Devastated!!!

[Sonoran Silkies]

Marriage counselor. Soon.


There's an old country western song about a woman who builds a castle around her man, only to have it fall down because it has become a prison to him.

EVERYONE needs friends, and they can come in either gender. Disallowing your partner to have a friendship and communicate with someone of another gender is controlling behavior, and at best it creates resentment. At worst it drives that person out of the relationship to find someone who will not imprison them. But there is a line between innocent friendship and an involved relationship. Keeping information from you or lying about it is over the line.

As best as I can tell from what the OP has said, this is where it started, but at this point he has behaved inappropriately, and needs to acknowledge his escallation of the problem to one that may or may not include infidelity. It certainly includes a betrayal of the emotional trust spouses place in each other.

 

[arabianequine]

I don't mind him having friends but I don't and he don't do the things he did with her with anyone else male or female and put up such a fight for it. It actually started from the first time that I knew they chatted on fb and he says that was the first time. Words said on both sides were with held from me. I later read it all myself and seen those things. Then it got worse from there with more lieing and hiding and both doing it anyways....and they both knew I did not like it.

He did say last night maybe that is best to get therapy.....so we will see, on that. Hard thing for some guys to think they need or to have them do. He says he needs it and he is the problem....last night.

 

[arabianequine]

Quote:
16 years we been together.

 

[HighNDryFarm]

Quote:
16 years we been together.

16 years was our toughest year.....not anything like this, but we finally got to the point we either were going to divorce of get counseling. It saved our marriage, we're at 32 years now and happy....but reading through this thread, one thing concerns me the most is the lack of trust and your husbands lack of respecting your wishes for him to stop his inappropriate behavior...and it IS inappropriate! It's not a friendship with this woman. I'm glad to hear he wants therapy, that he realizes that this, what sounds like an addiction is not something he can stop on his own. The first thing any therapist would say is that you cannot move forward until he agrees to take the third party out! He needs to give you all his passwords to all his accounts and give you full disclosure...not just read filtered stuff to you!

I don't know you but I'm rooting for your marriage but I'm rooting for YOU first and I pray that you can demand the respect he owes you and your marriage. That you can make decisions on what is best for YOU, not who will do his chores or those financial reasons people are afraid to leave for. If you have children, they need to see what a healthy marriage is....show them. Best of luck to you and your husband, you have great support here on a chicken board....you must have a lot of good people surrounding you.

Just .02 from a stranger....

 

[HorseFeatherz NV]

 

[zzGypsy]

Quote:
this is progress, find someone first thing monday, set up an appointment as soon as you can make it. you guys need the outside leverage, it can make all the difference.
don't be surprised if the therapist suggests that sometimes you should go as a couple, sometimes each of you should go for a private session... it really helps them to help you both.
this is the right thing, go while he's willing, before he changes his mind.

 

[busybecca]

Thank you Ema but I feel I have done the later for the last 2 weeks. He knows but I think he thinks different things at times by what he says really does not make me feel secure or that he is happy here or that he really wants to be here. I feel that he stays cause he does love me and does not want to see either of us hurt and the fact it is easier...and alot to loose. Having a hard time tonight dealing with the messages I get from him.


I am hurting for you - praying for you - this is making me relive my first marriage - as many have suggested here - please go get some counciling from a pastor, etc. He will probably say that you are blowing this out of proportion, etc., but that will just establish that he is steadfastly holding on to this relationship over your marriage, please, PLEASE get yourself going to see someone - Two things can happen: he will join you (maybe not at first - don't be afraid to go alone - show him you are fighting for your marriage) and the two of you will become stronger than ever or 2) your husband will make the biggest mistake of his life and you will be in a safe place to keep yourself together. I pray for option 1.

 

[redhen]

 

[arabianequine]

This sucks....I sure wish I could get counseling.

 

[redhen]

Quote:

Do you have insurance?? You can go by yourself,if he wont go....
I'm here for you, just wish i lived closer...