This is long and complicated, I will condense as much as possible. Our oldest grand-daughter has lived with us on and off since she was 2yrs. old Sometimes with her mother(my oldest daughter) and most of the time alone. My DH(2nd) has no children, he inherited my adult and teen children when he moved in.
My daughter D. can be difficult, she thinks that the world revolves around her and everyone is here to cater to her, she has been that way since she was a baby. I didn't think that she should have children because of her attitude, she does not, cannot give unselfishly of or to anyone.
Before her and her boyfriend(DGD father) split up, he had called me twice saying that she had gone out with friends he didn't know last night and still is not home and he needed to go to work, she was not answering her phone. At this time DGD was only a few months old.
My DH and I have taught B.(DGD) everything that parents usually teach their young children-manners, toothbrushing, potty training, tying shoes, eating with silverware, you name it- we taught it. D. actually asked me to potty train B. as it was too much for her to deal with and she didn't have the time, and after all I was good at it, I'd potty trained three kids already.
Everytime B. came back to live with us we had to reteach all her manners and proper behaivior (helping others, eating what is put in front of you, no tantrums to get what you want etc.) She was ALWAYS sick with a cold . All she ate was boxed pasta mixes, corn dogs, sugar cereal, juice boxes, milk, cookies. She was always inside, always only around adults. It wasn't until she started school that she had much contact with other children.
In the middle of kindergarten D. called me and said that she couldn't financially take care of B.,she was losing her truck, her job and her room(she always rented a room from strangers) Of course NONE of this was ANY fault of hers, it was ALL someone elses fault, as usual. She needed for us to take her for a year while she got back on her feet. I told her that I needed to talk to DH. She proceeded to inform me that if we didn't take her then she was putting her in the system, because she would rather do that than them going to a homeless shelter! If we took her then D. could find a place to stay with friends. So needless to say, we took her for a year.
During that year she was off galavanting here and there with her friends, at first she called every night to tell her goodnight, that lasted about 3 wks. then it was once a week for about a month, then it was once or twice a month, them every few months. She came to see her once.
She took her back, and we told her that if we took her again, it would be forever. None of us couold do this anymore, it was tearing us all up. Since B. was about three, she had been wanting our last name, she kept asking. She was always happiest when she was with us.
On our third anniversary we came home to an hysterical message from D. The pplice had come and taken B. to a shelter. She had no idea why, there had been no warning that something like this was coming. She got a call at work from the babysitter. She was able to bring her clothes and her teddy and see her briefly. She wanted us to come get B. so she didn't go into the system. We told her that thhis would be permenant, she could not ever have her back, she said that she understood that, all she was concerned about was that she would have contact and be able to be a part of her life and come see her often, come when she had plays , awards, etc. at school and things.
Well of course we went and got her. D. signed papers that she understood what was going on. We told her that if she got pregnant again that she better be married(OH, you don't have to worry about that, I haven't even dated for two years!) We told her that we would persue child support from both her and the father, we believe that they should not be able to bring this lovely child into the world and just turn their back and go on with their lives as if nothing happened. They need to realize the having a child is a lifetime committment.
Well, come to find out the police and child services had been to her apartment and work three other times, she was told that if they got another call, they would take her away! The police had been called by the landlord and by several tenents all four times. She had been leaving this six year old child alone while she worked! She worked as a trainer/server/management trainee at a nationwide chain of restaraunts AT NIGHT!!! She was leaving her in the apartment telling her not to make any noise, don't open the door, don't turn on the lights, keep the t.v. low. We could just imagine what this little girl went through, hearing people walking by the apartment, people knocking at the door, hearing scary sound. They had no phone so if there had been an emergency, she could not have called anyone. This had been going on for SIX months. She and B.were telling me stories about her babysitter when there was no babysitter. She had even left her for the weekend a couple of times while her and her friends went to concerts!!
When we had sent B. back to her mother, she had been a very confident brave little girl always ready to try anything, she had not slept with the light on for the whole time she ahd lived with us last. When we picked he up, she had no confidence left, she was afraid of everything,she needed the light on and was afraid to be in her room alone. She needed to know where around the house we were at all times and was constantly asking if we were going to leave her alone.
