Gotta vent/share...

[chickintexas]

I am a member of an online community that consists of mostly very conservative women. Not that I'm that conservative myself.

But we did share in some like minded things. A recent poster made a mention about how some 16 year old she knows lost her baby at 34 weeks gestation. I felt bad for the girl suffering the situation. I really did. But not one person commenting on this person's post made one mention about it being a 16 year old in the first place!!!! I gave my condolences and then went on to comment about how no 16 year old needs to be getting pregnant and I also said that it was somewhat a "blessing in disguise." I know...not very tactful. I became pregnant when I was 17 and delivered him when I was 18. I was sure as heck not ready! I was still in party mode and didn't even learn about my self until I was in my mid-20's. I have yet to go back to that site to see how how many people totally flamed me. I'm sure I got slammed pretty bad. The one time I went back to the site (quickly) was to receive a message from an individual informing me that she got pregnant at 16 and it was her personal choice. OK. That's all fine and dandy especially if it was a religious thing or what have you. My thinking is...what freakin' family thinks it's cool and perfectly fine to allow their 16 year old daughter to get knocked up?! I've got a daughter and would totally freak if she got pregnant at such a young age! Who, exactly, would be taking care of that baby? Me and my husband, of course! She would have to continue through school, etc. and get a job. I love this site I visit and I have been fretting over my post for the last two days. I'm sorry, but I refuse to apologize for my comments because those were my personal thoughts on the subject. I hate sites where the only acceptable comments are those which are mainstream.

 

[feather and mountain man]

Well sometimes I just don't responde for what I believe in either.

However a 16 yr old is very young to be getting pregnant I didn't have my first child until I was 21 and I wasn't ready. However you can't control what happens to your kids sometimes and you have to make the best of it. I would take care of my children and grandchild if it happened in my family. Thats just me.

 

[debilorrah]

My own feelings about this is any woman who loses a baby that is alive, and 34 weeks is alive, your comments were most certainly hurtful. Even though she is young, nonethless she lost her child.

 

[Camelot Farms]

I am afraid that this thread might end you up in the same place.

Some of the readers here may have been 16 and pregant or be the parent/grandparent of a pregnant 16 yr old. Its a touchy subject no matter what forum you are on.
Just sayin...

 

[chickintexas]

Quote:
Like I said, my comment was not very tactful. I honestly don't know the situation that occurred to cause this 16 y/o to become pregnant. It could have been a religious thing or a family decision. My personal thoughts were that a 16 year old doesn't need to be getting pregnant. It sucks @ss to lose a baby so far along. Trust me...I know...two times over! I got pregnant with my first when I was 17. I was not ready for that responsibility. On top of that, I have never met a 16 year old that could handle the responsibility of a newborn, school, work, etc. Babies are hard!!!

I'm frustrated because I love this other site but I got slammed for my individuality. Goodness forbid if someone has an individual opinion.

 

[Spookwriter]

I am a man.

I am a husband and a father.

I am not in favor of young girls being pregant. But life is what it is.

My grandson is older than my daughter. Try to explain that one.

Once upon a time, my brother in law's 17 year old daughter found herself
in a family way. Being the parent he is, he tossed her out. Homeless, pregant,
and nowhere to go.

It took me a day or two find her. Sleeping in a friends barn in the cold of winter.

My wife and I took her in. Gave her a home, paid the medical bills for her. Saw that
she continued her education.

We were there when her son was born. We brought him home. No...we brought them
home.

It took some time for her own dad to accept this child as a grandchild.

But time heals a lot of things.

My brother in law is now Grandpa to a few kids. And he loves them all....even the one
he almost let get away.

Water over the bridge.

My brother in law was angry with me for what I did.

I did what I did because I thought it was the right thing to do.

Neither of us mention it anymore.

But he has a daughter and a grandson that he decided he loves very much.


And no, I still don't agree with teenage mothers. I think they need to wait. But I
hope that if it ever happens to my own daughter, that as her father, I'm man enough
to stand.

As a father, let there never be anything that my daughter feels afraid to bring to me.

