heartbreaking when children go astray

[The YardFarmers]

I'm so sorry. Same thing has happened to us- raising our kids with christian values, morals, values, and to learn how to assume responsibility for themselves. Two of my children left my home during high school to go live with their dad because 1) they didn't feel they should have any rules/boundaries and neither did their dad and 2) he GAVE them cars and who knows what else. They still don't see me. It hurts every day. One stepson left to live with his perfect mom, never graduated, and has spent time in jail. In the meantime DH and I (especially me) are personally attacked for all the bad things we do to them (like asking them to help around the house and get jobs. Gee, wonder what world they're going to live in).

From what you have written, you are a good mom and have a right heart towards what you did and do regarding your children. God doesn't want or expect us to be perfect. I beat myself up about that for years- what I did or should have done. I really do not think anything would have made a difference. I bet you would really respect and admire a mom friend you knew who parented as you did.

I took the path of approaching my children like the prodigal son. But it still hurts. Pray for guidance to help you work through this and for your children. Also, the more determined you are to follow God, the more the adversary will attack you- don't be taken in with his lies, wrong thoughts, and attacks. Take care of yourself and let God take care of you so you can be stronger to deal with this.

I/We care- keep us posted.

YardFarmer Julie

 

[gritsar]

 

[turney31]

As hard as it is ( I know from experience ) Put her totally in Gods hands! Tell her you love her, let her learn from her mistakes. My daughters mistakes turned out for the best and years later I have a wonderful son in law and 2 granddaughters in our lives. It wasn't what I thought was right at the time. Gods will not mine. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through, I was broken hearted for years. Trust God! I too was blamed and the bad guy, God helped me deal with those mountains. PM me if you want to talk.

Micah

 

[littlefarm_bighappy]

As a former rebellious (but relatively smart) teenager, married to a former VERY rebellious teenager (had no guidance, dropped out of HS) I have this to say: now matter how hard it is, let her face her own consequences. Don't bail her out.

I am 34 with many friends, and siblings, and looking back I see:
THe ones who got big down payments for their homes and lots of 'help'.... got foreclosed on, because they always thought money would be there.
Those that got rehab paid for by their parents, always relapsed.

My husband is practically an orphan.... learning disabled mother, creep alcoholic dad.
He just graduated with a degree in Mechanical Engineering, in a big 10 University. Paid for it with hard work and no help. Same with me, I graduated with a 2 year old toddler, delivering pizzas and scraping together rent. I remember in particular a dental bill I paid over 3 years.

The roots will keep her planted through the storm. Have faith that what YOU have taught her will teach her put of whatever problems she puts herself into.

For the record. i ran away with a high school dropout with a job at Taco Bell. He turned out to be a mathmatical genious under all that family dysfunction... so if she is in love witha guy that's rough around the edges, have hope. There must be some quality she sees.

For the record, we've been together 17 years, have seen hell (buried two children, still raising two) and we are OK. No one thought we would be.

I can't imagine the pain you are in... but she is ALIVE and with you so there is HOPE even though your heart is breaking. Imagine her to be a middle aged woman thanking you for all you did for her. I just called my mom not too long ago and did just that

 

[Opa]

Suzy, there's not much more I can offer beyond what I given on the other thread. I've read all the prior posts and these folks have offered you some very sound advice. The one advantage to being a cyber grandpa is that my arms are long enough to hug people no matter their location. I, as I'm sure are the other respondents, are offering you a cyber hug.

 

[Mandalina]

 

[chickaddict]

My youngest (17) is headed down a bad road. I have run out of options. Only prayer left.

 

[goobhen]

Prayers and hugs! My son made some bad choices, and he is living with the consequences. He is working hard, taking college and raising a son (as much as he can without having custody!) I have helped him, but I did not "bail" him out. I pray that my son lives up to what he is capable of doing. (I think he will, he just has to work at it!) God bless you and your family, big hugs! Theresa

 

[haTHOR]

i totally understand. my son is 15 and was raised with love and lots of positive guidance. he is making choices we can't control and it is so hard. it is important to realize that unless you abused you child or neglected your child's emotional or physical well-being, you are NOT to blame. if you blame yourself it is difficult to truly let go and let the teen own his or her behavior, actions, choices, and the consequences that arise naturally from them.

we spend the majority of our parenting trying to make sure our children NEVER fall or fail. it feels so wrong to let them do just that.

best of luck to you. everyone says it gets better. i personally was very wild as a teen and turned up out really well as a good person! so hope springs eternal for my boy, in my mind. try to keep the faith.

 

[Acre of Blessings]

Quote:
The best advise I can give you (beings I have a 19 yr old also) is to love her. Love her unconditionally, you don't have to agree with her choices but you can love her. Also, let her know that home is always there for her and that you are to when ever she may need you. I was heartsick just 6 months ago.....I understand fully, but now my daughter is now within 5 miles of me and she knows now just how much her parents loves her. She has also found out how hard it is on her own, but she knows that her home and parents are right around the corner whenever she needs them. May God give you Grace and guide you through so that you can see His work.....