Dealing with emotions of a botched kill

[SweetieChicken234]

My guess is it was very quick, and is just playing out in slow motion in your head because it was a bit traumatic for you. Honestly, I don't think us women were biologically designed to kill, it is more traumatic for us because it goes against our biology.

This only gets worse with pregnancy hormones. I thought I had a relatively cool head, when are friends butchered all their rabbits, I was in charge of disemboweling them and sorting out the organs and pulling off the skin. But I couldn't get myself to actually pull the neck in the hook. It felt like trying to breathe in water while in a swimming pool, my entire body was telling me not to do it.

(By the way, I was just trying to do side breathing with the breaststroke in swim class, but my body thought I was trying to breathe water and it refused to cooperate.)

I'm hoping these things get easier every time we do them, but I assume the first few times will evoke a trauma response that is significantly stronger than the experience for biological males, probably for hormonal reasons in the brain chemistry.

My guess is you're having a trauma response just because of the biological resistance in your brain, probably hardwired from thousands of years of evolution. So then you're going to find a reason to be hard on yourself.

From what you said about the swings with the ax, the difference was only probably the chicken died in 15 seconds rather than 3 seconds. And when it's a matter of seconds it may have not even felt it, because sometimes the body goes into shock. I remember reading soldiers memoirs from d-day, your hand would get blown off and they won't even feel it from 30 seconds or so, cuz their body was in shock. So the chicken probably was too, and you gave it a good clean death.

Sorry if this is not comforting or too rambling. I'm just trying to prepare myself for this experience in a couple weeks o_0

This was a really good post actually. I feel like you may be correct on the hormone thing with women. I absolutely hate processing day. I am fast and accurate with the broomstick method. My birds don't suffer. I have to overcome the mental part and it can be hard but I know they won't suffer. I have full confidence in my abilities to make it as easy and fast for the bird as possible. I have some chickens that are pets and will never be processed. I do get attached to my birds, even the ones I eat. I take great care of them and strive to always make sure they don't go short of fees or water or treats. I try to make sure their entire lives from hatch to processing are filled with happiness, grass, sunshine and good food.

Good mention about the soldiers going into shock. I have a pretty serious injury from work. My finger was mangled from getting my wedding ring stuck. I had both rings on.. they had to be cut off in the ER. I never felt a thing! The pictures I have are horrifying. 0 pain.