Death vs. Pass?

[Painted Calls]

Thanks to all of you for this thoughtful conversation. I think it all points back to our culture's discomfort with death. I agree that the Ask a Mortician YouTube channel is a helpful resource.

Love Caitlyn. Her channel and her whole approach is very helpful.

 

[EmmaRainboe]

I say died and dead when I talk about most things that have died, but say "passed" when talking about (this is going to sound stupid for most) a specific chicken I lost. She meant the world to me and just the thought of her causes me to break down in tears even though It's been awhile since her death. I say passed to not activate all the feelings of loss and grief, it doesn't always work, but I feel it helps.

I also say "passed" when talking about other chickens or people I have lost while in a conversation. If I'm in a conversation and I end up talking about someone that has died I say "passed" to avoid them feeling sorry for me or changing the subject to talk to me about those I have lost. I want to just say what I want and get it over with. Not have to hear them shower me in apologies, that doesn't really help.

If I say "died" I find they start to feel sorry for me and just want to focus on that instead of moving on with the conversation.

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[Ninjasquirrel]

Thanks to all of you for this thoughtful conversation. I think it all points back to our culture's discomfort with death. I agree that the Ask a Mortician YouTube channel is a helpful resource.

She also discusses the importance of advanced directives so that the ones you love dont need to argue over what to do with you when you're gone. I love her content

 

[Ninjasquirrel]

I say died and dead when I talk about most things that have died, but say "passed" when talking about (this is going to sound stupid for most) a specific chicken I lost. She meant the world to me and just the thought of her causes me to break down in tears even though It's been awhile since her death. I say passed to not activate all the feelings of loss and grief, it doesn't always work, but I feel it helps.

I also say "passed" when talking about other chickens or people I have lost while in a conversation. If I'm in a conversation and I end up talking about someone that has died I say "passed" to avoid them feeling sorry for me or changing the subject to talk to me about those I have lost. I want to just say what I want and get it over with. Not have to hear them shower me in apologies, that doesn't really help.

If I say "died" I find they start to feel sorry for me and just want to focus on that instead of moving on with the conversation.

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It is very important to consider your words when talking to people in grief. I remember when my fiancees grandfather had a heart attack and we went to be with his mother in the ER. She kept blaming herself for not bringing Christ into his heart and saying that she doesnt want him to die because hes going to Hell. This was her own father, but this was how she was beginning to grieve. I comforted her by telling her that it is God that decides where we go and that just because he didnt believe does not mean that God did not see his intent and how good a person he was. My MIL pretty much hates me, but that day I was there for her at a deep moment of grief and she loved me in that moment. It doesnt matter what you believe or who you believe in. People matter and being there for your common man (or woman or whatever you identify as) matters. Sometimes its about just being polite but most times its about being present.

 

[EmmaRainboe]

It is very important to consider your words when talking to people in grief. I remember when my fiancees grandfather had a heart attack and we went to be with his mother in the ER. She kept blaming herself for not bringing Christ into his heart and saying that she doesnt want him to die because hes going to Hell. This was her own father, but this was how she was beginning to grieve. I comforted her by telling her that it is God that decides where we go and that just because he didnt believe does not mean that God did not see his intent and how good a person he was. My MIL pretty much hates me, but that day I was there for her at a deep moment of grief and she loved me in that moment. It doesnt matter what you believe or who you believe in. People matter and being there for your common man (or woman or whatever you identify as) matters. Sometimes its about just being polite but most times its about being present.

I totally agree.