Does anyone have a spouse on disability?

[kla37]

Quote:
I'm totally with you on the gardening thing. I've always loved it, but now it's more of an obsession than a hobby!

That's what got me interested in chickens. It is very therapeutic, and lets me know I'm accomplishing something. My kids love to do it with me, and it's physical. The heat really gets to me in the summer, heat aggravates MS pretty badly, so I get up really early in the summer to do outside things, nap in the afternoon, and do lots of water-related activities with my boys to try to stay cool. Really, trying to avoid the heat, in North Carolina, with 2 boys? My neuro Dr. is crazy if he thinks that is possible! My ex always complained and downed everything I did. He even dug up and killed lots of my plants just because he was in a bad mood, even threatened to kill my dog several times! Anyway, growing things and caring for living creatures is one of the best pick-me-ups I know of, and everyone should try it, even if it's just a few houseplants!

 

[michickenwrangler]

DH is on disability. He slipped on a drill bit and tore the cartilage in his right knee and ruptured 2 discs in his back. He had a scope and was supposed to be back to work in 2 days. The 2 days has turned into 9 1/2 years. He had a knee replacement, the doc sawed off a little too much bone and his gait is even more off kilter. Now he has 9 ruptured discs. He was a workaholic and now suffers from depression and chronic back pain. Because of his back pain, he's had to sell his horse and motorcycle although he has gotten into RC airplanes just for something to do.

He tries to stay busy taking care of the lawn and odds and ends stuff around the house. He's lately been gathering eggs too. Because I work, he also gets to take DD to doctor appointments and things like that so I don't have to take the time off. He usually meets her getting off the bus.

However, I am a little resentful of him since I usually end up having to do most of the stuff around the house. I work, take care of animals and am also expected to do all the housework. He rarely does any but complains that the house is a mess. He tells me I have too much stuff but yet he won't throw anything of his away (his parents are dead so he treats alot of the stuff like relics).

I am a classic Type A personality, I'm competitive and always pushing myself and it irks me that he spends most of the day watching TV and laying on the bed. Even when I am in pain or sick, I'm still expected to be functional to take care of everything. He's also a huge procrastinator.

In his defense, he did remodel our bathroom last year and built a swingset from a kit for DD. He also watches DD when I go compete with my horse or trailer on all day conditioning rides. He enjoys going to our horse awards banquet and does truly like our horse and chickens--especially the cochins. I just wish his back would feel better and he's return to the vibrant, strong ambitious man he was when we first started dating.

 

[QuinnP]

those of us on disability sometimes cant do anything. Sometimes I wake up & I know I will be less than useless. I am not lazy or anything. My hubby complains that I have too much stuff too. Its a family trait--my Dad is a pack rat & so am I. the difference being Dad is an organized pack rat while i am not.

 

[BigPeep]

The faux farm work is very theraputic, I think. The key is that you have to be in the position where you don't HAVE to do anything in particular so you can skip it if you don't feel up to it. It does reconnect you with the natural world which is where we all are programmed to be and, in that sense, the disability can be viewed as a blessing if it gets us back to that.

We all also need a purpose in life. If your purpose is to just be able to raise a few chickens and have some eggs, that may be just what you need. One of my disability clients who has chemical sensitivities has gotten into chickens and now has 100 hens running around his five acre property and sells the eggs from his garage. I think if he couldn't do that he would be much more depressed.
I have suggested that he use that as a marketing tool to justify charging more for his eggs than his neighbor as he has to keep his property free of chemicals due to his sensitivity so his chickens are going to be foraging on organic material.

If you have a spouse with a disability, just let him/her do what they are able to do and don't push them or complain about what they can't do. Don't obsess about things and don't insist on everything being in perfect order. The ability to tolerate a certain amount of disorder is something to be cultivated. Life is messy. (By the way, does "obsessive compulsive" have a hyphen?).

Remember, life is a Journey, not a Destination.

 

[justbugged]

I am the one that has a disability at our house. I have chromic Fibromyalgia at least that is what the docs keep saying this pain is. I don't remember not hurting, but it has gotten progressively worse over the past ten or so years. Anymore i am living most of the time with a pain level of 8 to 10. I have nerve damage in my feet that makes walking very painful. Most of the time doctors look at me and will tell me that it isn't that bad, or look at me like I am drug seeking. I have tried all the new meds on the market and had adverse reactions to them. Antidepressants are the worst. I try them and then realize what true depression really is. I don't need help like that. I like to have a sense of humor. There are many things to do and enjoy still. I have found that I am very self entertaining in spite of everything.

I am also blessed with a husband that has a very good, and well paying job. The only downside is that he has to travel for his job. So I am frequently on my own. I also have no true friends anymore. I still not quite sure why this has happened like this. I know that I put a lot of time and myself into a number of relationships, only to find myself abandoned when I really needed something. I think most of that was my fault for being friends with rather difficult people in the first place.

