Wow, IF it happens, or when, I hope my place is just snuffed in the blink of an eye. I've already lived through chemo at the brink of death 3x & have cared for several loved ones that passed from cancer. Basically, 1999 to 2018 life...no not life, existence is the right word, Existence revolving around cancer. I don't think I have the oomph left in me to tangle with nuclear fallout, nor the emotional resources to see more loved ones suffer & wither away. Nope, just take me & my flock out, here one second, over the Rainbow Bridge the next.
I understand Liz....and part of me feels the same...I'd rather go home to be with the Lord than stay here to suffer and watch others suffer....I'm sorry for your struggles but as hard as they are, I believe they are purposed....you are stronger than you think! I know this is off topic but I'd like to share my experience with you and anyone who cares to read it.....
A decade ago I took care of both of my parents at home until they passed....both died from cancer....it was so hard and I felt exhausted and defeated, like I had lost my purpose in life after they passed.
Then 7 years ago I was diagnosed with a rare and inoperable brain tumor, and was given 5 years to live only "IF" chemo and radiation could extend my life a bit...surgery was out of the question because the tumor spread throughout my brain like tentacles from the main lump....2 years after my diagnosis when all treatments failed, I was put into a nursing home on palliative care, and while I waited to die there, drugged up on copious amounts of pain killers and seizure meds, I shuffled around the hallways with my walker to visit other patients, to keep them company and make them feel loved, or just pray for/with them if that's what they wanted, and most did no matter what they did or did not believe in.
Then one day the Lord spoke to me....not audibly but in my thoughts with His still, small voice, and said "It's time to leave here, you have work to do" I knew it was Him because it sure wasn't my thought to leave!
I convinced my case worker that I had somewhere to go live where I would be cared for for my remaining days, but in actuality I was talking about living in my SUV with the Lord as my sole caregiver because that's all I had.... and to my surprise without further explanation, she agreed to discharge me....highly unusual and against protocol!
I spent the next year travelling/camping out in my SUV which was a huge challenge in my condition (couldn't take much pain meds when I had to drive) but all the while I used the opportunity to minister to, and encourage other people I met who also lived in their vehicles or relied on homeless shelters to survive.
Ok a lot happened during that time... too much to type ....but I emailed a Pastor about a business opportunity that I saw on ytube and he was also street healer... he said call me in the morning so we can pray together. So I did, and the instant after he finished praying and we said "Amen", all of my pain was gone, I was sobered up from the morphine, I could walk normally, and the titanium plug in my skull from the initial tumor biopsy sunk into my head about a half an inch.... the tumor in my brain disappeared and I still have that indentation in my skull....THANK YOU JESUS! Anyway, He then ordained me and now I am a non-denominational Christian minister.... I met my husband through a ministry, and here I am now....living out my calling while preparing to help others when they are in despair! I hope this encourages you to press on and not give up....whatever happens, you were born for such a time as this, and if you would like me to pray you as well just let me know.... I would be honored!