Has anyone got an only child?

[lizardz]

Our 16-year old son is an only child. When he was around five he said he would really like a brother or sister . . . or maybe a dog. He got the dog! Seriously, we have had discussions about how he has felt being an only child and he is very much okay with it. He sees how his friends who have siblings fight all the time and how it seems that there's always someone who doesn't get as much attention as the others, so he's just fine. We do have his friends over often - almost every weekend you can find 2 - 6 of his friends here hanging out, and now that they are starting to drive (yikes!), there can be guaranteed a couple days of the week that they are here, too. It hasn't always been easy; we have had to make an effort to make sure his friends get here - we live 15 miles outside of town and he went to a Charter School, which meant that most of his friends lived in town or outside town (the other side of town, not our side!), so there was often lots of driving, carpooling, planning that needed to be done. We also have kept him busy with activites (he's into music, not sports) and some volunteer work. He is somewhat spoiled - or is it well-loved? He doesn't get everything handed to him. If he wants something he needs to work for it - either working for neighbors or doing work around our property. Many of our friends have told us that he does not seem like the typical "only child", that he's very down-to-earth, helpful, friendly. We have never made a big deal about him being an only child and we have never felt bad about it. I think if you start worrying about, feeling bad/guilty, that's just going to create problems and make him feel like he's missing out on something. Simply acknowledging his feelings would most likely suffice - "I know sometimes it seems like it would be nice to have a little brother" or something to that nature. The funny thing in our family is that my husband is an only child and I have a brother who is 12 years younger than I am, so I was an only child for quite some time. Niether of us ever remember being too upset by not having siblings!LOL! And we seem to have turned out pretty well - have good jobs, long-term friends, have been together 20 years. I think it's normal for kids to want siblings, especially when they see friends who do, but I also think, if done right, it can be very beneficial to the child. Just don't make him the focus of everything. We have always made it clear that he is a part of the family, not the center and life does not completely revolve around him, that others need time for themselves to do things they want, and that we are not here to wait on him hand and foot (although this one seems to not really have sunk in as he still tries to get away with it - doesn't happen very often, but he still tries). Okay, I'm starting to ramble so I'll stop here. Only children do not suffer from it - only if it's made into a big deal about how they're deprived will it effect them. Good luck!

 

[PeiTheCelt]

Our 3 year old is starting the talk about having a little brother or sister, and she and I have had some serious talks about it.

Part of our situation is that I'm not sure that *I* am ready for another, I'm really scared of having a second child and being too stressed out and cranky to be a decent parent to EITHER, leaving them both with more issues than just dealing with being an only child will cause her... So that's different from your situation obviously..

What I've done though is make sure to explain to her what having a little brother or sister would be like, the crying, Mommy not able to really focus ALL of her attention on her, etc.. So far it's working, though she is in day care, and is a lot like her Dad and I in that she likes her people time, but she also likes her personal time and space, so it's good for her to have some quiet at home I think.

Or I could just be telling myself this to make me feel better about not feeling strong enough to juggle two small ones..

(for the record I do not doubt AT ALL that I could adore them both equally, I'm scared of my ability to PARENT them both well though).

(my husband is also an only child though and swears it is really not as awful as it sounds sometimes from some people, and he is not a spoiled brat or anything)

 

[Smitty's Farm]

My daughter is 14 yrs old and is our only (miracle) child. We also wanted to fill our house with kids b/c we love them and my husband came from of family of 6 kids. I found out when my daughter was about 2 due to medical condition that I can not have any more kids. I feel very blessed to have her. We have had the same conversation as you many times. Her opinion changes year to year if she would want a sibling. I think she would love one. She doesn't understand how her friends that have younger sibling don't enjoy it. We usually fill the house with friends, cousins, or her girl Scout troop on most weekends. I have thought of foster care many times also. E-mail me if you would like to chat.
Thanks,
Kim

 

[ChickieDee]

