Gotta vent/share...

[feather and mountain man]

Well my advice would be to appoligize for the bad timing of your comments and maybe that would help. You don't have to appologize for your thought and beliefs. Maybe this would be a good comprimise for you and your other forum friends.

 

[dandelionheart]

From your tone you sound like a good & caring person. Perhaps in your own head a "blessing in disguise" is meant one way... but to me it means that it is very good divine intervention that isn't seen as such right now. I don't see the death of a baby as good in any way. I *think* you meant that sometimes bad & horrible things happen for inexplicable reasons, but that you can turn that around and make it something more positive. For example, a survivor of childhood abuse becoming a CASA, someone who has had their baby die start or be a part of a support group for grieving parents, etc... Still doesn't make that a blessing, but it sure does make it seem like something that can be used as a stepping stone for greater things.

It was incredibly difficult for me when my baby died in the first trimester... as a 27 year old. I can't imagine the pain of being that far along and also that young. And yeah, I also heard the "god knows best". It made me want to beat the person bloody. I didn't. It mostly came from my MIL. You know, the super conservative anti-choice, every baby is a miracle... it was only a person/baby to be grieved if it was unwanted.

Hopefully you can better explain yourself now... and reattach those connections with your other sitefriends.

 

[mom'sfolly]

Personally, I think that calling the loss of a full-term pregnancy a "blessing" is what got you into trouble. It doesn't matter if the baby was planned, wanted, destined for adoption or going to stay with the 16 year old. She suffered a devastating loss. Anyone who goes on to say that maybe her life will be better in the long run without a baby (which I agree with) is really missing a major point. I don't know any of the details, but my guess is that the family went from the OMG first response to some sort of anticipation, even if it was for the adoption of the child. Facing a funeral instead of a birth is not the expected outcome.

The pain such a remark causes doesn't justify speaking what might be the truth in this case. Any woman who has miscarried and heard the words "in was only 10 weeks, you can try again" knows that insensitive, unhelpful but perhaps truthful words are hurtful. At a death, which this was, tact and sensitivity are called for, even if it means white lies.

Sometimes you bite your tongue simply because it it appropriate and good manners.

 

[Orchid]

mom'sfolly :

Personally, I think that calling the loss of a full-term pregnancy a "blessing" is what got you into trouble. It doesn't matter if the baby was planned, wanted, destined for adoption or going to stay with the 16 year old. She suffered a devastating loss. Anyone who goes on to say that maybe her life will be better in the long run without a baby (which I agree with) is really missing a major point. I don't know any of the details, but my guess is that the family went from the OMG first response to some sort of anticipation, even if it was for the adoption of the child. Facing a funeral instead of a birth is not the expected outcome.

The pain such a remark causes doesn't justify speaking what might be the truth in this case. Any woman who has miscarried and heard the words "in was only 10 weeks, you can try again" knows that insensitive, unhelpful but perhaps truthful words are hurtful. At a death, which this was, tact and sensitivity are called for, even if it means white lies.

Sometimes you bite your tongue simply because it it appropriate and good manners.

Agreed 110%. Very well said.​

 

[dewey]

Condolences, rebukes, and hurtful sentiments usually don't go over well when delivered together.

 

[welsummerchicks]

I think people often say something without thinking of how it would be interpreted or felt. I wouldn't get indignant with the person who said such a thing.

I think the sentiment and the words and how others see the words - it's not always all on the same plate.

 

[asher]

Quote:
I agree. There's a time and a place...that wasn't it.

 

[feather and mountain man]

I hope we are all giving you good advice to help you mend your friendships with your forum friends! Just have a lil courage and face them I think that will be the hardest part. You seem like a caring person and I know you can make ammends!

 

[welsummerchicks]

But were her comments really to the mother at all, or to the participants in the forum who she felt were viewing a young pregnancy in a way she didn't agree with?

I don't think this discussion included the young mother at all, not even close - it sounded very third hand - 'someone she knows'. I think the issue was more about views on young pregnancy that the OP was uncomfortable with.

about how some 16 year old she knows lost her baby at 34 weeks gestation.

I don't say it's always the case, but many of these 'someone she knows' are things read about on the internet blogs or chats. I don't always assume the association is so very close.


I think these discussions often take off from the situation of 'someone who knows someone', and really are a lot more about values than about an individual person.

I feel I wouldn't encourage or exactly 'welcome' a young pregnancy. But if I could, I would help the person.

16 is the age at which many states, a teen can marry, make medical decisions for herself, and is at least legally, considered an adult. But a baby at that age means se*ual activity at 15, maybe younger. And I hate to say it but many young mothers are rather younger than that. Does your point of view change when the mom is much younger than 16?

Is it a good thing to have a baby when very young? I think it is very hard on the mother and the child. Everyone I know who has faced the situation has faced many trials and the judgement of others, as well as many practical problems - finances, education.

It is a hard road - but when it is someone you love, you walk it with them in whatever ways, big or small, that you can. To throw them into the street - I couldn't do it.

One of the places we give away extra eggs to, is a home for homeless pregnant teens. It's a tough way to grow up.

 

[pdsavage]

I think if we are not preparing our daughters we are failing them.Yes its sad she lost a baby at 16,even at that age the hurt will last a life time.