How to handle seeing my father agian...

[pdsavage]

ok my uncle (my fathers brother) passed away im taking my mom up there for the funeral and stuff.
My father whos last words to me where "call this number agian and the cops will be called".It was acually the first time I had called it as he left my mom agian for his now wife.My mom gave me his wallet to give back to him to I was calling to give it back.Anyway that was back about 1998 so about 11 years.

So how should I behave around him,I realy don't want to talk to him at all.I think I should just ignor him.

edit to say: he hasnt seen any of us kids in 11 years me and my 3 brothers...so its not just me he walked away from all 4 of us and his grand kids....

 

[NancyDz]

That's tough, I would just be cordial but not go out of your way. Pay your respects and don't draw attention to the fact that you guys arent on good terms. Emotions run high at this type of event and even the most innocent comments can be taken wrong. That's great you are taking your mom, concentrate on her needs and be the bigger person. If your dad starts anything just excuse yourself from the situation.

Good luck!


Nancy

 

[CityClucks]

I agree with NancyDZ - be civil and say hello and I'm sorry for your loss, but don't push other conversation. Sounds like from what you've said that the ball is in his court. I hope you are able to repair your relationship or at least be on civil terms. My best to you and your family!

 

[eggzettera]

Time can heal wounds if you let it. My older sister didn't speak to my mother for decades, over a fight they had when she was a teenager.

What it REALLY was about was her (my sister) taking sides over my mother's & father's fight - NONE of her business. Sounds like @ the time emotions were running high & the ADULTS didn't handle it right.

Your mom should NOT have placed YOU in that position, your dad could have handled it better to.

I am saying QUIT taking sides in their fight - it has NOTHING to do with you & quite honestly shame** on both of you for not resolving this sooner. I am not saying jump right in - just don't pull away.

**Now don't make me take my own advice - I have not spoken to my own daughter in over 3 years (guess who she is living with-yup the sister that can hold a grudge for decades).

 

[PineBurrowPeeps]

Can I ask something though... If your fathers brother died, and you haven't had any contact with your father in 11 years, then is it safe to assume that you haven't had any contact with the Uncle for that long either?
How close was your mother to deceased Uncle?
If not very close I would simply not attend. If your mother and father are no longer together than as far as ettiquette is concerned I don't feel she has any obligations to pay respects. The obligation falls on the shoulder of the new wife.
Furthermore, if he was that violent with you for making a phone call to him to return a personal object do you really think he's going to be in the same room as you and your Mom without making a scene? I worry that this may start a fight at a family event that is meant to be peaceful and about remembering your Uncle.
This is a very sad and sticky situation to be in. I could not attend my own grandmothers funeral out of town for similar reasons.

Though, if I was going to attend I think I would throw his wallet right at him if you still have it

Not that it would help ANY and you really shouldn't do that!!!

 

[JennsPeeps]

(edited b/c I misread the OP's msg about the wallet)

I think it's very gracious of you to be thinking about how to behave with a man who has disowned you & yours, and treated you poorly.

It's going to be very tempting to say something nasty. He's not worth it, and you'll regret having said it, regardless of how much he deserves it.

Simply say you're sorry his brother died, and walk away. You would do that for any stranger on the street: he's no different as a result of his actions.

 

[justusnak]

Jenna, I like the way you think. LOL I TOO would throw it in his face and say....THATS why I called 11 years ago, then calmly walk away. BUT...DO NOT DO THIS!! It would NEVER have a good outcome. I say, if you MUST go....just either keep your distance...or just be cordial. No more, no less. If things feel like it might escelate...find another room, bathroom if you have to, and seperate yourself from him. Its not worth makeing a scene dureing this time. Good luck, and I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[pdsavage]

Quote:
my mom goes and sees my uncle and the rest of my fathers family all the time,my father hasnt been there in like over 11 years.His mother is still alive and my uncle lived with her.So he pretty much ignored all of his family....

 

[JennsPeeps]

It's possible he may not even be at the funeral.

 

[sundance]

I'm sorry for your loss, take care of your mother and treat him as you would any other stranger that comes to pay their respects.(if he comes at all)I you see him first you might take your mother to the rest room for a few min of peace and quite.I don't know why but it seem like a death in the family sometimes brings out the worst in people.

marrie