My son is 9 and my one and only. Both he and my husband have stated they want another child around. I however go back and forth not knowing what to do. I feel to old,42, I have lower back and knee problems and absolutely hate listening to siblings fight. I suppose since he's nine there won't be a whole lot of fighting and my son has a caring and gentle nature. My husband puts on the guilt of who will he have when we're gone. I have brothers whom I fought with all the time growing up and we're not close at all and hardly speak to each other so I try not to fall for the guilt trip(but I do a little). Besides my son doesn't really know what he's asking for. His world would be so different and not so much for the better. Less attention, etc. But there are times I would like another. I would rather foster or adopt but DH is not up for that at this point. I wish he was cause I'd do it tomorrow.I guess at this point I should have his friends over more. I think he just wants to play with someone. We too have Scouts on tues. He loves it. Do you think our boys would want to be pen pals? I think mine would. Let me know.
Dee

 

[hollyclyff]

Our almost 11 year old daughter is an only child purely by our choice, so I've experienced plenty of guilt. She was such a difficult baby and I was in my mid 30s when she was born that by the time I thought I might be able to handle another baby, I thought I was just too old to go through it again. And the idea of being in my 60s when my child graduated from college wasn't appealing. My husband was in complete agreement and he started out wanting at least 3 kids! I think I just wasn't cut out for babies although I love my daughter dearly and feel like I'm a much better parent to an older child than I was an infant.
She has in the past begged for a sibling, but the more time she has spent with her various cousins, she has decided that she's perfectly happy not to have a brother and not at all sure she would like a little sister. We don't have any neighbor kids for her to play with, so getting older and being able to connect with her friends from school more on her own (email, phone) has also helped. We also have plenty of pets. I know they don't completely take the place of a sibling, but they do help. I love my brother and we have always gotten along well, but siblings aren't always so great. My husband gets along with his siblings, but they rarely see each other or even talk. My mil hasn't spoken to her sister in years - they hate each other. My mom doesn't trust her sister at all and my dad's brother is an alcoholic and isn't any help at all when it comes to taking care of my grandmother.

 

[Carole AM]

We are a family of "onlys". My husband is (his Mom divorced when he was little), I am (I am adopted & loving it), and by choice we had an only child, a daughter.

I had lots of neighbor kids & cousins to play with. We made sure our daughter was with kids in preschool, with friends, and activities with other kids. She doesn't miss having a sibling, and she's 21.
I don't think any of us suffered for it.

 

[FluffyChickenMama]

My daugther is almost 15 and she still wants a sibling.. and has ever since I can remember.. I just tell her now what I told her 10 years ago.. Its not in Gods plan right now but when shes ready she can have a housefull and I will happily babysit on occasion.. I had 2 brothers and a bunch of kids to play with when I was growing up and still wanted another sibling.. I think some kids will always want another..

 

[SpottedCrow]

I agree with Pei the Celt...I emotionally couldn't handle another child either. I have bipolar and I wasn't diagnosed with depression until I got really bad postpartum depression...
My son's 14 now and he's asked a few times if he could have a sibling. I misscarried my daughter when I was first married and DS was a healthy full term baby. In fact he was a week late!
My DH just turned 60 this year, so unless I want to turn him in for a newer model, this ain't gonna happen...
I was approached by a mother in a dept store about how selfish I was, only having one child...I was speechless about how rude this woman was with her 4 kids in the shopping cart.
Singletons are more apt to be spoiled, sure, but they're also more likely to have more one on one attention from their parents. They can make friends as easily as multikid families and I haven't noticed any problems except with the neighbourhood mothers giving us the evil eye because we weren't overly fruitful and multiplied like bunnies.

 

[Standard Hen]

I have an ony child, a daughter that will be 23 next month. Of course this conversation came up at some point but she was to be the only one. I have always had lots of animals and she was always very involved in horses, pony club etc. I would have all the girls come over and have "tack cleaning party's" in front of the woodstove in the winter because the tack room at their barn was not heated. They all said their mothers would never do that,,,,lol I would lay newspaper down and they would clean away, I'd make popcorn, brownies. Between the animals and the friends she made it through just fine and said she does not mind at all being an only child. She had to work for lessons and I always tried to make a point of not just handing everything to her. She is a wonderful young woman today and I am so proud of her. Hang in there bantymum, this most likely will pass and I think they all go through it at some point. Actually I think the norm today is only one. Not everyone chooses to do it again for many reasons.

 

[Chelly]

My son would like to offer you his sister!

Seriously, I had my daughter 4 years after my son, mostly so they would have each other - and now they want to kill each other most days!
My suggestion would be to invite friends as often as you can - perhaps ask his friends parents if their child can stay over once a month or something like that....