Hippie Jims C&P's

[the simple life]

Jim, these are great, thanks for taking the time to make us stop and think...laugh and sometimes cry.

 

[the1much]

Obituary
Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. I t declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a be ating when you
couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap,
and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his d aughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to
Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

 

[the1much]

The 'L I T T L E ' Things



As you might know, the head of a company survived
9/11 because his son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was
His turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her
Alarm clock didn't go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
Because of an auto accident.

One of them
Missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
Time to change.

One's
Car wouldn't start.

One couldn't
Get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man
Who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
Took the various means to get to work
But before he got there, he developed
A blister on his foot.

He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
That is why he is alive today.


Now when I am
Stuck in traffic,
Miss an elevator,
Turn back to answer a ringing telephone..
All the little things that annoy me.
I think to myself,
This is exactly where

i should be
At this very moment..

Next time your morning seems to be
Going wrong ,

The children are slow getting dressed,
You can't seem to find the car keys,
You hit every traffic light,
Don't get mad or frustrated; It
May be just that
God is at work watching over you.

 

[the1much]

just some plain quotes....



We are alone, absolutely alone on this chance planet: and, amid all the forms of life that surround us, not one, excepting the dog, has made an alliance with us.
- Maurice Maeterlinck
This is like deja vu all over again.
- Yogi Berra
We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.
- Buck Henry
Some things have to be believed to be seen.
- Ralph Hodgson
There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
- Richard Feynman

 

[the1much]

Television is the first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want.
- Clive Barnes
Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful.
- Samuel Johnson
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- George Carlin
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
- Ronald Reagan

 

[the1much]

THE UGLY FROG

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered,'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'


The old lady figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY.'!

So! The old lady figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED THE OLD LADY'S KISS.


SUDDENLY THE OLD LADY FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!












SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's old...... NOT DEAD !!!!!


OLDER LADIES ROCK

 

[the1much]

Take my Son







A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.







When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.








About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.









He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.' The young man held out this package. 'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.'









The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. 'Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift.'








The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.









The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.









On the platform sat the painting of the son The auctioneer pounded his gavel. 'We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?'









There was silence.









Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, 'We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one.'









But the auctioneer persisted. 'Will somebody bid for this painting. Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?'









Another voice angrily. 'We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Gogh's, the Rembrandt's. Get on with the real bids!'









But still the auctioneer continued. 'The son! The son! Who'll take the son?'









Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. 'I'll give $10 for the painting.' Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.









'We have $10, who will bid $20?'









'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.'









'$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?'









The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son.









They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.









The auctioneer pounded the gavel. 'Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!'









A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Now let's get on with the collection!'









The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, the auction is over.'









'What about the paintings?'









'I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.









The man who took the son gets everything!'

 

[the1much]

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone

Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer ?'
Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )
After they get the fax :
Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank : 'That might help.'
Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plotnumber 69.'
Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery !'
Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???



(Priceless!!)

 

[maplesky7]

Oh that last one rubbed me the wrong way.

I called one of the phone plans that had my dh's cell phone and told them we needed to turn his phone off for MILITARY SUSPENSION since he was deploying. They said fine. MONTHS later I get a bill for about $300. I call and ask them what this is about since we had been paid up?

They say, no, it's not on military suspension. And I say, I have record of faxing you his deployment papers back in Oct. They say, we don't have that on record. And tell me I'm still responsible for the fees and late fees. I tell them he wasn't even in the country using the phone, I'm not paying it. I want to speak to a supervisor. The girl tells me, there's nothing the supervisor can do that she can't do. So I tell her, bring my account to zero and place my husband on military suspension. She says she can't and the best way to handle it is to pay the fee since it's already been sent to collections. What? I tell her, it's not MY fault, I did MY part...you didn't do YOUR part. I'm not paying it.

Well, 2 hours and 9 people later....I finally get through to a person on top. He says, sorry this isn't the first time something like this has happened with the military and he zero'd my account but had to change our phone number since the one we had went to collections.

I wish I could charge them for the 2 hours that day and the time I spent prior trying to work this out....since I called them in Jan. and the last call was placed in March, when it was finally resolved.