In school we were having emotional/ behavior problems with her, I was getting calls almost every day. Her mother came to see her two months after we got her, she came about 5P.M. stayed overnight and left about 8A.M. so her and a friend could go to a weekend concert! She next came to see her on her birthday one month later. She had talked on the phone to her three times since we had gotten her.
At the time we went and got her we had been remodeling our house to sell and looking for one out of the city. We moved in Dec. D. couldn't come for Christmas, she talked to her Christmas morning. The next call was mother's Day, the next one was B.'s birthday in the fall! She wanted to come see our place and spend the day with her. She said that she would be here early, we waited, and waited, about 11:40 we got a call, oh I'm running late, I couldn't find the presents that I wanted to get B. yesterday, so I still have to go shopping.(She still doesn't get it that B. would rather spend time with her than get presents) She showed up at almost 5:00!! She did stay for dinner though and left at 7:30!! So much for spending the day with her.
During this time we had been in court fro guardianship, the court granted us full permenant guardainship, they deemed the parents to be unfit. As our lawyer put it, they can't get her back if they bacame Jesus!
The next time we heard from her was Christmas eve. She called to say that she couldn't make it for Christmas(We had no idea she was thinking of coming) but that she had all of her presents and she would send them right after christmas. She had been out of town on business and had let her apartment lease lapse, so she was staying on a friend couch, AGAIN. She said she had some news , I'M PREGNANT!! I told her I was sorry(she didn't get that I ment for the baby) and asked her what she was going to do. "Keep it of course! I thought you would be happy for me"
I told her that this would crushB. and that I didn't want her to see her. She didn't ever send the presents that were all ready. She didn't call her. So in the middle of january, I called and left a message, she wouldn't answer her phone. I told her that we thought it best that she had no more contact with B. D. had only called three times that last year and one was not to talk to B. She didn't ever write or anything, so this wasn't going to be much different than what was already happening. Evertime she did have contact we would have behavoir problems withB. for two weeks.
Since there has been no contact, she doesn't have problems in school, she has brought her grades up and gotten on the A honor roll this term , She is more confident, outgoing, HAPPY, smiling,adventurous once again!
My mother has contact with D. (at least someone in the family does) In July she had TWIN boys!! She is not allowed to give me any info, but she says that D. is being taken care of. What??? is she someones mistress, what does that mean, she's being taken care of??
Last weekend, she was a little upset, but wouldn't tell us why, she said I can't tell you. Which of course put us on edge as to why. I turns out that she missis her mother. She doesn't want anything but email and letter contact for now, and then take it from there. She doesn't trust her at all. All this time the state is still trying to get her to pay support. We had told the father that no living up to your resposibilities with support, no contact. We told the same thing to D. We have seen none from her. If we let B. have contact then we must tell her about the babies, we feel that it is our responsibility to do that. We are afraid that if she know about the babies(she has always wanted siblings) then she will overlook all the things that her mother did and the negative feelings about her just because of the babies. We are afraid the D. will hurt her again, she is strong and tuff, but at the same time fragile. She still won't tell us all that went on while she was with D. last time. D is still and always will be my daughter, but I have such bad feelings about her because of what she did, and I feel sorry for these babies. We have kept away from any info about them or pics or anything, we felt that if we did know more about them then if/when they got taken away also, we would have no choice but to take them also. We have no room and cannot afford more. D.'s sister has no contact for the same reason, she already has three of her own and cannot take on another two. That my sound cruel or unfeeling. I know several granparents whose children keep having babies and giving them to granma/grandpa. They know that they will always take them. It's like drug addicts and alcoholics you can't enable them. It has to stop somewhere.
I'm just looking for unbiased opinions I don't want this little girl hurt anymore. I'm afraid that if she find out that her mother couldn't/wouldn't take care of her properly and now she went and had twins. She will worry about them constantly, are the same things happening to them? If not what did I do that made me deserve that? Did she replace me? B. is the world to us and we don't want her hurt from her mother anymore,she can't handle it.
