friendectomy

[rancher hicks]

Quote:
These types of things have caused me to be insecure. I always wonder when someone is talking about someone else what do they say about me when I'm the "other" person. So I try to be good and not talk about folks I hang with.

I suspect it's more about " I really don't agree with how she lives her life" than "I don't have anything in common with her". So what to do. You could tell her that "you have nothing in common with her". This would the more painless of the two. OR you could meet her somewhere on neutral ground and give her an hour of your time. Say for lunch.

If she want's you to go to an activity with her you could tell her your schedule doesn't work or is to busy.

Or explain that you haven't hung out in over a year and things have changed.

When I first became a born again christian, I was invited to a family christmas party when I wouldn't drink that was the last christmas party I was invited to and that was fine. If your values have changed invite her to one of your functions and I expect she'll feel so uncomfortable it will be the last. I know I've been there with my family. Won't come to a church function or one where there are friends from my church no matter how nice they are.

Or perhaps it's time for a heart to heart and she needs an ear.

Never underestimate your power to change anothers life for the good or the bad.

Rancher

 

[SourRoses]

Ditto! You MAY hurt her feelings if you tell her you dont feel like being her friend anymore... But you WILL hurt her feelings if you drag it out and keep her wondering. As someone else suggested... you can say its about you to make it easier... OR... if you really want her to feel OK after you tell her, you could come right out and say "I dont like the way you live your life" and then she will be offended enough, she will think that you have the problem, rather than questioning if there is a problem with herself. But you've got to tell her, IMO, because its just mean otherwise! I have had a friend, that was totally opposite me in every way, but I made every effort to keep in touch with her and meet her places.. because I felt bad for her. Turns out, she didn't like me anyway, and instead of just telling me, she dragged it out and I kept trying to contact her thinking something horrible had happened! What a waste of time, that I could have been spending with people I had more fun with! So let her know, and if anything, she'll have that much more time & energy to devote to people she gets along with & get along with her. Same thing with you boys out there!

 

[melloladies]

Quote:
First- I LOVE your name- Squishy

Second- very good points. How did you find out your "friend" didn't like you?

 

[Laurajean]

Quote:
Nobody likes to be lied to by someone they think of as a friend either.... which is worse, hurt by honesty or hurt by betrayal?

I don't mean that to sound harsh, I feel your situation, and have been there too. But if you are going to sit there thinking about how you don't like the way she lives, how about thinking about the way you live? You don't want to lie to people, do you? And you probably don't want to keep blowing her off, since that's not getting you any closure.

What I TRY to do (I'm no pro mind you!) is phrase the truth in a way that doesn't sound cruel. It's hard to give specifics here when I don't know what it is she's doing that you don't approve of, but: Let's say she drinks a lot and you don't. Instead of saying "You drink too much and I don't like it", you could say "To be honest, I really don't drink much, so I'd rather not hang out, the whole drinking scene is really not my thing..." You know what I mean? Both are true (if drinking were the scenario that is), but one way isn't judging her, it's just saying how YOU are instead.

As some of my recent BYCer friends here know, I recently had a problem with my trash guy. He didn't understand that I just wanted him to take my trash and leave. Instead, he would knock on my door and stand there and gab with me, and it was driving me nuts, especially because he kind of creeped me out. I just wanted him to take my trash and go. After some discussion here with other BYCers, I knew that saying "Don't knock on my door, you're creepy and I don't like chatting with you" was just too mean spirited. So instead I finally said one day "I appreciate that you stop by and check on me, but to be honest, I'm a very private person, and many times when you knock you're waking me up, so I'd appreciate it if you could give me some space. No offense, but I just wanted to let you know, but thank you for thinking of me, I'd just rather be sleeping in". That was all true. He was waking me up and I am a private person. So there was no need to mention that he was creepy and annoying, I simply worded it in a way that sounded less offensive. I'm sure he was a little hurt, I could see it in his face, but he thanked me for being forthright and he's never bothered me since.

You WILL hurt her feelings by telling her you don't want to hang out with her, but it's how you go about it that's important, in my opinion. You don't have to tell her you don't like how she lives and that she's being a pain, you can word it in a way that's more about you, and what you need right now. I think hurting her gently and honestly is better than lying to her or continuing to avoid her. To use the "drinking" analogy again, she may be relieved to know you don't want to hang out because you don't drink very much, rather than wondering if she's a bad person and wondering the worst about why you've been avoiding her, you know?

I hope that helps. Good luck!

 

[Royd]

Just tell her the same thing you'd tell a guy, you were trying to dump..."It's not you, it's me."

 

[Royd]

These types of things have caused me to be insecure. I always wonder when someone is talking about someone else what do they say about me when I'm the "other" person. So I try to be good and not talk about folks I hang with.

I was told, at a party, the other night, that I probably shouldn't leave, because I'd be next on the, "Trash your friend, when they aren't here." list.​

 

[melloladies]

Quote:
Nobody likes to be lied to by someone they think of as a friend either.... which is worse, hurt by honesty or hurt by betrayal?