Then my dh comes home from leave in May and asks me if I could call the phone co. to activate his phone for the 2 weeks he'd be home and then unactivate it after that. I was like...."are you kidding me?"....if he only knew.

and I didn't do it....he did with out. oh the sacrifices....

me,
g

 

[the1much]

Subject: David Letterman's statement



This is a bit long, but worth reading.



David Letterman

wrote this; it's the David we
don't often see...

' As most of you know I am not a President
Bush fan, nor have I ever been, but this is not
about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it
seems to hit the mark
'The other day I was reading Newsweek
magazine and came across some Poll data I found
rather hard to believe. It must be true given
the source, right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67
percent of Americans are unhappy with the
direction the country is headed and 69 percent of
the country is unhappy with the performance of
the President. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry
just ain't happy and want a change. So being the
knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What
are we so unhappy about?''


A.. Is it that we have electricity and
running water 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week?


B.. Is our unhappiness the result of
having air conditioning in the summer and heating
in the winter?


C.. Could it be that 95.4 percent of
these unhappy folks have a job?


D.. Maybe it is the ability to walk
into a grocery store at any time and see more
food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last
year?


E.. Maybe it is the ability to drive our
cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to the
Atlantic Ocean without having to present
identification papers as we move through each
state?


F.. Or possibly the hundreds of clean
and safe motels we would find along the way that
can provide temporary shelter?


G.. I guess having thousands of
restaurants with varying cuisine from around the
world is just not good enough either.


H. Or could it be that when we wreck
our car, emergency workers show up and provide
services to help all and even send a helicopter
to take you to the hospital.


I.. Perhaps you are one of the 70
percent of Americans who own a home.

J.. You may be upset with knowing that
in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of
trained firefighters will appear in moments and
use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames,
thus saving you, your family, and your
belongings.

K.. Or if, while at home watching one
of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or
prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun
and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you
and your family against attack or loss .

L.. This all in the backdrop of a
neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and
pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where
90% of teenagers own cell phones and computers.


M. How about the complete religious,
social and political freedoms we enjoy that are
the envy of everyone in the world?


Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks
unhappy.


Fact is, we are the largest group of
ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever
seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet
has a great disdain for its citizens. They see
us for what we are. The most blessed people in
the world who do nothing but complain about what
we don't have, and what we hate about the country
instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.


I know, I know. What about the
president who took us into war and has no plan to
get us out? The president who has a measly 31
percent approval rating? Is this the same
president who guided the nation in the dark days
after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to
bring an economy out of recession? Could this
be the same guy who has been called every name in
the book for succeeding in keeping all the
spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist
attacks? The commander in chief of an
all-volunteer army that is out there defending
you and me?


Did you hear how bad the President is
on the news or talk show? Did this news affect
you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't
take a look around for yourself and see all the
good things and be glad? Think about
it.....are you upset at the President because he
actually caused you personal pain OR is it
because the 'Media' told you he was failing to
kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day..
Make no mistake about it.


The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have
volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have
died for your freedom. There is currently no
draft in this country. They didn't have to go.
They are able to refuse to go and end up with
either a ''general'' discharge, an 'other than
honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a
''dishonorable' ' discharge after a few days in
the brig.


So why then the flat-out discontentment
in the minds of 69 percent of Americans?


Say what you want but I blame it on the
media. If it bleeds it leads and they
specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a
car crash with blood and guts How many will
watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The
media knows this and media outlets are for-profit
corporations. They offer what sells, and when
criticized, try to defend their actions by
'justifying' them in one way or another Just ask
why they tried to allow a murderer like O..J.
Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill
his wife, but if he did he would have done it
this way......Insane!


Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New
York Times for the bottom of your bird cage.
Then start being grateful for all we have as
country There is exponentially more good than
bad. We are among the most blessed people on
Earth and should thank God several times a day,
or at least be thankful and appreciative.' 'With
hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud
slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up
the country from one end to another, and with the
threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we
sure this is a good time to take God out of the
Pledge of Allegiance?'
David Letterman