Husband just died

[WriterofWords]

Slow Down. You haven't hit all the stages of grief yet and you are looking for someone or something to fill that empty spot in your heart, mind, time, and soul. Any grief counselor will tell you not to do anything, sign anything important, make any important or lasting decisions and to not get involved romantically for at least a year after the loss. It's hard to be alone, especially after a sudden loss like you suffered. Don't worry about getting old and fat alone, don't let yourself look at it like that. The only way you will end up old and fat and alone is if you let it happen and since you have plenty of time you could take a couple of years to find yourself as a single person again. It's a very hard transition to make, married with a hopeful future to suddenly single and being unsure of yourself and your standings with those you knew as a part of a couple.

One of the things that is the hardest to deal with is the friends who are happily married couples suddenly not inviting you to parties or gatherings because they are afraid you will be upset by being around those happy couples. Let them know right up front that you are not looking at it that way and that you expect to be included just as you were in the past.
If it's too hard for you to be around them right that is FINE! Don't let anyone pressure you into feeling you have to be part of a couple. You aren't ready for that.

It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to the man you are trying to be involved with. You won't find what you are missing, which is your husband, in another man. In time you will be able to look past it, get past it, and find someone for what they have to offer themselves, not what you are trying to find within that person.

We are here for you, no matter what!

 

[Enchanted Sunrise Farms]

You are so young, really. i used to think that 30 was old, when i was in my teens and twenties. Now i'm 56 and have a whole new perspective. But i remember the feeling of 30 and how it was very important for me to be with someone. i had a lot of heartaches in my life. It took me deliberately being alone for 6 years before i felt i was ready to let love back in. When i did, i was 45 and reconnected with an old college friend. This year we will be married 10 years.

It's been such a short time since the loss of your husband. Although it sounds like it was not the most emotionally filling relationship, it will still take a while to recover. i would say at least a year. Not sure it is wise to complicate things with a new relationship at this point. But that's just my opinion, from afar. You know better what is right for you.

Counseling would be a great idea at this point. If you are a church-going person, get back in with that group. Or join any group that has activities and the type of people you would enjoy. Just sounds like you need something to fill the void. Maybe get some massages to help with the need for touch? Touch is something we all need, but it doesn't have to come from a partner.

You should be pampering yourself now and the more help you get the better. i hope you can find a good counselor to guide you through these difficult times.

 

[debilorrah]

Honey, I didn't find the "right" one til I was old, fat and greying. Stop looking, focus on you. You never know what will happen in 15 minutes.

 

[cackydoodledoo]

I am sorry for you loss. Is there a grief support group near you? Possibly one that is centered around the loss of a spouse? Please check because I think it could really help. Not only will it give you the tools to deal with your grief it will also give you people to talk to when you need to. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[EweSheep]

You are beautiful in your own way and a kind and compassionate person about your horses and particuarly your daughter. You gave her a pony that your husband couldn't at that time. Those are the times to be cherished and treasured.

I do agree with the above posts. I never lost anyone close to me except my grandparents. I still have my parents, my sister and my husband. One day it will come to me in the worst way that I can never prepare even I have read all those posts of wonderful BYCers losing their love ones. I know it will hit me like a sledgehammer, particuarly my parents which I hope they stick around for another twenty years but that is a very TALL order for me to ask them. When it is their time, it's their time. All in all, learning from all of the BYCers, I can prepare myself a bit, what to expect in grieving, etc. and the shock of it all. Not looking forward to it at all. However I know one thing, time does heal and brings fondest memories.

I was greying, already fat now and hubby still loves me for what I am.

 

[rebel-rousing-at-night]

I've seen pics of you too and you are beautiful.

 

[Rhett&SarahsMom]

I am so very sorry for your loss

 

[annaraven]

Quote:
When my mother died, I was okay until 3 months in - then I lost it. To the point of needing prozac. Please take the advice here and be aware the grieving process takes time. I found out that 3 months is actually a very common time for people to really have it hit that the person is gone, and to go through another bout of grieving that is as or sometimes more severe than the initial bout.

 

[jojo54]

Take care. I can't add anything to all the above comments. Remember you are important and we are here for you if you need us.

 

[bethanyrae]

My heart hurts for you. If you want advice, I'd say don't make any decisions or rash moves or statements to parties involved when experiencing these heavy emotions. These are very real feelings, but they won't rule you forever. There is a light at the end of your tunnel.
I've also learned to track my "cycle" and know when I'm the most vulnerable to having trouble dealing with things that are easier to deal with at other times. Also to recognize when I'm most likely to feel attractions. Sounds unromantic, but it can be cyclic.
Be patient with his schedule. Things happen. But reliability is important, so keep track if this continues....I'd just pay a lot of attention to how he treats others and what others think of him. If he thinks too highly of himself, RUN. You don't need anyone who thinks life is "all about him." (I'm just saying these things in general, and without reference to what you've said about him!)
Thanks for keeping us posted.
bethanyrae