Did I handle this wrong? :(

[Bex]

Here is a little background: My fiance and I live with my Mother and younger sister who is 12 years old simply because of the economy - my mom would have a hard time, and I KNOW for a fact we probably would not be able to make it right now on our own.

But that's not the point of this post.. This is about my younger sister. She is making the entire household MISERABLE. She acts AWFUL. Worse than I did at her age (and believe me.. I was awful), she throws fits in the stores, hits mom, etc. When dinner is done, my sister sits on the couch and waits for mom to bring it to her. If my sister "needs" my Mom for something instead of going to her, she sits there and yells for her. My mom is still getting my sister's clothes for her each morning for school. Every night they argue about her getting a shower and doing her homework.

I keep telling my mom that she needs to put her foot down.. Stop enabling her.. You would think she had of learned with me.. I do not want my sister to end up like I did; I was pregnant at 13, into self mutilation and all about hated the world. I guess I don't understand why she acts this way, she has always had it good - better than me. She never dealt with rape, abandonment, etc like I did.

The way she acts and makes us feel, makes me EXTREMELY sorry that I treated my mom and family the way I did at her age.

So last night, I was asked to give her money so she could go to the bookfair since my Mom didn't have any extra to give her. I said I would. But then she started throwing a fit. It was 8:30ish. My Mom had been argueing with her for 45ish minutes prior over her homework. Her bedtime is at 9:30.

I went in and said "If you are not finished your homework, found your own PJs, taken a shower and in bed by 9:30 I am not giving you any money." She then started questioning me (mom always goes back on "punishments. I will not.).. "Well what if I'm on my way to bed, WALKING there?" "No. I said in bed." "What if I am brushing my hair, or getting a drink?" "You know what I said. I wont repeat it. In bed by 9:30 or no money for the book fair." I then dropped it, went back to my sewing machine. I figure she knows what I said, she's old enough to understand.

.. She still continued to argue with my mom.. She got upset, cried, wanted mom to do her homework, etc. I made sure mom didn't or else that was an automatic no for me giving her money. I did offer my help with homework - to help her work the problems out - but i was NOT giving her the answers. She even went as far as to hit and kick mom, try and "poke" her with a pencil.

On her last problem she kept asking "Mom, can you draw the lines for this problem? I already know the answer!" "Well, if you know the answer YOU go ahead and do it. You're running out of time."

When she finished her homework she "had" to find her cell phone before her shower - she hid it behind a box so that Mom would have to come help her. I "found" it before they did, and removed the SIM chip so she cannot use the phone. I still have it today and I will not be giving it back until this changes.

Needless to say she was in bed an HOUR late. She went to school WITHOUT my money and WITHOUT her SIM chip for her phone.

Did I do the right thing? I feel kind of.. guilty. But at the same time I wish my Mom had of been like this with me, it would of saved me a LOT of heartache.

 

[Redfeathers]

You did beautifully. You are teaching your sister respect and accountability. You are standing by what you say and having the courage to face her disrespect and anger. Your sister does not respect you mom and that is why she treats her like she does. It's unfortunate, but thank goodness you are there to teach her these important values. Don't give up, you sister will someday thank you for the important lessons.

 

[big greg barker]

I think you did exactly the right thing. If I had been there and seen her whacking your mother, I would have had to whack her myself. That would not have helped, but I would have anyway.
The problem here is your mother has to grow some balls and stand up to this little tyrant. Maybe if you model this behavior, your mother will see that it works and will follow suit. Good luck...........

 

[hypnofrogstevie]

I agree witth refeathers. If you did not do what you did. Your sis may get into worse things down the road. My ex's sis was about the same age as your sis is. She acted the same way. She started doing drugs and having sex with every guy she met. She moved out at 13 and the mom did not care. If you dont back down and you can teach your mom to do the same. Your sis may turn into a changed person.

 

[Buff Hooligans]

Have your mom watch Nanny 911. It usually features toddlers, but in this case, your sister qualifies for that age group!

You are doing the right thing, and are very wise. Too bad your mom can't follow your lead.

 

[Katy]

You did the right thing. What does a 12 year old need her own cell phone for anyway? Especially if money in the household is an issue. Your mother needs to be a mom and not a doormat any longer. I'm glad that you have matured and can be there to help with your younger sister, but your mother is still her mother and she needs to change how she allows your sister to treat her. I'm certainly not in favor of beating a child, but if one of my kids had tried to jab me with a pencil or acted like your sister does to your mom, you can be assured that there would have been a spanking issued. Sounds like there's a long road ahead for your family where your sister is concerned.

 

[Harley's girl]

Good gracious!!!!!
If I ever seen my sister or brother hit my mom.........oh my! I would have laid them out. My sister is 3 years older than me and my brother is 7 years younger. I moved out at 18 and my brother is still at home. I do not care what the age is! I would still knock my brother out if he ever raised a hand to my mother. And I think that if your mom is not going to do anything to stop her then someone needs to! You have seen first hand what it does....you said you got pregnant at 13!!! Goodness, no child should have to go through that! I sure hope you can reach her before it is too late!

Good luck to you!!

 

[FLOWERPOT]

You did great!!!
Stick to your guns and mean what you say, dont argue with her, just told her how it was, and let her face the consequences for her actions ie no bookfair money!!!
Your mom seems overwhelmed and always gave in to her tantrums so she learned to have them and not respect mom because of it.
As long as mom dont mind your helping like that, Actually she probably appreciates it.
You will be a great mom yourself!!

 

[jnjross]

OMG that's my sis,, mom and dad were so hard on me and little sis got everything she ever wanted, now she's a grown mother living at home with her dd and mom and dad are STILL giving her and dd everything she doesn't work and wines and throws fits like a child, she doesn't lift a finger even with her dd, mom does everything cook, wash, etc... they're doing her no favors by continueing to enable this life style..

i got the nerve the other day to tell my dad what i thought , i told him he didn't let me do that and he would never let me do it, even when our house got forclosed after my job went out of business, we moved in a he told me to "get a job in two weeks that's it!" i had to cook, wash, and he didn't give me a penny, we paid our bills with my 401k paid out...

tell mom, how long does she want to keep serving her cause if keeps on she never leave and she'll be doing it till she dies!
she's doing her no favors!!

 

[seismic wonder2]

From a somewhat "harsh" point of view....
You did great. It looks like "mom" gave up, and you are your sister's keeper.

Think things out carefully, If there's a money crunch, Why is a CHILD using a cell phone?

Cable TV? at the first "FIT" cancel the cable...one less bill to pay. Nothing but crap on TV anyway, Listen to the radio.
Won't do the homework? loose the radio too.

It seems she is old enough to EARN things. Like extra money for the school thing.
Probably too young to get a "job" but she can earn money by doing chores around the house or for neighbors etc.... Wash the car for $5.00, clean the chicken coop, doo the laundry etc...

If you are asked to "Give" her money I think it's YOUR money...Make her EARN it!!!

If "Mom" won't teach her how to act, it's up to you.