Sorry this is soooo very long. I hope it isn't too mean sounding, D. hurt me also, I did not raise her like this!!
Thanks for any help.MOnica
My daughter D. can be difficult, she thinks that the world revolves around her and everyone is here to cater to her, she has been that way since she was a baby. I didn't think that she should have children because of her attitude, she does not, cannot give unselfishly of or to anyone.
Before her and her boyfriend(DGD father) split up, he had called me twice saying that she had gone out with friends he didn't know last night and still is not home and he needed to go to work, she was not answering her phone. At this time DGD was only a few months old.
My DH and I have taught B.(DGD) everything that parents usually teach their young children-manners, toothbrushing, potty training, tying shoes, eating with silverware, you name it- we taught it. D. actually asked me to potty train B. as it was too much for her to deal with and she didn't have the time, and after all I was good at it, I'd potty trained three kids already.
Everytime B. came back to live with us we had to reteach all her manners and proper behaivior (helping others, eating what is put in front of you, no tantrums to get what you want etc.) She was ALWAYS sick with a cold . All she ate was boxed pasta mixes, corn dogs, sugar cereal, juice boxes, milk, cookies. She was always inside, always only around adults. It wasn't until she started school that she had much contact with other children.
In the middle of kindergarten D. called me and said that she couldn't financially take care of B.,she was losing her truck, her job and her room(she always rented a room from strangers) Of course NONE of this was ANY fault of hers, it was ALL someone elses fault, as usual. She needed for us to take her for a year while she got back on her feet. I told her that I needed to talk to DH. She proceeded to inform me that if we didn't take her then she was putting her in the system, because she would rather do that than them going to a homeless shelter! If we took her then D. could find a place to stay with friends. So needless to say, we took her for a year.
During that year she was off galavanting here and there with her friends, at first she called every night to tell her goodnight, that lasted about 3 wks. then it was once a week for about a month, then it was once or twice a month, them every few months. She came to see her once.
She took her back, and we told her that if we took her again, it would be forever. None of us couold do this anymore, it was tearing us all up. Since B. was about three, she had been wanting our last name, she kept asking. She was always happiest when she was with us.
On our third anniversary we came home to an hysterical message from D. The pplice had come and taken B. to a shelter. She had no idea why, there had been no warning that something like this was coming. She got a call at work from the babysitter. She was able to bring her clothes and her teddy and see her briefly. She wanted us to come get B. so she didn't go into the system. We told her that thhis would be permenant, she could not ever have her back, she said that she understood that, all she was concerned about was that she would have contact and be able to be a part of her life and come see her often, come when she had plays , awards, etc. at school and things.
Well of course we went and got her. D. signed papers that she understood what was going on. We told her that if she got pregnant again that she better be married(OH, you don't have to worry about that, I haven't even dated for two years!) We told her that we would persue child support from both her and the father, we believe that they should not be able to bring this lovely child into the world and just turn their back and go on with their lives as if nothing happened. They need to realize the having a child is a lifetime committment.
Well, come to find out the police and child services had been to her apartment and work three other times, she was told that if they got another call, they would take her away! The police had been called by the landlord and by several tenents all four times. She had been leaving this six year old child alone while she worked! She worked as a trainer/server/management trainee at a nationwide chain of restaraunts AT NIGHT!!! She was leaving her in the apartment telling her not to make any noise, don't open the door, don't turn on the lights, keep the t.v. low. We could just imagine what this little girl went through, hearing people walking by the apartment, people knocking at the door, hearing scary sound. They had no phone so if there had been an emergency, she could not have called anyone. This had been going on for SIX months. She and B.were telling me stories about her babysitter when there was no babysitter. She had even left her for the weekend a couple of times while her and her friends went to concerts!!
When we had sent B. back to her mother, she had been a very confident brave little girl always ready to try anything, she had not slept with the light on for the whole time she ahd lived with us last. When we picked he up, she had no confidence left, she was afraid of everything,she needed the light on and was afraid to be in her room alone. She needed to know where around the house we were at all times and was constantly asking if we were going to leave her alone.
