Furious with Ex...Need advice?

[bheila]

Long story short. I have a 10 year old son with my Ex with whom I haven't been with for over 8 years. We were never married. He pays court ordered childsupport because I reported him and there is no custody order. My Ex see's his son on average about 3-4 times a year even though he only lives 20 minutes away and can see him any time he wants to. He usually call's him on his birthday but for the last 4 years he hasn't gotten him a gift. I know that I should be grateful that he at least remembers to call his son and I shouldn't dwell on the materialistic things. So this is the reason I'm furious tonight. My son didn't get to see his dad for Xmas because he had a bad skin infection. Today his dad finally found a few spare minutes to spend with him. When my son got home tonight I asked how his day was, like I always do. He told me where they went and what they did. He also told me that his dad gave him a soccer ball and a video game for his Xmas presents. Cool, right? Then my son tells me that they went to the mall and walked around for a couple of hours while his dad had his new stereo system and amp installed in his car. My son asked his dad how much it cost to buy the stereo and have it installed. He told him $500. So this is why I'm furious!!! My son's father who spent maybe a total of $40 on him then turned around and made my son wait for hours while he spent hundreds of dollars on himself. It just pisses me off!!!!! I want so badly to scream and yell at my sons dad and tell him how wrong and selfish he is but I know that won't help. What would you do? I suppose there is nothing I can or should do. I dislike him so much for how he treats my son! It brought me to tears when my son told me. Thanks for listening. Sorry, I guess my story wasn't that short.

P.S. The reason I left him was because he was so selfish

 

[luvmychicknkids]

Welllllllll.....I know this is going to sound harsh but here goes. You KNEW he was this selfish when you had a child with him. I am on hubby #3. #1 saw his donor child once....in the hospital after his birth, brought his new girlfriend along too. Never paid a dime in child support. #2 told me I had to have an abortion or a divorce. I chose divorce. He saw his donor child once....when he signed the papers for my now wonderful husband to adopt him.

As I said, you knew he was selfish. Your son will grow up knowing this, too. Just take what you get, speak only kind words to your son about his father and let him figure it out himself. You can't change how he treats him, you can just make your son know he is loved and cherished and everything will work out fine in the end. Good luck.

 

[Mourningdove]

Sorry he did that to your son! I had an ex like that but he never paid his court order child support, he never called for birthdays, holidays or anything else. He and his family always made excuses and always had an excuses of why they were busy and couldn't spend time with my son.... then my ex took on 3 different girlfriends kids, ironically they each had 3 kids by someone else, he would spend time with and support them...Long story short kids have memories like elephants they won't forget the wrongs done to them and daddy will pay later in life.

 

[ibpboo]

 

[al6517]

Just remember any guy can be a father, But it takes a real Man to be a DAD, I am sorry and I feel bad for your son, give him a big hug for all of us real DADs.

AL

 

[bheila]

Your right I did know what he was like, but who ever wants to believe that someone could treat a child like trash. My son is fully aware that when his dad calls that there is a 50/50 chance he really won't be showing up to get him. I have never met my father and I don't feel that I've suffered any ill effects from that. Sometimes I think that it would be easier for my son if his dad just wouldn't call anymore. As the years go by he has called less and seen him less. Thankfully when my son was 2 I met my husband who IS my son's REAL FATHER(step father.) It was around last Xmas that my son said something that made me realize that he understood the importance of my husband. He said "Mom, I know that I only have 1 real dad and I know that that is the dad that I can always count on." He told me this just after his biological dad said he was coming to pick him up and then didn't show up. He brought me to tears when he said that.

 

[luvmychicknkids]

Quote:
I am really glad your son has such a wonderful step-father. It definitey makes a HUGE difference. And I know how hard it is to accept how some people can be toward their children, but they are. Sounds like you are doing everything right on your end and THAT is what will matter to your son.

Kids are so amazingly smart and yours has already shown you how perceptive he is.

 

[Ferngully]

Quote:
Too true. Kids are very perceptive, remember everything, and I know exactly how it made you feel OP when your son said he knew who his real DAD is. And as he gets older, your son may not, on his own, "have time" for his bio sperm donor when he calls or wants to spend time with him and tell him so. Kids get tired of being let down, disappointed and slighted and when they feel they have a voice as they older, they start to use that voice. Some would even call it Karma. You and your husband are doing things correctly and in this type of situation, you never need to speak ill of the bio because he speaks volumes loudly on his own.

 

[Mahonri]

Glad your son is learning these tough lessons early in life. It will make him a better father. He has his "real" father who treats him as his son and that will be his example. The 'first' one who doesn't really care, was simply a life donor.

 

[key west chick]

I had my DD when I was barely 21, he was 20 and at bootcamp. We never married, I would call him to see if he wanted to see her, everything I could to get him interested in her life. Nada, nothing, I gave up. Married DH when she was 4. He adopted her a year later. DD knows who her real father is, sees him at church occasionally. She has no desire what so ever to say to him, hey I'm your daughter. He wouldn't know her if she bit him in the arse. He last saw her when she was 7, random sighting at a store. He just watched her and DH watched him watch her. Your son has a wonderful step dad, he knows that. When your son becomes a dad, he will remember the love your husband shows him and how hurt his real dad made him feel. It will make your son a better and stronger man.