Don't think my chicks can save me from this...

hello everybody.. not sure if I am allowed to post this or not but I don't have much else place to go to talk.. If this is too.. too.. just delete it. ::sighs:: in my family there have always been struggles with addiction, whatever it might be. well I have an older brother, father of two, who is going through a rough time right now. Or was.. I don't reven know. I was at a school presentation yesterday, and only one of my mom's came to see (have two moms) and that was really weird. So I get through the whole presentation and after my mom brings me to the school office and sits down with me. tells me my brother shot himself. like.. what..?? yes. I heard right. my older brother is in critical condition (all his own fricken doing... sorry.. I am a little shook up and angry and scared). in the hospital. appearently he 'couldn't do it anymore'. so he shot himself. last niught I tried to go to the hospital, but I was walking through this hallway with all these ICU patiants hooked up to all KINDS of crap, most of which already looked dead. Nobody had family visiting, nobody even had flowers or cards. It was dark, and too dang quiet. so i came back home.. and here I am. everybody is at the hospital, but i told them I had to take care of the animals.. man I am just in a flippen state of shock. i feel like I am in a bad dream and can't wake up. tonight we are going out of town to get a motel at the hospital he is moved to (highland in oakland, ca) but i just want to stay in bed ad not go ANYWHERE. im sorr i am kind of.. ugh.. i dont even know how to describe it..

anyway I am sorry if this is too detailed.. or whatever

-morgan

 

thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, for me and my family. i wasnt sure if that would be appropriate to post here, but i really don't have much place else to go heh. ironically my closest friends are drinkers (constant) and i don't drink or anything so i just don't want to be around that right now. i would rather be on my 'chicken board'. is that sad? not that i care either way, i am just glad i have this place for good and bad. thank you all again.. i cant decide what to do, my stomach feels like its about to jump into my mouth, or something. like anxiety or nervousness. they brought us into that dark, dim lit room with the nice couch to tell us he will probably not pull through. he ad a lot of fluid in his chest cavity and they cant tell where blood is coming from yet (this was last night no update yet).

i keep asking myself what if somebody had been here? what if something really little happened like that to change what happened? what if's are the devil.. he had the brains to put my dog/cats away in a far bedroom, i guess in case a bullet ricocheted or something. i just can't understand.. i've felt that feeling before, but never did anything because it would KILL my moms. i mean, does he even realize what is going on in his 14 y/o daughter and 5 y/o son's minds at the moment? how the heck do you explain to a kid, who just went through a horrid divorce, that his dad did this, and may die? i have no clue..

i am sorry, this is venting, if i sound angry or anything i am sorry i am not mad at anybody here of course, just.. venting.