I don't mean that to sound harsh, I feel your situation, and have been there too. But if you are going to sit there thinking about how you don't like the way she lives, how about thinking about the way you live? You don't want to lie to people, do you? And you probably don't want to keep blowing her off, since that's not getting you any closure.

What I TRY to do (I'm no pro mind you!) is phrase the truth in a way that doesn't sound cruel. It's hard to give specifics here when I don't know what it is she's doing that you don't approve of, but: Let's say she drinks a lot and you don't. Instead of saying "You drink too much and I don't like it", you could say "To be honest, I really don't drink much, so I'd rather not hang out, the whole drinking scene is really not my thing..." You know what I mean? Both are true (if drinking were the scenario that is), but one way isn't judging her, it's just saying how YOU are instead.

As some of my recent BYCer friends here know, I recently had a problem with my trash guy. He didn't understand that I just wanted him to take my trash and leave. Instead, he would knock on my door and stand there and gab with me, and it was driving me nuts, especially because he kind of creeped me out. I just wanted him to take my trash and go. After some discussion here with other BYCers, I knew that saying "Don't knock on my door, you're creepy and I don't like chatting with you" was just too mean spirited. So instead I finally said one day "I appreciate that you stop by and check on me, but to be honest, I'm a very private person, and many times when you knock you're waking me up, so I'd appreciate it if you could give me some space. No offense, but I just wanted to let you know, but thank you for thinking of me, I'd just rather be sleeping in". That was all true. He was waking me up and I am a private person. So there was no need to mention that he was creepy and annoying, I simply worded it in a way that sounded less offensive. I'm sure he was a little hurt, I could see it in his face, but he thanked me for being forthright and he's never bothered me since.

You WILL hurt her feelings by telling her you don't want to hang out with her, but it's how you go about it that's important, in my opinion. You don't have to tell her you don't like how she lives and that she's being a pain, you can word it in a way that's more about you, and what you need right now. I think hurting her gently and honestly is better than lying to her or continuing to avoid her. To use the "drinking" analogy again, she may be relieved to know you don't want to hang out because you don't drink very much, rather than wondering if she's a bad person and wondering the worst about why you've been avoiding her, you know?

I hope that helps. Good luck!

I didn't want to get too specific- lest I offend anyone here- but she has three children, and lives off govt. "cheddar" since her DH makes alot of his money under the table- our latest phone conversation was all the nuances of her boob-job surgery (that I'm thinking my tax dollars paid for) and I just don't care! Not only that- but I'm offended that SHE doesn't care!!!

I just laughed out loud trying to imagine myself telling her that I find her boobs offensive...

I'll have to think of a different way to put that

 

[seminolewind]

That is really a tough question. I know with me that sometimes you just outgrow the particular friendship. Or you started out having alot in common and now you don't. You would think that after a year she would have gotten the message. You just outgrew this relationship, and need to move on. It happens.

I had a best friend for 20 years. Her and hubby always helped me in every way they could. I still miss them. What happened? We both moved to another state and now live 40 miles apart. In that 20 years, she moved up the social ladder, and became , well, more kindof fake in a way. She really never believed that I needed meds for chronic depression. They kept inviting us over for dinner or a day on their boat. I really don't like boats, and I would have liked to meet half way for dinner at a restaurant. She opted to take my needs personally.

 

[Cindiloohoo]

Why would you have to think of a different way to put that? I'd put it right out there

If the truth hurts, it's up to her to change the truth she is living. I don't like mooches or mooching. It is one thing to live off goverment checks if it is needed for a short time, it's another altogether to make it a career choice

I have no pity for people actively taking advantage. I'd tell her flat out in a heartbeat, and I am not a mean person either. Just honest.

 

[SourRoses]

Thanks!

I was in a pretty silly mood when I signed up here... I love in "Finding Nemo" when the blue fish finds the little baby jellyfish and says "Can I keep him? Can I keep him? I shall name him Squishy!"

And then... for some odd reason.. my puppy, who I named Eli, decided to only respond to me when I said "Squishy" in his general direction, usually part of a longer sentence... I wonder how that happened?

My "friend" well... as I said, she had me worried that something horrible had happened to her, because I knew what her living situation was at the time. The last time we had seen each other, she had asked me to do something important with her the next day. So after 2 days of leaving messages, the last one being "Im really worried now. If you dont respond to me in 4 hours, I am coming over there!". So, about 4 hours later, I jumped in my car and headed over to her house. It was evening by then, and I got there and the front door was wide open and she was having a party! All sorts of really strange people (excuse me strange people!

) were all over the place doing strange stuff

... and she saw me and came over to ask what I was doing there

So I explained my reason.. and she said "Get out! And stop blowing up my phone!".. So I kinda threw my hands up and said "Ooookay!" and left. I had a bit of a chuckle about the whole thing while I was driving home!

But wished I hadn't wasted the gas