Foster Parents/ Adoption

[nayeli]

@Alice28 Well its great for me because hopefully they will work well with me from now on I find it horrible that I need to contact the governors office to get results when I contacted DHS over a month ago. I mean not everyone would contact the governor and I almost didn't because I didn't want different treatment, to be either penalized or put at the top of the list I just want the system improved for everyone.

 

[pinusresinosa]

Ugh. I'm going to be frank here.

First, let me begin by telling you both that I was a foster child and an adoptee.

You are not doing the state a favor by offering to open your home to a child who needs one, regardless if they compensate you or not, or work with you to your bidding and whatnot. You are doing this for the CHILD. You're well off of the path of having the right heart and mind going into this if you're unwilling to work with the system and make the best of what it is.

If you've just bought a house, are looking to buy a car, going to school, just had a baby.. how do you think you'll be able to juggle the extensive needs that a displaced and possibly severely abused and possibly handicapped child will bring? Especially when you've barely been on this planet long enough yourself? I was placed into homes that were overtaxed. The parents didn't have the skills to parent me in the ways that I needed at the time. Not only did I live with over-taxed and overwhelmed parents, in some homes I was abused, physically and emotionally. It's taken me over 20 years to get past much of what the foster care system did to me- the abuse hasn't been as hard as what some of the other foster homes where I was an unmanageable burden to get over. And I was just a child. I have finally stopped blaming myself for them. You do NOT want to do that- and if you're not properly prepared, stable, and mature you WILL do that to a child. All it takes is ONE meltdown on your part and it will be like stabbing that child in the chest. It's just as painful and takes a LONG time to go away. In many cases for many kids, it never goes away.

I am now a parent myself. I've been to college. I've made a life for myself, which is rare for kids who went through what I did. Please listen to my perspective and experience. I can tell by this conversation that you should really rethink your desire to be a foster parent. I'm not telling you this on any personal level. I just don't want to see more kids get hurt- too many of them already do.

 

[Delight in Dominiques]

Ugh. I'm going to be frank here.

First, let me begin by telling you both that I was a foster child and an adoptee.

You are not doing the state a favor by offering to open your home to a child who needs one, regardless if they compensate you or not, or work with you to your bidding and whatnot. You are doing this for the CHILD. You're well off of the path of having the right heart and mind going into this if you're unwilling to work with the system and make the best of what it is.

If you've just bought a house, are looking to buy a car, going to school, just had a baby.. how do you think you'll be able to juggle the extensive needs that a displaced and possibly severely abused and possibly handicapped child will bring? Especially when you've barely been on this planet long enough yourself? I was placed into homes that were overtaxed. The parents didn't have the skills to parent me in the ways that I needed at the time. Not only did I live with over-taxed and overwhelmed parents, in some homes I was abused, physically and emotionally. It's taken me over 20 years to get past much of what the foster care system did to me- the abuse hasn't been as hard as what some of the other foster homes where I was an unmanageable burden to get over. And I was just a child. I have finally stopped blaming myself for them. You do NOT want to do that- and if you're not properly prepared, stable, and mature you WILL do that to a child. All it takes is ONE meltdown on your part and it will be like stabbing that child in the chest. It's just as painful and takes a LONG time to go away. In many cases for many kids, it never goes away.

I am now a parent myself. I've been to college. I've made a life for myself, which is rare for kids who went through what I did. Please listen to my perspective and experience. I can tell by this conversation that you should really rethink your desire to be a foster parent. I'm not telling you this on any personal level. I just don't want to see more kids get hurt- too many of them already do.

. Very well said. Foster and adoption is a 24/7 job, These children don't just bring a bag of clothes and some toys to your doorstep, they bring a lifetime of pain and trauma. And the first thing they want to see from you is... Are you really strong enough to handle me and the walls that I have built around me. They will fight you every second of every day to keep from letting you in. It takes specialized training and there will always be the chance that this child will never love you. It is sad but this is the reality that has too be expected and understood. Only when you understand what the child has gone through and only then you will understand why they react the way they do. Then you can cry with them. That is what it takes for the child to heal.

