How to answer dumb questions, or, What NOT to ask a retired person! +

WriterofWords

Has Fainting Chickens
12 Years
Dec 25, 2007
13,212
52
336
Chaparral, New Mexico
Disclaimer: Joke from my email, not one of my own. The second one is my version, a condensed version anyway!

The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?

Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)


Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.


Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say

My version condensed:

I was in Wal Mart the other day buying some Laying Pellets, the feed store was out. This woman behind me asked me if I had chickens, so I told her that no I didn't but I'd heard that this Layer stuff was really good for you because it had all that calcium in it for the hens so they would have good shells on their eggs.
I said I'd tried it before but I'd had to stop using for a bit because of the the "unfortunate" accident it caused. Of course she'd asked what that "unfortunate" accident had been.

I said that well it had caused my septic system to back up on me, and I'd had to have it cleaned out real well and the pipe under my toilet replaced. She asked what on Earth had caused all that, did the calcium in it solidify? Oh eyah, and the plus side was it was a lot cheaper than Boniva or Fosimax that the Dr. prescribes for folks.

I told her no it hadn't, but all those darn eggs I kept laying in the mornings backed up in the system and caused a heck of a mess!

I walked off with her thinking about it and the stock clerk crying because he was laughing so hard.
 
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wyliefarms

Songster
11 Years
Aug 19, 2008
1,865
5
161
Fowlerville,MI
Now I just read the rooster love story and thought that was funny!

I am laughing so hard I am crying!!! 2 great laughs in one night, perfect!!!!

Seriously, though are you really not allowed to shop at Walmart for that comment?!?

Got any other funny stories?
 

WriterofWords

Has Fainting Chickens
12 Years
Dec 25, 2007
13,212
52
336
Chaparral, New Mexico
Hmmmm ok, what else could a human do with Fish food? I thought since some of it is for colored fish I could say it brought out my hi-lites in my hair?
 

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