Husband just died

[babylady4]

What Citygirl said.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
Harsh way to get to the truth. Grief shows itself in many, many forms. I believe that her wanting to fill the void is one of them. Doesn't make it right or wrong, just the way she is dealing with it. We all know that first relationship after a death, divorce, bad break up, etc., is bound to fail. Murphy's law in at work there. She will probably need to fall down on her face before she can pick herself up, dust off and get right again. Anyone who has lost a partner knows this is true.

I handled it by hooking up with quite possibly the worst person on the planet for me and wound up with some bruises to show for it. My fault, I stayed. It lasted 6 months and I then decided to stay single until my son was 16 at a minimum. Then I had another horrid relationship (non abusive, just wrong) and then I met Ken and the rest is history.

Michigan, any time you want to complain, cry or just rant, feel free to PM me.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

Debi, I'm not trying to be harsh or mean or hateful. I am trying to be realistic. The OP's husband has been gone less than three months. He died unexpectedly on February 27th. That is less than three months ago. Grief does take many forms and it takes a little while to work through. Jumping immediately into another relationship less than three months after your husband dies is a poor choice. I guess I am surprised at the number of people encouraging her in that direction. The loss of a spouse is one of the most stressful events that can occur in a person's life. If you don't deal with that stress it will come back to haunt you in both physical and emotional ways. Based on posts the OP has made, it sounds like she is already dealing with depression issues. Those issues need to be dealt with before she jumps into another relationship.

It would be one thing if it was just the OP. Grown ups have the right to make all sorts of emotional decisions. They just have to be prepared to deal with the repercussions. The OP has a very, very young child though. That child's physical health and mental health should be a priority right now. When you bring another human into the world your rights are trumped until that human is old enough to be independent. Whether she wanted the child or not, she made the decision to bring a life into the world. That child has to be priority #1 over anything the OP wants to do. That child has zero control over her world and it is her mother's responsibility to protect her emotional well-being.

I should also point out that most of you are married. You have no idea what the dating scene is like. Dating as an adult is hard. If the OP isn't emotionally balanced to start with it will be terribly difficult to navigate. It leaves her susceptible to being preyed upon. None of us want that for her. We all, of course, want happiness for her.

The OP is a nice woman. I believe she is a strong woman and an interesting woman. Those are the parts of herself to develop. You can't develop yourself though when you are focused on this guy or that guy. You turn into what you think this guy or that guy wants. The OP is too unique to lose herself trying to find a man. She needs to become the amazing woman that she can be.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
My dear friend, I was not arguing with you.... Just stating what I see from her. ANd she is a very nice woman!!! Most people who lose someone like she did go through a period of madness, for lack of a better word. I agree it is a poor choice, but in her instance, it just may be bound to happen with the same results I described above. It will not last nor will it be good. She may very well have to experience the harder side of life before the real grief sets in. WE all want the best for her, hence all our different posts and opinions. Personally, I do NOT encourage a relationship at this point, however, if you read back through her posts, she is not easily swayed

At this point, the OP is in the middle of finding a grieving ground. I just pray that she finds enough people to be honest with that can accept her truths and help her out a bit.

 

[CityGirlintheCountry]

Amen. (Though I do hate for anyone to have to deal with the harder side of life... as do we all, I'm sure).

OP- best of thoughts to you. I pray that you find an easier path through your grief. You ARE strong. Believe that.

 

[debilorrah]

Quote:
You are also a strong woman. I think the OP can learn TONS from what has been posted, should she choose to.

 

[michickenwrangler]

I did call him one last time, mainly because his daughter wants to take riding lessons at the barn I board at yet everyone out there knows he and I were seeing each other. I thought he would have been out of work by the time I called--either that or he was screening it--but I did leave him a message. But I basically told him that if his daughter wanted to take lessons, as far as anyone was concerned we stopped seeing one another because of our schedules. Beyond that, he knows my number and where I live if he wants to get a hold of me.

And you married women really don't know what I am going through. There was so much about Wayne I took for granted and even though I knew his health was bad, I thought he had a least a few more years, but apparently not. I feel that I have accepted his death, but haven't figured out how to deal with my own loneliness.

The neighbor's son--who is about my age--stopped over yesterday morning to buy Wayne's flatbed trailer and to also drive me back from the mechanic's (had to take the truck in to get the water pump fixed). I've known him for years--his parents' property backs to mine--but he's also married and I get along well with his wife. Normally when he and I shoot the breeze, it's pretty superficial stuff like tar paper and truck tires, but after signing the stuf for the trailer, he hung out for a bit and we talked, and actually this time we had a real conversation, talking about childhood and former goals in life and plans for the future and at one point, I thought "Oh, I REALLY don't need this." He has been helping me with some stuff around the house--but again up until yesterday it's always been "man stuff" we've talked about.

But it made me realize that I want friendship from a man more than a "boyfriendship." I just want a man to occasionally talk to and hang out with.

 

[EweSheep]

Nothing wrong with wanting to talk with men of your own interest of anything else but getting into the dating relationship.

My sis is like that, she loves the company of men than women...it is just her. And what she feels comfortable.

Go out and have fun with yourself, pamper yourself....go to the spa with your daughter if you can do that! I have to think of things to do with my daughter when she is out of school......she gets bored very easily and constantly on the go go go!

 

[krcote]

Quote:
Great job recognizing!

 

[Opa]

MCW, since you are a member of the Michigan flock I have read all of your posts and sympathize with your situation. Since you've been getting the advice and opinions of hens I thought maybe an old rooster should chime in as well.

The loss of anyone, or the ending of a relationship can be a very emotionally trying experience. I had a marriage end that left me completely blindsided and wondering what I could have or should have done differently. It was a very difficult time for me and had I not still had sons at home I hate to think how things might have turned out. I can only suggest that you go easy, focus on yourself and your child. Don't worry about not being in a relationship. You're a very young and interesting woman and the right one will happen.

Sadly I know of men who actually looked for women in your situation because of the vulnerability. And I also know from my own experience that women who seemed to needy scared the hell out of me. Just be yourself and quit trying so hard. A good relationship shouldn't be a lot of work.