family problem, need unbiased opinions, please(long)

[arlee453]

I agree that she should know about her half siblings. She already knows her mom is a flake, even a little kids isn't THAT blind.

You just need to present it in a loving way, and let her know you are there for her and will always be there to help her grow and mature into a wonderful adult.

With your help, she will.

Also I second the counseling thing - my son is seeing someone every 2 weeks now after his hospitalization earlier this fall with anxiety. It has really helped him and I feel like the counselor, his teacher and DH and I are all like a big safety net for him as he goes forth to battle against the issues he has to face.

It helps too that we are all in constant contact to present a unified them to our advice.

God bless you for providing a safe and stable home for your G'daugher.

 

[cknmom]

Thank you, everyone that has responded

I spaced on some of the things that I should have mentioned. B. is 9yrs.old. There are is drugs or alcohol problem involved.D. doesn't smoke, she drinks sometimes, and she did some drugs as a teen, but not since(that I know of).With dealing with the state child support department, I had notified them of her being pregnant and they said that nothing can be done unless she neglects them or something also. It's just like being stalked or threatened, nothing can be done unless something happens

Through the CSD I learned that she had quit her job and moved out of state, they won't tell me where. I just hope that she is with a man that is taking care or making sure she takes care of the boys.

We try to talk civilly about D. It is VERY hard for DH to do.
We always try to be honest with her, this is the only thing that we haven't been. We stress honesty in our home. B. used to lie a lot, she was so used to doing it with her mother and listening to her mother do it constantly.

Kat- That website would be good, I have tried to find a decent one that helped GP, but have not been able to find a good one.

We have thought about counseling and had decided to wait a couple more years and see if she needs it. We have good conversations the three of us. So far we have been able to help her through things, we just feel that she will need it more as she becomes a teen. The state will pay for a few sessions since they consider her to be a crime victim. Our insurance right now will not pay for mental health unless you have mental illness, or of course a drug or alcohol problem. Once again you have to wait until there is a problem before you can find help.

I am so glad so many people posted, I have no one around to discuss this with, We always knew what we had to do, I just wanted outside opinions.
Thank you all so very much
Monica

 

[BarbK]

First of all ((((((hugs))))))

I agree with everyone else about telling her.

I wish we could "fix" people just like we do animals!!!!

 

[gritsar]

Not trying to get this thread bumped up, but..
Monica, did you get that link I e-mailed you? In case you didn't, it's www.grandsplace.org
Best wishes!

 

[schmoo]

The people here have given you some great advice. I just wanted to say you are doing a wonderful thing for your GD.
I read your story and sank in my seat. I can not fathom not caring about your own child. It seems like instinct to me. I can't imagine why she would have more children. I am so sorry you have to go throught this heartache and frustration. Kiss your GD and know you are her angel.

 

[cknmom]

gritsar-Kat-Yes I did get the email, thank you so much. I was going to get back to youo later. I don't have time today to check it out, tomorrow it's off to mom's, Fri. it's hang out with MIL, so it will have to be Sat. But I certainly will check it out. Thank your sister for me please.

Monica

You all have lifted a great weight off of my shoulders. I have felt like such a horrible mother and person through all of this. My DH is great but, with how he feels about D. and since he has no children he just can't understand why I just can't write her off and be done with it, so I can't talk with him about it much. Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! I will now.

Monica

 

[Chirpy]

I'm just seeing this post and just want to say that my DH and I have been a foster home for 11 1/2 yrs. We have tons of experience from the foster home side to many situations just like yours. (One baby girl we had for several months came from the same type of situation you are experiencing. Her maternal grandparents thought they were done raising kids and were ready to retire and 'live the life'. The year before their daughter had a baby girl and the baby ended up with these grandparents. Then, one year later this new baby girl was born and given to us until the County could decide what to do with her. The grandparents didn't think they could possibly take in a newborn with a one year old but after a couple of months they decided they needed to keep the sisters together and did take her. Oh - to make things more interesting. Both babies are blind!

You should not blame yourself for your daughter's choices. Children can be raised in the best home only to go "out into the world" and fall apart. There are so many things/people trying to destroy our young people. Our children have to grow up and make their own decisions. It's just so hard when babies/children are involved.

In foster care there are times to tell things to children and times not to. It is not lying to a child not to tell them something. They may not be able to handle the info at that point in their life. Many children just aren't old enough/mature enough to handle some information. You have to make the decision on whether B can 'handle' knowing now about her 1/2 brothers. Or, if she should be older. Never, ever lie to a child but sometimes just not giving information right now is the better solution. I could give lots of examples (we have adopted five of our foster children - some have 1/2 siblings and they aren't ready to hear about those siblings yet). We have collected as much info as possible and as each child is mature enough (which will be at different ages) will give them info about their birth families then. Nine yrs. old would be old enough for some children and could be helpful for some, it might terribly hurt other children to hear that.

I will say that I agree with your decision not to have contact with your daughter at this point. Although I know it can work out, we have never (personally) seen it go well when adopted children have contact with birth parents. We have seen it to be very beneficial for those children to have contact with other family members - especially siblings who are not in the same home. Although that's not always the case either.

Every situation is different, every child is different. I also agree that you should consider finding a "good" counselor who can help you talk through and process all that is happening. Your asking for opinions here was great - outsiders can so often see things or think of things that we can't when we are in the middle of it. Getting hooked up with a grandparents raising grandkids group would likely be a wonderful help to you. They are in it and can understand like no one else can.

We will also be praying for you, your DH and B as there will be other difficult decisions to make in the coming years. If you have specific questions or want other info that I might be able to offer please let me know.

Remember that what I've said is coming from a foster home perspective - B was so close to being in foster care and her situation so 'typical' of foster children that I just wanted to give these thoughts.

Sorry - one more comment. Actually little kids are that blind when it comes to their mommies and daddies. We've seen so many horrendous things happen to children and yet they will not or cannot believe their parent would do it again - even if it happened every day of their life. A child pulled from a home where they were sexually or physically abused every single day of their young life will cry to go back to that situation because it is all that they know... or because they've been told they deserve it. They believe it.

 

[purplebaby]

just a quick note of support :aww

and like every one else... honesty helps alot. i grew up with an alcoholic father who beat my mother and hit us. in some ways it was a relief when she made him leave, but in others it was hard. my mom always was honest when we asked questions but never volunteered things esp negative ones. not living in a small town i still heard about what he was doing and other difficult things, but i knew i could always ask mom. this is my childhood.

when i got married at 27, i married a emotionally abusive man, had 2 children with him. he drove me to the brink of suicide, and i needed help. he drove away my family my friends etc. i did manage with the help of my mom and left him. i dont regret the children, i love themmwith all of my being. they are the reason i am here today. i only regret the fact that he is still in their lives. he has pushed them to limits that i have had to have cps and the courts step in yet they still let him have visits.

i am recovered from him (mostly)and remarried to a wonderful man. we decided not to have any more children as to give the 2 we have all the love and support we can. i work with emotionally disturbed teens as a teacher in a small residential school, their stories make me cry. YET they still wonder if only....

the point of this is that .... honesty is best but in SMALL doses at a time. we tend in general to feel we have to be completely open but sometimes that is not what the child really wants or needs. it does not have to be all or nothing. you should find someone you trust and work out your feelings and then you can be ready for hers.

sorry i meant to be brief

please if i can help in any way let me know. i truly feel for you. this too shall pass, is the only thing gets me thru some days

 

[SpottedCrow]

I have nothing to add, but just lots of hugs and prayers.
And this community is just great.