family problem, need unbiased opinions, please(long)

[gritsar]

I'm sorry you are having such a horrible time of it. My daughter recently put me through the worst time of my life and as a result I have basically disowned her. If and when she wakes up and realizes I did the best I could by her, she better be ready to admit that to me.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice to give, except protect your granddaughter at all cost.
My older sister is raising her two young grandsons after their father (her son) and his drug addicted girlfriend proved unfit. She (my sister) belongs to a internet group that is all about grandparents raising grandkids and I know that she gets alot of support, legal help, and comfort from them. This group is very active in getting laws passed that give grandparents more rights, etc. I could contact her and get the web address for you if you'd like?
I will be thinking of you and wishing the best for your situation.
Blessings, Kat

 

[Windy Ridge]

What a heartbreaking story. It would be very difficult to know what to do in this situation.

Like the others who have chimed in here, I would be concerned for the twins. It will be difficult for your granddaughter to confront, but your daughter has demonstrated she can't take care of anyone else. Imagine how much more difficult it is to take care of twin infants than it is to take care of a single school-aged child. Even that, she couldn't manage.

I'm also with those who think honesty is the best policy. it would be worse, IMO, to keep it from her. You may see if you can try to arrange legal visitation between her and her brothers without her mother there. If her mother works, perhaps you can arrange for them to meet while they're at the sitters or at daycare--I HOPE they're being looked after by someone while she's working!

If your granddaughter knows you are trying to fight for her rights to have a relationship with her brothers, and your daughter opposes it, I doubt she would overlook what her mother did. I doubt she would do that in any case. If her mother opposes the visitation, it will hurt her, of course, but there's no real way around that. It's either accept the fact that her mother has hurt her, or run the risk of her blaming you for keeping the knowledge of her siblings from her.

On the other hand, if her mother does show signs of being reasonable and accommodating and lets you set up visits between the three, she'll be able to have a relationship with her brothers. That would be a good thing.

 

[Buff Hooligans]

If you tell your granddaughter about the twin brothers, make sure she understands that not all children come by purposeful choice. She may think that she wasn't good enough as a daughter, so her mom purposely went out and got two other kids that she loves more.

May God bless you and your family. And give you whatever peace can be found in such a difficult situation.

 

[mlheran]

Rather than her wanting to be part of the new family or being excited at having siblings, I think your granddaughter may finally feel/realize that her mother has no real interest in her. I was in much the same position as your DGD, and when my mother and her husband had a son when I was 10 it was clear that she wanted to push the past behind her and start a new life; they were a complete unit and I was the odd part that didn't quite fit. (The truly tragic part of it is that she/they concieved my half-brother under the false hope that the baby would save their crumbling marriage -it didn't, and he had to grow up with them already at odds.)

The main bright point in all of it was that I had my grandparents from the start -my mother and I lived with them after I was born, and after my mom married we all moved next-door to them. When things were bad at home (or when they didn't want to deal with me) I went next-door and experienced all the wonderful blessings that you are showering your DGD with. Eventually things got so bad at home that I "ran away" next-door at age 15 and never went back (sadly, my mom died when I was 17 and shortly thereafter her husband took off with my half-brother out of state so my grandparents couldn't get custody). But I can honestly say, that without the love, shelter, and upbringing my grandparents gave me I wouldn't be the person I am today -well, I give them all the credit for my good traits.

Ack, sorry for rambling! I think my main feeling is that your DGD should know what her mother is up to -it WILL be hard on you all, but as long as she is shown the love and care that she so needs and deserves she will understand that family is more about those who care about you than a direct blood-link.

Oh, and try your best not to badmouth her mother around her -if you talk about her mother like you do in your post that will be fine. She needs to know that what her mother has been doing is not right or smart, but not in a derogatory way. Remember, "little pictures have big eyes and ears." One of the hardest things I had to deal with growing up was the shame I felt about my folks when I overheard people gossiping about my mother and her husband.

But above all, continue with the love, love, LOVE!

 

[hsm5grls]

One of the hardest things I had to deal with growing up was the shame I felt about my folks when I overheard people gossiping about my mother and her husband.