 

[pinusresinosa]

. Very well said. Foster and adoption is a 24/7 job, These children don't just bring a bag of clothes and some toys to your doorstep, they bring a lifetime of pain and trauma. And the first thing they want to see from you is... Are you really strong enough to handle me and the walls that I have built around me. They will fight you every second of every day to keep from letting you in. It takes specialized training and there will always be the chance that this child will never love you. It is sad but this is the reality that has too be expected and understood. Only when you understand what the child has gone through and only then you will understand why they react the way they do. Then you can cry with them. That is what it takes for the child to heal.

You do what it takes. When you don't, you're doing more harm than good. I did better in group homes and shelters than I did in some of my foster homes.

Doing what it takes means missing work for court cases. Missing work for meetings with case workers. Opening up your home in every aspect for state scrutiny.

Foster kids won't be grateful to you for taking them in, and why should they be? They won't consider themselves lucky. They won't look up to you. And if you do what many of my foster parents did and blame the kid for that, you're going to destroy them. So is this about you fulfilling some need and dreamy ideal? Or are you really in it for the child?

As a kid I was so hungry for love and parents that I'd try to attach quickly and had my heart broken over and over again because I wasn't their own kid. I actually still struggle with some lingering effects of this today.

 

[Alice28]

Ugh. I'm going to be frank here.

First, let me begin by telling you both that I was a foster child and an adoptee.

You are not doing the state a favor by offering to open your home to a child who needs one, regardless if they compensate you or not, or work with you to your bidding and whatnot. You are doing this for the CHILD. You're well off of the path of having the right heart and mind going into this if you're unwilling to work with the system and make the best of what it is.

If you've just bought a house, are looking to buy a car, going to school, just had a baby.. how do you think you'll be able to juggle the extensive needs that a displaced and possibly severely abused and possibly handicapped child will bring? Especially when you've barely been on this planet long enough yourself? I was placed into homes that were overtaxed. The parents didn't have the skills to parent me in the ways that I needed at the time. Not only did I live with over-taxed and overwhelmed parents, in some homes I was abused, physically and emotionally. It's taken me over 20 years to get past much of what the foster care system did to me- the abuse hasn't been as hard as what some of the other foster homes where I was an unmanageable burden to get over. And I was just a child. I have finally stopped blaming myself for them. You do NOT want to do that- and if you're not properly prepared, stable, and mature you WILL do that to a child. All it takes is ONE meltdown on your part and it will be like stabbing that child in the chest. It's just as painful and takes a LONG time to go away. In many cases for many kids, it never goes away.

I am now a parent myself. I've been to college. I've made a life for myself, which is rare for kids who went through what I did. Please listen to my perspective and experience. I can tell by this conversation that you should really rethink your desire to be a foster parent. I'm not telling you this on any personal level. I just don't want to see more kids get hurt- too many of them already do.