I know that husband considers me a broken person. At least he blames my parents for that. I know that I can't be that broken and been able to raise two wonderful children. Given how well both kids are doing in life, I remind myself that I have accomplished the greatest thing any parent could very hope to do. We had three kids, and survived keeping our family together in spite of the odds against us. I was told that 78 percent if couples that have a disabled will divorce with-in the first year, and the death of that child raises the odds even higher. So here we are 25 years later still hanging in there. I do wonder though if he stays with me because everyone else has abandoned me, and because he just doesn't want to look like the bad guy in other people’s eyes. He cares about the way things look like very much.

I can't blame him for feeling like he does. I was mentally abused as a child. There was some physical, but most things were just scary, or smiley cruel. That's a weird way to describe it. It was rarely mean when anyone else was around, but behind the scenes I learned to count on the meanness. I have recently learned that most of this is apparently my fault. I still don't know what it is that I am doing, but I am a disturbing influence on most of the people I have known. I still don't understand what I did to make my mother describe me in such negative words. I overheard her describing me to an uncle that I had only met twice, as a dogaholic, and shopaholic. At the time I hadn't been in a mall for years, and I had just adopted my 3rd dog. I have done rescue and foster work with the dogs so maybe that was the problem. I have never asked my parents for any money, but I also wanted to know how to budget better. My mother is the queen of the penny pincher's, but I can remember her saying that even though I was doing all the cooking as a teenager that she couldn't afford to teach me how to do the grocery shopping, because it would bankrupt them.

So here I am trying to take care of the house and animals, realizing that I am not able to do as much as I used to. I sometimes wonder “when will I not be worth it anymore.” I do know that I wish I could do more work. When I take enough meds, and I can get the pain levels down into manageable levels I can get a lot done. I often go without prescription meds for days when I am alone, so that I have a chance at working harder when others are around. I feel that others expect me to work, or that they are angry or frustrated with me. It scares me a little that I know that my value seems to be my ability to work, and not just myself as a human.

I wish I had solutions for you. I do know that it is important to keep trying to find a solution for any health problem. The moment you quite looking, and or stop trying possible solutions, you may as well stop living. There is so much to learn, and so much information becoming available all the time, and that I choose to keep hoping that there will be a treatment for this problem.

As for men that use their disabilities as an excuse for not helping around the house, I call bull pucks on them. There is no reason for a woman to work full-time and not come home to either a clean house or a cooked meal. If they can remodel a bathroom or are able to do a little yard work, then they can unload the dishwasher and put clothes in a washer and dryer. They can also fold clothes. Unless a person is bedridden and or brain dead there is no excuse for them to not be helping in some way. Women whose husbands walk out on them after they become disabled will often still have to care for their homes and children, until I see a guy that is trying that hard, I can't and won't have respect for them. I also wonder why we as women will keep making things easy for them. Caretakers are much more likely to die before the person that they are caring for. My thought is that it is more loving to teach them to be more self sufficient and keeps both of you around a bit longer, than it is to care take and die. What will happen to them if that happens? The good thing is that most men will clean themselves up and find another desperate woman to take care of them. It is like watching parents take care of adult children like they are babies. They think that they are showing their immense love, but in fact all they are doing is making their adult children retarded, and that is not a loving thing to do.

So I think that inside each of us, we really do know what we want to have happen. You just have to find the courage to do it. The other person in the relationship is never going to be happy with you stopping the great thing that they have going. Don’t forget it is working for them just the way things are right now. There will always be others that will say that you aren’t good enough, and or that you are mean and unloving. But inside you will have to find a place where you know that you have done the best you can, and that all anyone can do. The others can stay stuck and unhappy all by themselves if they want to, at least one of you will have a chance at happiness. But what if they are jolted out of their depression and selfishness? Then you will both have a chance at happiness. For me that would be more than worth the chance, and I still love him enough that I would take the risk.

I have learned here on BYC that there are two ways of viewing things. I have watched simple threads become polarized by sides. It seems to be part of what has divided the country politically over the past decade or so. We all want the same things, and yet we have different ways of saying things that seems make the other group inflamed. So I will say that all the thoughts I have written here is been from my point of view. I own it and I will live with it. I do know that I still try hard every day and I for the most part can still keep most of the family of critters alive, and that is the best I can do most days.
I have been trying to qualify for disability payments, and I am still working through, the process. It has been an uphill battle. So far I was told by a judge that I should be able to get a job as a telemarketer, because people in pain are able to do that kind of work. I guess it doesn’t matter that I can’t type very fast and require Office Word in order to type anything that looks half way intelligent. I would love a job. Does anyone know what kind of job that a very slow, can’t stand on their feet, hurts to sit, bathroom issues, kind of a person can do? I am willing to retrain for it.

Oh and I don’t do mornings.

I am willing to clean toilets, but I have never been asked back to any kind of cleaning job. O well I wouldn’t be able to bend of the bowl long enough to get more than one done any way.

 

[chickabator]

My dh has applied for his ss we have not heard anything yet. he has TB then the tb meds caused hepatitis and he has neuroligia (spelling) which has mad him practically unable to walk, he is a bear. It is killing him inside cause he was the bread winner for so long now we live off my disability. not much but pays the bills and thats all that matters. He has went into a depression that I have never seen before but I know God is good and he will send him the help he needs. so I just try to trust him.