heartbreaking when children go astray

[chickabator]

I know how you feel I am going through the same thing right now with my oldest dd. she just turned 21 2 weeks ago, and there is nothing I can do. except PRAY!!!

 

[danielle82]

my nephew is 18 and living with me. I "found" something in his room today that is NOT okay. A lot of people have done that and turned out fine, but it is sad when someone you love and have tried to help choose a productive path and betterment for their future dosn't really want any part of it. The only thing I can do is be a broken record, and make rules (my house my rules) I guess whether they agree with the rules or not is outta our control, but following them is in our control.

 

[jeaucamom]

Quote:
Prettiest Frog... this is far more than what career I had chosen for my daughter (I never had). I am very sorry your relationship has never improved with your mother!

 

[Prettiest Frog]

Quote:
I'm sure it is. It's more than that with my mother as well. On top of not being a lawyer, I married a *gasp* Jew, refuse to have more children, moved to a place that has winter, raise chickens, play video games and RPGs, own a gun, have friends of various and sundry lifestyles, and in my college days I used to pick up extra cash on the weekends doing tarot card readings. Quite a few of my friends have been known to have a recreational joint. All these things my mother thinks are downright harmful to me.

But that wasn't my point. I don't know what your daughter is into, so I was just offering a view from another perspective. My lifestyle as a whole is so different than what my mother envisioned for me, and my mindset is so different from hers that she can't comprehend how I can be happy and thus won't be happy for me. If I bring up in conversation that I hate the hat and scarf set my husband bought himself, she starts reminding me that she'll pay for me a moving van to come move in with her.

There is a harmful life and a harmful life. My mother remains convinced that by raising chickens we will all die from salmonella. At least once a month I get an email forward on the dangers of salmonella poisoning. Those of us here on this forum know how silly her fears are provided I take a few very basic precautions, but for her and her circle of 'meat comes from the grocer' friends, these fears are very, very real and there is plenty of anecdotal evidence floating around to justify those fears. I know at least one of her friends has suggested calling CPS because the chickens are going to peck my son's eyes out, fortunately even my mother isn't that nuts.

There are things a person can do that are genuinely harmful, like making their own meth in the kitchen and working for a pimp who beats her regularly. Things that are guaranteed to end badly. Then there are 'harmful' things like my leaving my mother's political party and refusing to join another. It's not actually harmful, it just offends my mother's sensibilities and thus she is convinced it will all come to a bad end. I don't know what your daughter is doing, only that you've stated there are plenty of people that wouldn't think anything was wrong. I don't know what end of the extreme it falls on, and thus I'm just trying to offer a different perspective.

Remember, young wolves often leave the pack to form their own and can become stronger than the original.

 

[deb1]

If what your daughter is doing is physically harmful perhaps a discussion with a physican might help.

 

[redhen]

Quote:
I'm sure it is. It's more than that with my mother as well. On top of not being a lawyer, I married a *gasp* Jew, refuse to have more children, moved to a place that has winter, raise chickens, play video games and RPGs, own a gun, have friends of various and sundry lifestyles, and in my college days I used to pick up extra cash on the weekends doing tarot card readings. Quite a few of my friends have been known to have a recreational joint. All these things my mother thinks are downright harmful to me.

But that wasn't my point. I don't know what your daughter is into, so I was just offering a view from another perspective. My lifestyle as a whole is so different than what my mother envisioned for me, and my mindset is so different from hers that she can't comprehend how I can be happy and thus won't be happy for me. If I bring up in conversation that I hate the hat and scarf set my husband bought himself, she starts reminding me that she'll pay for me a moving van to come move in with her.

There is a harmful life and a harmful life. My mother remains convinced that by raising chickens we will all die from salmonella. At least once a month I get an email forward on the dangers of salmonella poisoning. Those of us here on this forum know how silly her fears are provided I take a few very basic precautions, but for her and her circle of 'meat comes from the grocer' friends, these fears are very, very real and there is plenty of anecdotal evidence floating around to justify those fears. I know at least one of her friends has suggested calling CPS because the chickens are going to peck my son's eyes out, fortunately even my mother isn't that nuts.

There are things a person can do that are genuinely harmful, like making their own meth in the kitchen and working for a pimp who beats her regularly. Things that are guaranteed to end badly. Then there are 'harmful' things like my leaving my mother's political party and refusing to join another. It's not actually harmful, it just offends my mother's sensibilities and thus she is convinced it will all come to a bad end. I don't know what your daughter is doing, only that you've stated there are plenty of people that wouldn't think anything was wrong. I don't know what end of the extreme it falls on, and thus I'm just trying to offer a different perspective.

Remember, young wolves often leave the pack to form their own and can become stronger than the original.

Very good post!!..

 

[redhen]

Quote:
Yes! because even if she is 19...shes still your baby...
If its something that can harm her physically, i'd talk to someone and get her some help...

 

[rancher hicks]

I can't even touch this.

 

[babylady4]

Have you told your daughter your own mistakes? Your life story?

You need to share your own story with her; how you made terrible choices and had to live with the consequences of those decisions. A lot of what you are telling us you need to tell her. Have a heart to heart someplace private and just the two of you.

In another thread you mentioned your religion, I am not going to divulge it but it explains a lot to me of what you are feeling and going through. I understand your position and that of your daughter much better now.

Communication is the key and since she is an adult you need to treat her as such. Suggestions of behavior and appearance when she is around her siblings, not to 'force' her to conform to your lifestyle but as a gesture of respect for your choices. You also need to respect her decisions and lifestyle as well.

Think of it as her rumspringa..... and upon her return all is forgiven and forgotten.

I hope this makes sense.....

 

[Gonzo]

we've been going through some small issues with our daughter... just remember, the more you push, and demand, the more they rebel, and the worse it'll get. They're at that age where they're struggling to gain some independence...

I hope it all turns out okay!