I was sent this in an email. I am not going to look it up to see if it really happened or not. It is just to funny.
> I PROMISE, YOU are going to laugh!!
> This is hysterical.. .Read the WHOLE thing
>
> A guy who purchased his lovely wife a Pocket Taser Stun Gun for their
> anniversary submitted this as a 'short' story for his alumni
> newsletter.
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my
> interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
> a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I
came
> across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of
the
> taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on
> your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY
TOO
> COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
>
> I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button.
> Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
> button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same
> time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between
> the prongs.??
>
> AWESOME!!!?
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on
> the face of her microwave!
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking
> on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
> and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood
> moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction
> of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I
> was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
> mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I
> wrong???
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
> and taser in another. The directions said
that a
> one-second burst would shock and
> disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle
> spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
> reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring
> about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
and
> (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
"no
> possible way!"??
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...I'm
> sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a
one-
> second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
> bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of
it.
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...HOLY
> MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! !! I'm pretty sure Hulk
Hogan
> ran in through the side door,
> picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
> over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the
> fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on
> fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body
> in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
>
> The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
> before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it
> again, stupid, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug"
> yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there
is no
> such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not
let
> go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
> thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered
> conservative. SON-OF-A-*%# ... That hurt like **% !!!
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
> mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps,
right
> thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been
> shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
>
> I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward
for
> their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
> threatens me with it!
> I PROMISE, YOU are going to laugh!!
> This is hysterical.. .Read the WHOLE thing
>
> A guy who purchased his lovely wife a Pocket Taser Stun Gun for their
> anniversary submitted this as a 'short' story for his alumni
> newsletter.
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my
> interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
> a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I
came
> across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized taser. The effects of
the
> taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on
> your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY
TOO
> COOL!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
>
> I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button.
> Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
> button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same
> time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth
between
> the prongs.??
>
> AWESOME!!!?
>
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on
> the face of her microwave!
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking
> on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
> and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood
> moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction
> of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But,
if I
> was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
> mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I
> wrong???
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
> and taser in another. The directions said
that a
> one-second burst would shock and
> disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle
> spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
> reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
> batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring
> about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really
and
> (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,
"no
> possible way!"??
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...I'm
> sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
> side as to say, "don't do it dumbass," reasoning that a
one-
> second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
> bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of
it.
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...HOLY
> MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! !! I'm pretty sure Hulk
Hogan
> ran in through the side door,
> picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
> over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the
> fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples
on
> fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my
body
> in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!
>
> The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
> before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it
> again, stupid, do it again!" Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug"
> yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there
is no
> such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not
let
> go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
> thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered
> conservative. SON-OF-A-*%# ... That hurt like **% !!!
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
> surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
> mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps,
right
> thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been
> shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
>
> I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward
for
> their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly
> threatens me with it!