I dealt with the same thing. It is hard to hear bad things about your parents. It is hard for a child not to internalize that kind of stuff and above all it is hard to hear bad things about someone you love. Regardless of what happened when I was a kid, who was wrong and who was right I loved my parents and it hurt to hear bad things about them even if the things that were said were true.​

 

[LynnGrigg]

Perhaps I shouldn't post. I have a daughter who has been difficult. I have a grandchild who I wouldn't trade for anything in heaven or earth. My daughter has done some growing up over the past few years but I swear I'd have taken my grandchild in if it had been necessary. Fortunately it was not. Your daughter's attitude and lack of responsibility makes me mad. Humans with that kind of attitude shouldn't be allowed to breed. I feel for you. I think your grand daughter is in the best place she can be with you and your husband. I do think the grand daughter should know about her brothers. I think you should continue to care for the DGD but personally I would have let my daughter know as soon as she had informed me that she was expecting again that I would not be caring for anymore children. ... How dare she state that she thought you would be happy for her when you had been taking care of her first child all along! Was it not a blinding glimpse of the obvious that she had SCREWED UP ...AGAIN??!!.What is it in that equation that should equal happiness on your end?! I've been the rounds with my daughter. It isn't easy.
Hey my kids are still screwing up. All of us do from time to time. Hopefully we learn from our mistakes. It's easier to learn a lesson if you have to pay some consequences. If you continue to raise DDs children, she's never going to learn. There are lots of couples out there who can't conceive a child, financially and emotionally stable couples yearning to give a child a good home and love them. I came very close to alerting social services a time or two over my daughter. Although I would have taken my (now 8 year old) GD, my own daughter has not been foolish enough to get pregnant with another child. She has grown up, she's a wonderful mom now and I'm very proud of her. Good luck and always be truthful with your grandchild.

 

[wegotchickens]

I agree with Skeeter: Get some counseling, either through school or church recommendations. And then be honest with her. It's critical that she know she can trust you. Not just for you to tell her things you don't want to say, but to answer any questions she has no matter how painful it is for you.

 

[silkiechicken]

I say let your GD know about siblings and her mom. That way you continue a path of open communication with her, so that she will share things with you in the future rather than trying to hide things. Communication is a two way street and the best you can do is be honest to her so she learns to be honest with you. Even though she is young, try to explain things to her even if you don't think she understands. She'll grow up with those thoughts and as an adult, can understand the choices that were made and what not to do.

I have an acquaintance who's mom is doing the same thing you are. Only difference, is she is raising 4 grand kids, three from one daughter, and one from the other daughter. Both daughters got into bad relationships, and just plain went down the wrong paths. My acquaintance is the one with the one kid, and I heard about the kid when I saw her mom at the store a good while back. Haven't talked to my acquaintance in about 4 years and I could see from her mom the toll it has taken on her. Still live and well, but showing the stress from lugging around 4 kids at the store, the second time in her life.

Best of luck.

 

[tink]

Quote:
I completely agree with this......I think the most important thing is that you are honest with her. In the long run That is what hse will hold on to.

And go talk with someone.....you and her......maybe even together...
Tink

 

[CarlaRiggs]

I agree.... let your granddaughter know what is going on.
If you aren't honest with her, she'll begin to suspect you of keeping her in the dark. Letting her know, before hearing it from others, will help her to trust you. This is laying a foundation for her teenage years.
You've also got to be upfront about the fact that your daughter is a flake. I'm assuming that drugs are involved; they generally are in one way or another. This is another fact of life your granddaughter should know~drugs have a tendency to stop the emotional maturity of the user. These users will be adults, still acting like 15 year old kids.
Pretty sad.
Make sure that your granddaughter can come to you with any questions she may have, and build those bonds of trust and respect now. Everybody wants their mothers to love them. Your granddaughter has those natural feelings, also. And it's hard to give them up. When she's older, she'll understand more about her mother. Let her establish a relationship with her brothers, if she can. Give her as normal a family life as possible.
She will bless you and be so appreciative as she becomes older.

I have nine children.

Everyone of them good kids, bless their hearts.... I just can't imagine the heartache you're going through with this.
God bless you.