out with real fight - they were play-wrestling around. He escalated it when he refused to release a chokehold when she tapped out (the "you win" signal in wrestling.) At that point the line was crossed.

Yes when he didn't release he crossed a line..but he wasn't feeling the adrenaline rush someone is feeling when the neck muscles get constricted too tightly either. In that scenario a second feels wayyyy too long. As far as coloring my responses...if that were so I'd likely be blaming the boy. I had to take a step back to think about this before my initial response. A knee jerk reaction is often the wrong one. When i thought about it, it didn't make sense that a seemingly well rounded young lady with an amazing support system in place (lucky girl) with FOUR LOVING parents, would still be with this guy if he were harmful. A girl with low self esteem I could see, but it does not sound like this girl struggles with that. Add to that the karate background, strict self discipline in martial arts training, self confidence, etc. Why would an abusive guy even be with a girl bubbling with self confidence? My male parent did not pick a confident girl to victimize, nor did any of his domineering brothers. Something just did not sound right about it. Lines get crossed when kids do not realize the potential of damage. EX:The girl with the way she relayed the whole story and how it would look to her parents, the boy with the way he did not immediately turn her loose and how it made his girlfriend feel potentially threatened. They lack reasoning skills at this age. THAT led me to believe it was all blown out of proportion. Granted I would still be careful, because you never know, but honestly this does not sound like something that was intentional threat on her life. I think the boy just had a duh moment in a really bad circumstance, and it may cost him his girlfriend. Apparently it already cost him some trust. This is just a situation I wouldn't be overly eager to get law enforcement involved. There is a bit of doubt about the details.

I think the OP has made a great decision to go have a chat with him and her. I honestly think that would be the right move to make. Good luck getting through to them...their skulls are pretty thick at that age...BOTH genders
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Personally, I think a "duh moment" that bad should make you lose your girlfriend. Maybe it will be enough to make you think before you do something like that again. If this is just immaturity and lack of experience then the boy is also too immature for a long term relationship. JMHO
 
mom'sfolly :

Personally, I think a "duh moment" that bad should make you lose your girlfriend. Maybe it will be enough to make you think before you do something like that again. If this is just immaturity and lack of experience then the boy is also too immature for a long term relationship. JMHO

I think they BOTH already qualify as too young!
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I think she'll end up without him too. Breaking trust, whether intentional or not, is often the beginning of the end. DD's husband still does a lot of very immature things and he's 20! MID twenties is when the brain completes development of the frontal lobes, and thus reasoning skills...until then..you learn to tolerate some things. I do think this is gonna be a deal breaker for that girl. It's hard to deal with trust issues at a mature age, much less someone as young as she is. Hope things work out for the best either way. I hope the whole situation gets cleared up and relationships stay intact at least with the parents and girl. Things are so touchy with teens!​
 
Quote:
Hang on a moment. When he didn't release her he crossed the line. You stated earlier that you grew up with an abusive male in the house and that might color your response. This couple didn't start out with real fight - they were play-wrestling around. He escalated it when he refused to release a chokehold when she tapped out (the "you win" signal in wrestling.) At that point the line was crossed.

Yes when he didn't release he crossed a line..but he wasn't feeling the adrenaline rush someone is feeling when the neck muscles get constricted too tightly either. In that scenario a second feels wayyyy too long. As far as coloring my responses...if that were so I'd likely be blaming the boy. I had to take a step back to think about this before my initial response. A knee jerk reaction is often the wrong one. When i thought about it, it didn't make sense that a seemingly well rounded young lady with an amazing support system in place (lucky girl) with FOUR LOVING parents, would still be with this guy if he were harmful. A girl with low self esteem I could see, but it does not sound like this girl struggles with that. Add to that the karate background, strict self discipline in martial arts training, self confidence, etc. Why would an abusive guy even be with a girl bubbling with self confidence? My male parent did not pick a confident girl to victimize, nor did any of his domineering brothers. Something just did not sound right about it. Lines get crossed when kids do not realize the potential of damage. EX:The girl with the way she relayed the whole story and how it would look to her parents, the boy with the way he did not immediately turn her loose and how it made his girlfriend feel potentially threatened. They lack reasoning skills at this age. THAT led me to believe it was all blown out of proportion. Granted I would still be careful, because you never know, but honestly this does not sound like something that was intentional threat on her life. I think the boy just had a duh moment in a really bad circumstance, and it may cost him his girlfriend. Apparently it already cost him some trust. This is just a situation I wouldn't be overly eager to get law enforcement involved. There is a bit of doubt about the details.

I think the OP has made a great decision to go have a chat with him and her. I honestly think that would be the right move to make. Good luck getting through to them...their skulls are pretty thick at that age...BOTH genders
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Read the statistics. Battered women come from all socio-economic backgrounds, races, generations etc. It is true that women are MORE likely to be abused if they saw domestic violence in her home and as it is MORE likely for a boy to be an abusive person if he grew up with domestic violence but it isn't required.

We all need to take responsibility for what we do but no matter what is done NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO HIT OR HURT US! She might have started the fight, she might have been annoying the heck out of him but he NEVER had the right to go that far. He did have the right to get out of the car, go for a walk, break up with her, tell her mommy etc but NEVER to hurt her.

My comment before was in response to the girl's excuses for what he did.

As far as the law, they won't do anything. There has to be evidence and she has to be willing to break up with the boy. All that comes before the law gets involved.

Hope this helps.

Dave
 
I AM a statistic.
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50/50 chance this is or is not what is being discussed. However I'm 100% positive what I think, and I do not think it is. You can't just go around claiming every male gendered being is violent, especially a stupid boy, and I AGREE it was stupid...I just don't agree that it was malicious. I think he is just....a stupid boy, who did a stupid thing, and by the time her mom and his mom gets finished with him in the hot seat, I don't think he will repeat his stupid behavior. CHILDREN/Teens this age are ignorant and naive. He likely has not thought a thing about it since.
 

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