Do I not have a right to be mad?

[Sonoran Silkies]

Grief is difficult, and people handle it differently. It might help you to talk or write about your feelings, or to join a grief support group. You need to handle it at your own pace and not make any sort of permanent decisions for many months--probably at least a year. Realize that your grandfather and aunt are also grieving. He probably as deeply as you.

If you truly believe that your aunt was merely trying to mediate or communicate between the two of you, next time tell her that she needs to speak only for herself, not for your grandfather. If he has something to say, he needs to say it directly to you. And you also need to tell them both that the things they have said to you while you are in deep mourning and grief for the loss of your mother is excrutiatingly painful. Try to put it in terms where they are the victim and ask how it would make them feel. "Grandpa, if I had come to you when you lost Grandma, and demanded that you give me everything that was hers, how would it make you feel?"

Many people of many faiths have strong religious beliefs about how the body is handled after death, and despite your mother's wishes, he may view cremation as precluding her going to heaven or salvation or ..., so you need to be sensitive to that when you discuss it with him. If/when the subject comes up, ask him WHY he is so adamant about her being buried versus cremated; you can then address his real concern, or put it in perspective for him. Be sure to mention that cremation is what SHE wanted and requested and planned, and that her husband and all her children are in agreement on that. You also need to get your Dad and brothers involved in supporting you. If she left a will or had a living will or living trust many things should be spelled out in them. If she did not, each state has slightly different laws on inheritance and who is considered next of kin. For adults, generally it is the spouse, followed by children.


HUGS

 

[Cetawin]

You, of course, have the right to be upset. Tell your Aunt that the ring was passed to your mother and thus passed to you...per their wishes, and you are keeping it". as for your grandfather...there is little you can do because you are dealing with a man who did not even honor his own wife's wishes when she passed....therefore, do not expect him to understand why you honored your mother's wishes. He cannot understand or accept a simple act of doing what a loved one wishes because he himself is incapable of doing the same. Your grandfather is being very selfish and I would tell him so. Let him know that you have no regrets in doing what your mother wanted and if he chooses to continue snubbing you that the loss is his simply because he is losing a good loving granddaughter and you will be losing a selfish self-absorbed old man from your life. Then move on because there is nothing you can do...only he can realize his error and correct it.

Good luck hon, I know it is hard but you have done the right thing and let no other person tell you differently.

 

[cmjust0]

Quote:
That's because it's already done.

 

[cafarmgirl]

I think that now it is time for you to focus on yourself, the grieving process, and just getting thru each day right now. Do not spend energy worrying about dealing with your grandfather, he either is going to come to grips with this or he's not and he has to make that decision. If he wants to act like you don't exist so be it. I doubt you have the reserves or energy right now to try to change somebody else's viewpoint. You are to be commended for following your mother's wishes.
And, keep the ring. If somebody asks, tell them you are keeping it, end of story.

I am sorry you not only have to deal with the loss of you mother but a family member who doesn't seem to care about her wishes or your feelings.

 

[babylady4]

WOW! Man I am mad reading this. Families get so stupid when people pass away; and do things they would normally not do to each other.

Keep the ring.

Either state your position to Gramps or ignore him until he can get through some of his grieving himself.

Keep venting.

By all means celebrate your mother's LIFE on her birthday, and all of the Holiday's that are coming up. Make her favorite dishes, pass on the traditions of your family or start new ones. Do not focus on the death but her life. Is there a possibilty of starting a scholarship in her memory? Or make a donation to something she was interested in doing? I am thinking of something like a memorial garden or bench in the community... whatever she was involved in.

I commend you for your strength and your resilience; in time it will get better and the sun will shine again.

 

[tonini3059]

Quote:
I did ask him on why she had to be buried and a viewing and all he could just say was "it is not right, it's not right" "your mother didn't know what she was saying" And I even told him to ask any other family member and they will tell you that is what my mom wanted even my aunt the mediator said she heard my mom say it. My oldest brother is 33 and he said he remembers mom saying when he was little for my dad to "Chop her up, throw her in the furnace and toss out the ashes"

Got to love my mom. My brothers and father just say he will get over it, but in the mean time it is not fair for me to be singled out for no apparent reason, they also were in on the getting cremated and I am the youngest so it is not as though I was the oldest making decisions, that is what I totally don't get. He still is on good terms with them, just not me and well I don't know about my he talked to him at the service, but not since

 

[MaggieBeth]

First of all I have not read all of the replies of other members (so sorry if I repeat), but here is my take on the situation.

Something very simular happened to me when both of my parents died (one when I was 18 the other when I was 19) grief brings out the best and worst in families. Trust me I have been there! I would politely decline your aunts request for the ring back. If the ring belonged to your mother then only her children sould inheritate it and if and only if none of her children want the ring then it should be given to other family members. Also you might want to check and see if your mother had a will, in some cases (especially newer wills) items that are of special importants to the person writing the will or people in the family are often listed with very specific instructions as to what should be done with those items. Since I went through a situation very simular to this one I have been much more cautious with my own belongings and wrote my will to be VERY VERY detailed. Although I have completely written on the family members that I had "issues" with I don't know that I would advise doing that. Just know that if you choose to write them off you will be treated much differently by the entire family. For example I wrote off my sister and her husband, because I did that one of my aunts and uncles will not talk to me or my boy friend at all. It seemed like such a great idea when I first thought of it because I was never going to have to talk to my sister again, but it truely causes a lot of hurt and heartache in a family. If I had it to do all over again I would have thought about it a lot more before I made my decision, once you make the choice to write off your family members it seems to be a pretty permanent decision.

 

[Robin'sBrood]

Brandy...

your grandfather's pride is getting in the way and is making him behave like a child. I'm so sorry he is treating you this way... hopefully he will come to his senses soon.

 

[Sonoran Silkies]

Having a will and stating that you have a will so that people know it exists and where it is kept does no require you to make public what it says, particularly if you write people out.

You might want to ask your father or eldest brother to speak with your grandfather and ask him why you are being singled out. It may be that he sees you as the most vulnerable. It could also be that you were the messager who told him about the arrangements? Am I correct in readng that you are the only daughter? Maybe he sees the women as the ones who make those kinds of plans?

If your mother was 53, your grandfather is probably quite elderly, and ideas have changed dramatically in the last 70 or 80 years since he was young as to what is "right" about many things. As people age they sometimes become less amenable to different ideas than what they grew up with (and sometimes exactly the opposite). If it comes up again, I suggest saying something like, "Right or wrong, it's what Mom wanted, and I loved and respected her enough to do what she asked." Another issue might be what was done with her ashes. Were they buried, put in a columbarium, scattered, at home on your mantle, ...? If they are still available, you could consider getting a second urn and giving him a portion of them to bury where he wanted her placed. Lots of people who have lost loved ones visit their graves regularly. That might give him some comfort, and be a compromise you could live with. Of course, it's your Dad & brothers' decision, too.

 

[tonini3059]

I offered him some of the ashes and he said no it wasn't right, so I left it at that. We are keeping her ashes as of now and eventually when we feel it is right we will scatter them under the oak tree that she wanted. They are kept in a really pretty wooden box with a hummingbird on it. My mom loved hummingbirds. I am the least vulnerable of my family I always stand up for myself and my older brothers, my grandma said I was like a pitbull. I honestly believe it was because I was the messenger and at the hospital my dad was talking to my grandfather about what to do whether or not to have a viewing/burial and I said that there is no discussion we are doing what mom wants.