I am a bad friend :-( More Cancer talk.

[redhen]

I agree with everyone above..
Time to have a talk with her.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST. I am going again tomorrow. She would not "let" me be the one to take her to infusion this week because I told the nurse to put a note in her file about her lack of hearing. She is very impaired and refuses to tell people so she misses alot of important information. I also told them about her anger and they told me they had noticed (she is nasty to them too) and they had given her a script for anxiety and told her it was to help with nausea (it does, it is a side effect) She refuses to take it.

This IS a life altering event. In a way I think it is supposed to be. I don't mean to be putting myself where I don't belong when I have not had this, but I certainly have had my share of life's wake up calls. I have had melanoma and a lumpectomy for a cancerous lump four years ago. It was completely calcified so there was no spread. Anyway, I think life gives you chances to evaluate your own progress. Some of us are in need of stronger smacks to the head than others.

But, I am afraid if she does not take this call and make the changes she will become very hard and bitter for good.

Again, thank you all for supporting me! I will do what I can even if it may mean pulling back some.

 

[TipsyDog]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

I believe she is depressed and angry, but how much do I really have to tolerate? At what point is it OK for me to turn the mirror back on her? At what point do I say I am tired and won't help some one who is endlessly berating me?

You are already a better friend than I would be. You're a saint in my book for putting up with personal attacks from someone you're trying to help.

 

[mom'sfolly]

Your friend has a right to be angry, but she doesn't have the right to be angry at you. No illness justifies being nasty, although pain certainly can make you short tempered. I think you are right to talk to her, and hopefully things will work out.

You are being a very good friend to her.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

I am making meals for her because she isn't getting meals from other people: she insists on eating out!

Can any of you ladies who have gone through this explain to me why last round of chemo she insisted on going shopping for hours and then out to eat. I was exhausted by the pace she set. I figured it was a steroid reaction, but she tells me now that she felt awful the whole time! She says they told her she needs to keep moving and this is how she chooses to keep moving. I don't think they meant to keep up that pace, but if she CAN do it, does she need as much help as she is asking for? And why does she ask for so much help but then barely let anyone actually do anything??

I am bringing the meals because when I was there last time every time I started cooking she would take over. I would ask her to relax and let me wait on her and she would get mad and tell me I was doing it all wrong. She even yelled at me for loading the dishwasher wrong.

Is she pushing herself too hard? Should I try harder to keep her slowing down? OR do I accept she is capable of this pace and then conclude she doesn't need a babysitter for three days! (She asks for 5, this time it was split between two of us.)

 

[smileybritches]

well, I guess if she is capable of doing it let her do it. Ya know, she actually sounds like she is scared more than anything.

 

[WriterofWords]

Last year you guys helped me out a lot when I was supporting a "friend" with cancer. I put that in quotes because although we grew up together, rodeo'd together, went to school together, I never considered a real friend, more of a friendly acquaintance. When she was diagnosed with a tough and very progressed cancer my family and I stepped up to help her, not just because we wanted to, but because there was no one else to do it because she's not a very nice person. Her husband had to work, she made his life miserable for not dropping everything. She kept going back 30 years to find things to throw in my face and to make me angry. It was a hour drive each way, every day, for a long time. When I was off school I took her, or after school I took. My mom took her, my dad took her,,, but she seemed to aim her anger at me. I finally pulled the truck over on I-10 one day, and said ok, either sit there and shut up an listen or get the hell and gone out of my truck. I was serious too, I would have let her get out in rush hour traffic and walk in the heat of the NM summer. I told her she had no right to treat me or her husband this way, that sure better not be saying any of this crap to my parents that she was spouting at me. I told her flat out she's never been a good friend, she never stepped up to help me, but that I could look past that to help her out when she needed it. I told her she either did something about her anger and her behavior or I wouldn't driver her anymore, and neither would my family. That while we understood her anger, and her fright, it didn't give her the right to destroy us while helping her. She did improve, and we did continue to help her, and we have a decent relationship with her now, but I had to be honest, straightforward and very rough with her. You probably don't need to be as hard, but stop letting her do this to you. Cancer does not give a person the right to hurt you.

ETA: You aren't a bad friend, you are a tired and abused friend, big difference there.

 

[I have WHAT in my yard?]

WOW, you are a way better friend than I could ever be. Hour drives each way?!?!

So we had it out this week and it was all good. I told her she was freaking out because she was feeling alone in the world but if she kept treating her friends so badly she would find out what alone really looked like! She was moving more into a better frame of mind. She admitted she hated needing help and resenting the people who were "helping" her because their lives seemed better than hers.
That was a big improvement!! We talked about her fear and what it was she really wanted from the people helping her.

I also bought her the book I Am NOT My Breast Cancer. At first she wouldn't read it, but I read her some of the letters from other women and she started laughing and agreeing with them. (I chose carefully ones about feeling angry all of the time.)

So it was much better this time. Thank you all. I am not sure I would be able to help her if you weren't helping me!!








Now I need to deal with hubby's feeling neglected!

 

[CoyoteMagic]

I have WHAT in my yard? :

Now I need to deal with hubby's feeling neglected!

Roll around in some wrapping paper and put a bow on your head!!

 

[WriterofWords]

Quote:
Roll around in some wrapping paper and put a bow on your head!!

OMG, you are bad! But hey, it might work!