Although I appreciate that you are giving your insight, I would remind you that a few posts you read online doesn't give you much insight into the people who you are labeling unfit. Obviously foster care is something you think about and the state makes it so you can't rush into it. There are a lot of steps to take.... much more then when you were in foster care. Having worked in group homes for six years, I'm pretty well informed about EXACTLY what I'm getting into. Including all the state bs that comes with. I know how hard it is on the kids, because I've seen it (although haven't felt it as the child), most foster family's already have children. It's a gift to everyone that they want to bring in another child to there family that needs a home instead of just having more. I'm a little confused about the statement about being too young, if that was directed at me, I would say pretty sure I never said my age and I haven't been called young for awhile now. We have to do tons if classes still before we are ready to foster and have to wait for a few months for them to become available, but we will be doing them. My family has lots of adopted members, foster care was always in my plans. Some people are a lot more informed about things then you can glean from a few posts and there are many "young" people who do great with foster care because they hae the energy to deal with everything that comes with.
Also, I don't know why anyone would do foster care for money. You don't get very much. It's something you do because you want to adopt or help a child. If someone wants money they should get another job.... fostering gives enough to cover some costs, but not much! We would do it for free.
And as a side note, although you have experience as a foster child, it doesn't sound like you do as a foster parent. I will tell you, the process is very stressful and will remind you as humans, we vent about stressful things. Not being called back for months is stressful! Having pages and pages of regulations.... stressful, the cost of getting everything exactly to some government officials liking..... you guessed it.... STRESSFUL! And someone saying something is stressful makes them honest, not an unfit parent. We were in a big group for orientation and were the only couple all three people who spoke were trying to get as all ready that day! So obviously three people with tons of years of expierence (more then seeing a few posts) thought we were VERY fit to become foster parents.
You obviously have had a very hard time dealing with foster care. This is the reason they have changes things so homes like the ones you had bad expierences in don't get approved for foster care. I would ask that you don't project your bad situation into others. You read a few posts and your expierence distorted them. And I will also say the foster care system does need parents and especially good parents who want the children. My state would deffinitly disagree with you on the state not "needing the foster parents". The children in the system also need parents who want them and have the energy, time and patients to work with the child through anything they have experienced in there short lives. We all have had struggles in life. Sometimes we need to take a step back and actully read what someone is saying and not project are own expierences onto others.

 

[nayeli]

@Alice28 I assume that was directed at me given this bit "If you've just bought a house, are looking to buy a car, going to school, just had a baby.. how do you think you'll be able to juggle the extensive needs that a displaced and possibly severely abused and possibly handicapped child will bring?".

@pinusresinosa as Alice said you clearly are projecting on your image of who I might be rather than what is. I have just bought a house which means any child I bring here will have stability, I'm not sure why you would think that is a negative thing. We have a privacy fence around our back yard and live in an area with no through traffic and that is family oriented. We also bought here because the 2nd best schools in the area are here.
I actually already bought the car. We put 1/2 down so we owe less than 10k and its a brand new SAFE car, meaning I won't have to worry about it breaking down or needing to buy a new car after the baby comes. In fact it might be fully paid off by that time, since the money I make at work just goes towards it...

My husband and I ensured when we were house hunting that we found a house that fit our needs and was BELOW budget, so we could afford for me to stay at home!

I am still in school, you got me on that one. I go two to three days a week, and I may even continue working but switch it to part time (2 days a week)... I mean the horror of being a working or college parent right?

I have NEVER had a baby. I have had two miscarriages however, and just was told by a fertility specialist that there is no reason I am not conceiving.

How do I plan on juggling the extensive needs of blah blah? I don't, as simple as that. We are only fostering under 18 months and we can say yes or no depending on the case, so we don't have to take handicapped children. We will get the sleepness nights, the crying, probably non stop from some drug addicted babies. We won't however get anything we can't handle.

As @Alice28 said, we have EVERY right to be angry with systems that are flawed, congested, and slow. Those systems hurt thousands of children. Did you know in AR kids spend an average of 30 months in foster care AFTER their parents have had their rights terminated? Do you not think that is too long? Cause I do, and there are plenty of people out there who want to adopt them and probably would have if they had been presented the chance.

I'm not trying to be rude to you, but how dare you judge my ability to parent!? You don't even know me, and would you tell someone in my situation who was pregnant that they weren't "fit" to be a parent because they didn't like the birth process, or because they wanted the opposite gender etc?

 

[Alice28]

I think the last sentence posted says it all "I actully still struggle with some lingering effects of this today."
That's a very honest statement. Like I said, we all have things to work through and there are times we have to step back and realize it's wrong to put are experiences/ issues onto others. I think everyone can find a time they were guilty of that. I sure have been! I can absolutely help a child learn not to judge someone they don't know by a post they read.


Nayeli, did you find out the time when orientation starts yet? The three speakers were so wonderful at ares! Extreamly helpful. One had been a foster parent and adopted her daughter through foster care (she had biological children and might have been told she was "young" at the time too). Her insight was very helpful and like I said, they all tried to get us signed up that day. We told them this was the first step we've taken and still had to do the classes and trainings. But we have the first step done.