 

[welsummerchicks]

I think 'blessing in disguise' might have not been taken how you meant, you know what you meant, but in that group it might be taken a different way. It's really shorthand for, 'I hope the person is a happy and successful parent some day, and happy in the long term'.

I think what you meant is that 16 is awfully young to have a baby, and that hopefully now, this young lady can wait until she's older and more mature, and can offer a better more stable home to a child.

There are very few young people who can offer a stable home to a child at the age of 16, or 15, or 14 or 12. Will their partner stand by them? Maybe not. And quite often I think it's not even the hopeful mother's lackings, but the situation around her that will put so much pressure on her. Disapproving friends, relatives, people pressuring her to give the child to 'a good family', the demands of work, school and preparing for the future. To top it off, it's simply a financial burden some relatives resent. Some young mothers even have to cope with alcoholic or abusive relatives - who's going to protect them and their child???

I've seen some some really shocking reactions in some circles. In that in some groups, very young marriages are condoned and even encouraged. And oh the backlash if you disagree.

And I've even seen in some groups, that any pregnancies are greeted with great good cheer, even from unmarried and really very young children, even in cases of rape or incest. I've even read some very angry arguments saying that the RAPE was a 'blessing in disguise' because the result was a pregnancy! How's that for turning your wording on its ear?

Some of those comments seemed to completely ignore the usual pattern of that crime - these are crimes about anger and power and that these crimes are damaging to the mother and the child. Our society and legal system does not condone such things - it is a crime, not a blessing, and a crime that can leave lifelong damage to a person.

And in fact, young pregnancies are a subject that almost can't be discussed on an internet bulletin board without SOMEONE getting angry and complaining!!!!! And if the thread isn't shut down, on some of the say, more 'lightly moderated' sites, the discussion can get extremely vicious.

I used to always think that the best thing to do was always stick to neutral, kind comments, as no one ever will change their point of view anyway, so just keep things pleasant for yourself and stay popular.

But my experience has been, that as I got older, I got less concerned with being popular or having a smooth ride. While the loudest voices on those threads shouted down and ridiculed any opposition to their point of view, I always got a private message thanking me for sticking to my guns and defending another point of view.

On the internet, we have an unusual situation. People from all sorts of groups are thrown together. Often they don't have anything in common other than a single special interest - like chickens or dogs. Even when they discuss those, the responses get pretty hot and heavy!

In the old days when we met in our village, we were more often like each other. All the ladies who gathered at the local watering hole to get a bucket of water, probably had more in common with each other - same religion, same education, similar finances. They were more likely to have similar opinions on issues.

I guess you just have to decide what is right for you - to stick up for what you believe, or risk some attacks from people who don't think anyone should have another opinion from theirs.

 

[feather and mountain man]

Quote:

 

[mommyofthreewithchicks]

The thing is that even at 16 she was having a baby and I am guessing making the best out of the situation she created. It is HARD to lose a baby when even when the baby was only 4 weeks along. At 34 weeks that is a viable baby and even harder.

And while I don't advice people under a certain age to get pregnant or for that matter to have sex. Once it is done, it is done and hard for others to quit judging. We all make choices in life and for some people it is to have a baby at a younger age. On a forum I think it is easier for our judgment to come out in black and white but real life ends up being a gray matter....

At 21 I was not supposed to be taking care of three teenagers. Some may have even thought that they should go into the foster care system.... But in the end DH and I made a choice- Some would say at 24 with three teenagers still in the house I shouldn't have had a baby.... Life happens... And even though I wouldn't wish my child to get pregnant at a young age we too would give them their options (none of which I think are great) and deal with the aftermath.... but at the core of this post was a woman (yes young but still a woman) lost a child and that is very sad... So easy for others looking at our lives to make snap judgment, so easy to make a flip comment that if we are honest- Yes you spoke the truth that she was young.... but when a child dies, regardless of the age of the mother it is a sad time, a time full of grief and statements like "its God's will" are very hurtful for anyone on the receiving end when a child is gone. Think of the hurt for the babies family and that is most likely what people were thinking of when calling your post out.

Sorry I think you were in the wrong.

 

[welsummerchicks]

I just wanted to mention that the post about taking in the young mother who had nowhere to go - that was a really nice thing to do.