In school we were having emotional/ behavior problems with her, I was getting calls almost every day. Her mother came to see her two months after we got her, she came about 5P.M. stayed overnight and left about 8A.M. so her and a friend could go to a weekend concert! She next came to see her on her birthday one month later. She had talked on the phone to her three times since we had gotten her.
At the time we went and got her we had been remodeling our house to sell and looking for one out of the city. We moved in Dec. D. couldn't come for Christmas, she talked to her Christmas morning. The next call was mother's Day, the next one was B.'s birthday in the fall! She wanted to come see our place and spend the day with her. She said that she would be here early, we waited, and waited, about 11:40 we got a call, oh I'm running late, I couldn't find the presents that I wanted to get B. yesterday, so I still have to go shopping.(She still doesn't get it that B. would rather spend time with her than get presents) She showed up at almost 5:00!! She did stay for dinner though and left at 7:30!! So much for spending the day with her.
During this time we had been in court fro guardianship, the court granted us full permenant guardainship, they deemed the parents to be unfit. As our lawyer put it, they can't get her back if they bacame Jesus!
The next time we heard from her was Christmas eve. She called to say that she couldn't make it for Christmas(We had no idea she was thinking of coming) but that she had all of her presents and she would send them right after christmas. She had been out of town on business and had let her apartment lease lapse, so she was staying on a friend couch, AGAIN. She said she had some news , I'M PREGNANT!! I told her I was sorry(she didn't get that I ment for the baby) and asked her what she was going to do. "Keep it of course! I thought you would be happy for me"
I told her that this would crushB. and that I didn't want her to see her. She didn't ever send the presents that were all ready. She didn't call her. So in the middle of january, I called and left a message, she wouldn't answer her phone. I told her that we thought it best that she had no more contact with B. D. had only called three times that last year and one was not to talk to B. She didn't ever write or anything, so this wasn't going to be much different than what was already happening. Evertime she did have contact we would have behavoir problems withB. for two weeks.
Since there has been no contact, she doesn't have problems in school, she has brought her grades up and gotten on the A honor roll this term , She is more confident, outgoing, HAPPY, smiling,adventurous once again!
My mother has contact with D. (at least someone in the family does) In July she had TWIN boys!! She is not allowed to give me any info, but she says that D. is being taken care of. What??? is she someones mistress, what does that mean, she's being taken care of??
Last weekend, she was a little upset, but wouldn't tell us why, she said I can't tell you. Which of course put us on edge as to why. I turns out that she missis her mother. She doesn't want anything but email and letter contact for now, and then take it from there. She doesn't trust her at all. All this time the state is still trying to get her to pay support. We had told the father that no living up to your resposibilities with support, no contact. We told the same thing to D. We have seen none from her. If we let B. have contact then we must tell her about the babies, we feel that it is our responsibility to do that. We are afraid that if she know about the babies(she has always wanted siblings) then she will overlook all the things that her mother did and the negative feelings about her just because of the babies. We are afraid the D. will hurt her again, she is strong and tuff, but at the same time fragile. She still won't tell us all that went on while she was with D. last time. D is still and always will be my daughter, but I have such bad feelings about her because of what she did, and I feel sorry for these babies. We have kept away from any info about them or pics or anything, we felt that if we did know more about them then if/when they got taken away also, we would have no choice but to take them also. We have no room and cannot afford more. D.'s sister has no contact for the same reason, she already has three of her own and cannot take on another two. That my sound cruel or unfeeling. I know several granparents whose children keep having babies and giving them to granma/grandpa. They know that they will always take them. It's like drug addicts and alcoholics you can't enable them. It has to stop somewhere.
I'm just looking for unbiased opinions I don't want this little girl hurt anymore. I'm afraid that if she find out that her mother couldn't/wouldn't take care of her properly and now she went and had twins. She will worry about them constantly, are the same things happening to them? If not what did I do that made me deserve that? Did she replace me? B. is the world to us and we don't want her hurt from her mother anymore,she can't handle it.
Sorry this is soooo very long. I hope it isn't too mean sounding, D. hurt me also, I did not raise her like this!!
Thanks for any help.MOnica