 

[Rhandi74]

I have 7 wonderfully amazing adopted children and was a foster parent to all of them. When I went through the classes I was 21. I had just bought a new home. My first foster child was reunited with her Mom and I was very happy for them both. Her Mom was a great person that made a mistake and will probably remember it the rest of her life because it took 2 years of her relationship with her daughter from her and caused her and her daughter a lot of pain. The second child was placed with my first foster child and she was 5 years old. She was not diagnosed handicapped but she had many many issues from the 12 months she spent in foster care and 6 previous homes she was in, before us. She is now adopted and my amazing teenage daughter who has autism and many other diagnosises. I was young and inexperienced but I was determined to help every child who came into my home. I think it is very sad to be discouraging people from becoming foster parents, the people you are discouraging could be a great home, regardless of there situation. The state is supposed to weed out the bad homes, though I do know they don't always get it right. My children are not perfect and some have many problems from their past but I love them no matter what. I work with the schools and doctors in helping them be as successful as they can. A new Mother is inexperienced and can give birth to a child with problems but they gain experience through raising them.

 

[Alice28]

@Rhandi74 thank you for posting. What a beautiful story to share. I agree with you 100%. Although I read every book, had babysat since I was 10, my mom had a daycare during my childhood and I had worked in group home, it didn't make me an expert when I had my son. No parent is. I don't expect to know everything about foster care either, but just like I do everyday now, I wake up with one goal.... To be the best mom I can be that day! Some days are hard, some days are amazing.... most are amazing my son will be an amazing big brother when the time is right to adopt. And my family has never made anyone feel different because of DNA. I don't care, my family doesn't care. Every child deserves to be loved.
Also, I would never let an uninformed stranger make me "re think" my choice to do foster care. A bad experience and rash judgment can make people say things without thinking.

 

[nayeli]

I think the last sentence posted says it all "I actully still struggle with some lingering effects of this today."
That's a very honest statement. Like I said, we all have things to work through and there are times we have to step back and realize it's wrong to put are experiences/ issues onto others. I think everyone can find a time they were guilty of that. I sure have been! I can absolutely help a child learn not to judge someone they don't know by a post they read.


Nayeli, did you find out the time when orientation starts yet? The three speakers were so wonderful at ares! Extreamly helpful. One had been a foster parent and adopted her daughter through foster care (she had biological children and might have been told she was "young" at the time too). Her insight was very helpful and like I said, they all tried to get us signed up that day. We told them this was the first step we've taken and still had to do the classes and trainings. But we have the first step done.

I did. The class is next Saturday at 6 but I'm not sure if hubby can attend with me due to being military and having to work (it is ALOT harder to get out of). He is asking off anyway but since online the class said it was tuesday and we just found out they changed the dates he doesn't have the time in advance to ask off as is protocal. I will definately be going though =) I am hoping to learn more about the process and it would be lovely to connect with someone local who is a foster or adoptive parent!

I'm excited for you! I know the process is long and trying but first step accomplished!

I've already bought a crib! I have also decided on nursery furniture. Other than a crib I'm getting a organic mattress as they have tied offgassing to SIDS... then I'm getting one of these http://www.walmart.com/ip/ClosetMaid-Cubeicals-9-Cube-Organizer-Espresso/22301288. It will look cute and I can use it to store clothes, diapers, toys, and books then put a changing pad on top if I want one. I might also get a closet system like this http://www.walmart.com/ip/Delta-48-Piece-Nursery-Storage-Set-Beige/15161886. Who knows =) I do know I'll save alot of money on bedding since that is another SIDS risk.

I'm thinking of doing trees on the walls like this https://www.etsy.com/listing/190178...age=5&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery
I want to try to draw and paint it since it is kind of expensive and I am thinking of doing 2! I also think it would be easier to do than this one http://zween.wordpress.com/2012/05/29/a-whimsical-diy-tree-decal-for-the-nursery/#comment-1103

I've also bought a few baby clothes for boys and girls in different sizes just in case they come with nothing... I bought those a while ago on clearance!

I'm also thinking of subscribing to some parenting magazines =)