Death vs. Pass?

[Ninjasquirrel]

Exactly.! How can I help? Do you need anything? Wanna talk?
ANYTHING except I'm sorry for your loss. Why is it MY loss ( shouldn't it be OUR loss?); I'm gonna miss them,.

Heck just having someone bring you a casserole is better than "I'm sorry"

 

[Sally PB]

Why is it MY loss ( shouldn't it be OUR loss?); I'm gonna miss them,.

This is soooo true.

The receiving line at my dad's funeral was looooonnnnng. He'd moved out of state, I didn't know any of his friends or coworkers, and maaaaybe they saw the physical resemblance of me to my dad.

His secretary did say something really nice (personal) to me. She told me she didn't want to take his name plaque off his door when he died, because it felt like he was being replaced.

 

[LaFleche]

To me it seems to be a question of beliefs and sometimes supposed politeness mixed with traditions.

Religious people believing in a life after death, whether it be paradise or near endless recycled life circles as in Hinduism or Buddhism seem to be more inclined to use the 'passing on' as in pass on into another cycle of life wherever that may be.

Atheists and/or people with a rather natural scientific mindset (Darwinists) tend to speak clearly of death, dying etc.

 

[Ninjasquirrel]

To me it seems to be a question of beliefs and sometimes supposed politeness mixed with traditions.

Religious people believing in a life after death, whether it be paradise or near endless recycled life circles as in Hinduism or Buddhism seem to be more inclined to use the 'passing on' as in pass on into another cycle of life wherever that may be.

Atheists and/or people with a rather natural scientific mindset (Darwinists) tend to speak clearly of death, dying etc.

I see it as more avoidance behavior. People dont like to think about death as a finite thing but the truth is...you will die. Its part of life. You will be born and sometime around the road whether you like it or not you will die. Caitlyn Dougherty talks about it a lot on her Ask A Mortician channel. Some cultures have embraced death better than others. I am a Christian and I use the terms dead, dying, gone but in polite conversation I will say passed because I know it makes people uncomfortable

 

[bikerchix]

I'd prefer people say "wow that really sucks. If you need anything let me know. I'm here for you". My mom died 12 years ago and people still tell me "I'm sorry for your loss" if they didnt know about it. It's really annoying because its like "I said I'm sorry even though it wasnt my fault. ARE YOU BETTER NOW? YOU OVER IT?" It makes the grieving person feel so stale and like the words mean nothing when its said over and over and over. "I'm sorry" wont take away the pain of loss but being supportive will

i lost a child over 30 years ago and when i returned to work there were people who would basically turn and run if they saw me. i understood them because there is nothing anyone can say that will ease the pain. i still remember the person who said "well she just needs to get over it". always hoped karma would get her.

 

[Ninjasquirrel]

i lost a child over 30 years ago and when i returned to work there were people who would basically turn and run if they saw me. i understood them because there is nothing anyone can say that will ease the pain. i still remember the person who said "well she just needs to get over it". always hoped karma would get her.

Karma would get her eventually. Some people just dont understand until THEY experience a loss. Everyone grieves differently though. I have an in law that miscarried and she literally didnt tell anyone whereas I had a coworker who miscarried and she wears the baby's ashes around her neck. You cant judge how long someone is going to feel that sadness and you cant force it. You just have to accept them for their emotions and offer help if you can

 

[LaFleche]

i lost a child over 30 years ago and when i returned to work there were people who would basically turn and run if they saw me. i understood them because there is nothing anyone can say that will ease the pain. i still remember the person who said "well she just needs to get over it". always hoped karma would get her.

Yes, as losing a child is the most hurtful thing to happen, people will feel overcharged by having to confront a person that has suffered this tremendous loss.

Lots of us are not equipped to manage such a demanding situation, and because they do not know what to do or say and are afraid to hurt the bereaved even more, they rather escape to avoid it.

 

[Sally PB]

I once told someone that I didn't have any words for him (his beloved dog had died), but I had hugs. He gave me a big hug, and I could feel a hitch in his chest. He whispered "thank you, that's the best thing you could have done."

When there are no words, sometimes a gentle touch is better.

 

[Aapomp831]

To me it seems to be a question of beliefs and sometimes supposed politeness mixed with traditions.

Religious people believing in a life after death, whether it be paradise or near endless recycled life circles as in Hinduism or Buddhism seem to be more inclined to use the 'passing on' as in pass on into another cycle of life wherever that may be.

Atheists and/or people with a rather natural scientific mindset (Darwinists) tend to speak clearly of death, dying etc.

Yup, you beat me to it. I fall into the atheist category, so it’s sometimes difficult to know what to say to religious people when someone they love dies.

 

[deidreg]

Thanks to all of you for this thoughtful conversation. I think it all points back to our culture's discomfort with death. I agree that the Ask a Mortician YouTube channel is a helpful resource.