Fattie's big fat RANT

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Respectfully, there is a difference between smothering a spouse with kindness and having the courage to break a cycle. Relationships are all different, but most problems start slow, with no corrections through communications or clarifications of guidelines. What I shared was based not on physical abuse, nor did I indicate emotional abuse. It is left to the reader to identify. Perhaps this started with emotional distancing. One partner backbiting of laziness, emotional distancing, claiming that the other spouse is nagging, the other complaining that sports, fishing, work, whatever takes presidence over their own needs. Perhaps they shut down emotionally. Maybe he's got a beer gut or smokes, her drug of choice is food. They don't have time for each other, and if they do, all they do is pick on each other. She sees herself through his eyes, and disagrees. He sees himself through her eyes and disagrees although not much is said. But body language says it all.

It isn't smothering one with kindness in this care, but daring to break out, invest in what they had. I find it distateful and wrong for you to post that if one were to post such an opinion suggests that there is no experience of the writer to gleam from. Long story short, my Mother was sexually and physically abused by her biological father since she was in her early teens. I was in a relationship of abuse for three years before having the courage to leave. My husband of 40 years is not physically abusive, and only since signs of depression set in (and my threats to leave him unless getting care, and demanding a change of medication, along with relearning proper ways to stay in a healthy relationship) have this changed. On the flip side, I have encouraged my sister to leave a damaging relationship when her husband became violent, unstable.

There are many documented cycles of relationships, and I think the key is to not exclude what led the now healthy relationships to be what they are now. I think that there is a minority of relationships (long termed) that haven't gone through rough periods before struggling through with hope. This isn't a rosey fantasy, but realistic challenge. Also, should we also dump into this those whom are battling life illnesses or those recovering from accidents? I have a cousin whom nearly died after being hit in the face by a wave runner going full speed. At the time, he was on a popular major league ball team. Has a stunningly beautiful wife. Over six months to stablize enough to go home, his recovery was very bleak. Never regain use of his arms, then move by himself, stand, take a step. His wife pushed him like crazy. He'd get frustrated and words would fly. Over three years, but she would never give up. He now gets around with a cane. Or how about my Mom when Alzheimers started stealing everything from her? At times, she was exceptionally mean, violent. Yet her husband stuck it out, out of love.

Again, I would NEVER advocate doing such when violence, or within normal circumstances, emotional or phycological abuse is present. It is easy, especially on the web, to stand in judgement without knowing the whole situation or even the inflections of voice. We can offer hope, practical hope without resorting to extremes when responding to what we read of what is shared.
 
Wow, i just came upon this thread, and have only read the first couple of pages.  So I may have missed some stuff, but going by the original post I have got to say the overreactions of some people is kind of concerning to me.  If my husband had said that, I would not have slapped him, I would not have stormed out, or some of the other things that were mentioned.  I would have been very angry yes, and I would have told him  to please never talk to me that way again.  I would have told him and his daughter if they were going to be mean, I will leave.  If after that they still didn't stop...then I would have said I am leaving.  If hubby didn't come with me, I would leave the car there for them and call a friend to come get me.

When hubby and I were alone, I would read him the riot act, and tell him people who live in glass houses should not throw stones!


Wow, and i would be concerned at your underreaction... to each their own. What YOU are willing to accept in your life is only your business... and what others are willing to accept in THEIR lives in only their business. It in NO way means they "overreacted"....
 
Now, what would I have done? Honestly, think I would have monitored my actions very carefully so not to include bystanders whom were currently as embarassed as me...and teach my daughter a valuable lesson of respecting ones self:

Slowly stood up, picked up my glass of water, dumped it on my hubby to cool him down, ordered a desert to go, taken it to the car and driven home by myself. If hubby tried to hot foot it in following, or the desert took too much time, I'd get to the car first, and take my time going home, stopping to order my fav desert. I'd then take in a movie after leaving a short message or text that I won't be home right away. Give him time to immediatly consider the words, tone and attitude he was trying to push and embarass me over. Maybe see two movies. When home, I'd be very clear that I DID NOT want to talk about anything for a while. I would later (after the fact) let him know (by showing him a copy) of a letter of apology I sent to the restaurant along with a generous tip, explaining that my hubby was a public embarassment to me, lacked manners and had no concern over other peoples feelings. In the letter, I would promise never to show up at the establishment again until he could prove he gave a d!@N about someone besides himself. I would sign my real name, give my real address. Make him accountable....
 
Quote: Selling a book? Who is selling a book here? I merely see a recommendation.

I just read this whole thread, and am really surprised at some of the reactions. In my opinion, this minister is giving great advice, and the books he suggested are excellent books!

Good luck, whatever you decide to do, Funky Feathers..... I wish you well.
 
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Well redhen, like I said I didn't read the whole thing, But I think Slapping someone on the face and grabbing the keys and leaving them and their daughter in a restaurant because they called me a fatass is really overreacting.
That is just me, I don't like to cause a scene and air my dirty laundry in public!
I prefer to handle it in private without an audience.


Also to your statement that how they react is their business. Well it may be their business, but they are posting it on a public forum. I am not butting into their private lives, they are putting it out there for me to read and comment on.
 
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Like I said, its overreacting to YOU....not to me..
Don't be so quick to judge others... just because you would react differently than others...that's all I was saying, because YOU stated that "peoples overreactions are concerning to you.."
You should have kept your comments directly relating to what YOU would do, not start out by critizing others on here...


ETA: Anyway, we can just agree to disagree, its no biggie ..:)
 
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Funky Feathers, two things:

1) I am so sorry that you had to put up with your husband saying something like that to you, especially in a public place and that he set a horribly bad example for his daughter.

2) I am also sorry that you have to put up with a few comments on this thread that may be just as inconsiderate.

That being said, everyone that is your friend on here has offered their support in the matter and I will offer mine as well. I don't know what I would have done, had I been in your situation, but I hope that someday soon your husband will realize what he did wrong and make amends. I'd really hate to see something like this destroy a marriage. I think the best thing you can do is try counseling, as others have stated. Maybe your husband needs someone else to tell him that he was being rude. I know from personal experience (since my husband and I are both overweight) that sometimes I lash out at him for doing something dumb (health-wise) because I have done that same thing repeatedly. I'm not lashing out at him because he did it, I'm lashing out at him because I don't want him to turn into me and make the same mistakes I have made. I see him as my better half, but if he makes the same mistakes I do how can I make myself his better half? I'm sorry, I know that probably doesn't make any sense to you. My point is that even though your husband was totally rude and in the wrong, there's always a reason behind things like this. Maybe he was taking it out on you because he feels that way about himself. But instead of admitting that to anyone, he'd rather make someone else feel miserable with him. Does that make any sense at all? So anyway, that was my two cents, and it is JUST an opinion so I hope nobody feels like I'm trying to be all wise and philosophical or anything. I really do hope that your husband comes to his senses and apologizes. :)
 
He did apologize. all is fine now. I think we are done here b/c now it is just everyone bashing each other about what they said or how they said it. TOPIC CLOSED. Time for this discussion to be over. Thanks everyone.
 
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