forgiving myself is sometimes the hardest

[Starlight 451]

I'm not very proud of person I used to be. I was really quite scheming and selfish I didn't mean to be but I was always before proud and sometimes jealous. I learned the hard way to try harder to be a better person and I think I did a fairly good job. I have a lot of good friends now and my family is less angry with me. but I still feel bad about the people I hurt before. A lot of the things that they said about me were what made me realize that I had to change. They used to be upset but now I notice that they are a lot happier now after I decided to clean my act up. I understand that there are many people who would never want to talk to me again because of who I used to be but I still feel bad.

 

[Beekissed]

Maybe you would feel better if you could tell those people you are sorry and have changed. I've always stressed the importance of saying you are sorry to my kids and tried to set a good example for them at home....and now I'm trying to practice that on these forums. It's coming easier.

I think you will find that both you and the person to which you apologize can start to heal if you just tell them you are sorry.

I'm so glad you are making positive changes....we could all stand to do that more each day.

ETA: I'm not very proud of some of the things I've done in my past either. It took me a long time to forgive myself and I only got there when I realized that God had forgiven me and that it was okay to forgive myself.

 

[BrattishTaz]

Well, congratulations on making a change for the better.

Many people never realize they are going in the wrong direction and even fewer have the courage to change it once they do. Learn from your experiences, make amends if possible, and go on to live a better life.

 

[sheaviance1]

I think we all can probably say the same thing about ourselves. I tell my children that life feels more like a series of small deaths and rebirths. I have changed so much from who I used to be that I don't even recognize that person as myself anymore.

 

[Starlight 451]

Thank you all for the encouragement and positive words. I have apologized to those I can still reach so I think that they at least know I have changed. there are few though who I have tried and failed to get ahold of though I do want them to know that they helped me to become a better person. maybe I am not as innocently happy as I was before I started thinking about other people too but I am at least pleased that I may be now making a positive difference in other people's lives instead of a negative one. I hope that one day they can know, however it is that the message gets to them.

 

[zzGypsy]

its a tough thing to turn your life around... and if we've behaved badly, sometimes it's hard to let go of feeling shame or guilt.
like most of us, you probably have more things to learn, seems we're never really done learning.

a couple of things for you to think about.

apologize if you can (sounds like you've done that).

make ammends if you can... put things right. if you said something bad about a person, find a way to build their reputation. if you negelected someone, find a way to do something they need.

if you can't make ammends to the people you behaved badly with, do something for someone else instead. if you didn't take care of something you should have, find a way to help some other person who needs the care you can provide.

once you've put right all you can, and made ammends to the person wounded, or someone in their stead, that'll help some of it.

the rest you have to consider this: if you feel guilty, if you feel shame, what use does that serve? does it keep you from doing that sort of thing again? if you've truly learned, you don't need that guilt or shame to keep you on the straight and narrow... if that's the case, you can let it go. if you still need it a little longer to keep you true, maybe it's not time to let it go just yet. but perhaps you don't need to be quite so punnishing of yourself.

if you've learned, and don't need the guilt to keep you straight, then the purpose it serves is to punish you for having behaved badly... if you punish yourself past the need, it holds you back, keeps you from growing. think of it like this... if you have a dog that pees in the house, and you teach it to go outside instead, what good does continuing to punish the dog do? it makes it fearful and withdrawn or mean. it doesn't make it happy and useful and willing. at some point letting go of punishing guilt and shame will free up energy for you to be wonderful to those around you.

so if you still need your guilt and shame to keep you on the path, maybe there's more work yet to do on changing your life. and if you don't need it to keep you on track, maybe it's time to let it go so you can be more loving in the world.

 

[chickened]

He who loves much IS forgiven much.

 

[sourland]

Forgive yourself and move forward. Do not forget the past. Use it as a memory of that place to which you will never return. Congratulations on 'getting your act together.' You are not alone. There are a lot of us imperfect people in this world.

 

[QuinnP]

write a letter to those you have wronged, but dont mail it. Pour out all your feelings into that letter. maybe that would help.

 

[Starlight 451]

Thank you all.

zzGypsy I don't know what I can do to repay what I did wrong. A lot of these people refuse to be anywhere near me now, and others have moved I have no way of finding them. I try to do what I can for other people, I know that many are thankful when I am kind to them. it is certainly a better path that I've taken rather than letting people down all the time. I was very close to some of them I suppose I am still getting over losing their friendship. It hurts when I see that they are still close but do not want anything to do with me anymore. I know everything is my fault and I brought this on myself.