I am furious with my Father....... long rant

[Elite Silkies]

My dad was laid off about 3 months ago. I welcomed him into our home and he stayed for 2 months, before I booted him out.

He was trying to turn our son against us. He told my son that he could do or say anything he wanted to say to his dad (adoptive dad) and if his dad didn't like it, he would have a friend of his beat him up

What is wrong with the man??

He told my son horrible lies about his father, etc. etc. I just can't grasp the reasoning behind it. He was going to move into our rent house and wanted us to let our son move in with him.

My son became a holy terror. His grades went from A's and B's to a 9. I have never seen an average so low in my life. He put it in my son's head that he could do whatever he wanted to do.

I love my father, but I don't know that I can ever forgive him for what he has done.

He told me that my husband wasn't good enough for me, because there was much better looking men available. I love my husband for who he is, not what he looks like.

My son didn't tell me everything that my father was trying to pound into his head, but he did say that he said a lot of bad stuff about his dad. My father had no right. He really doesn't even know my husband. He has traveled all of his life and has never been around long enough to know anyone. He was never in life when I was growing up. He has never been a father and doesn't really know how to be one.

He moved in with my with his brother, whom I am very close to. I am afraid that my Uncle will not see through my father's lies and our relationship will be destroyed. That would just kill me. I love my Uncle dearly and we are best friends. But, I can tell by talking to him that he is tending to side with my father and I have tried to tell him that my father is making up lies. I just don't know what to do.

I just needed to get it off of my chest.

My guess is that, if he could get our son turned against us, and makes our lives a living nightmare, that we would let him have him. But, we love our boy too much to let him go.

How do you forgive, should I forgive? My heart is heavy and I am so angry. Any advice is greatly appreciated. I'm glad that I have BYC friends to talk to .

 

[sonew123]

Ouch Im sos sorry

 

[LarryPQ]

Sometimes there is not much you can do. I have this same issue with my mother, but she does it for the attention. We call it "professional victim". It would seem your father either needs the attention, needs to feel like he has some control over SOMETHING in his life, or perhaps is getting a little bit of dementia. The best thing you can do is reinforce to your son how much you & the DH love him. Take the high road when family asks, and be consistant with dicipline.

Edited: As for forgiveness? I don't know. I have not figured that out. Perhaps distance will help lessen the hurt and frustration, but once burned twice shy. Maybe work on not being angry, then try forgiveness.

 

[teach1rusl]

Sad isn't it, that you can pick your friends and your spouse, but you can't pick your family. Sounds like you love your dad, but don't like him (and no wonder). Since your dad wasn't a big part of your life while growing up, you could only guess as to why he's behaving the way he is. It could be a psychological issue or just plain meaness. Your son and spouse come first, so do what's necessary to preserve that. If a drug dealer was corrupting your son, would you let him visit and hang out with him? No. Get your son back on track. Seek counseling if needed.

Your uncle is an adult. I don't know what kind of lies or tales your father is filling your uncle's head with, but you need to take the high road. Unless your uncle asks you to clarify something, I would stay out of it. Don't play emotional tug of war. Forgiveness? I think it's always for the best if you can do it. Acceptance? No way.
Sorry you and your family are going through this difficult time...

 

[sens-5]

how can a father do this to his daughter and her family!!!pretty sad to hear!!hope everything change for the best for you and your son..good luck

 

[Partyfowl]

Cammy
I Do Know How You Are Feeling, Kinda. Early Last Year My Married, Pregnant, Sister Let Our Father Live With Her After His Recent Divorce #3. He Soon Began To Drink Again After Being Sober For 19 Years, And She Allowed This Because She Felt Sorry For Him. But In Reality She Was Enabling Him Back To The Addict He Was 19 Years Ago. His Personallity Never Changed. He Was Always "an Addict" And Always "an A** Hole".
I On The Other Hand Had Gone To Consuling And Alonon And Refused To Let Him Drink Around Me Or My Children. But We Accepted This, Because We Thought We Had To. He Soon Continued To Spiral Out Of Control, He Lost His Job, Needed To Borrow Money, And Was Drivng Drunk. My Sister Was Trying To Start Her Own Life With A Baby On The Way And Fast Track Career. Plus Playing Parent To Our Dad. One Day She Called Me And She Had Found A Entire Yard Bag Full Of Empty Whisky Bottles In The Basement. That Night We Had A Intervention And Kicked Him Out Of Her House. It Was A Unhealthy Relationship For My Sister, For Our Children To Be Around, For Me, And For Us To Continue To Enable Him To Behave This Way. And Thank The Lord We Have Such Supportive Spouses, They Must Love Us!!

My Dad Has Been In And Out Of Our Lives Since I Was A Child. He Is A Addict. And This Behavior Is True For Most Addicts. But The Problem Is With Us. We Allowed It And Accepted It. Because We Craved Our Fathers Attention. He Is Know In Treatment And Slowly Making Way Back Into Our Lives, A Healthy Way. But There Was No Way He Was Going To Have A Relationship With Me Or My Children Without Some Boundries.

Boundries Are Your Key. You Are A Parent Already, You Do Not Need To Play A Parent To Your Dad!!

 

[Elite Silkies]

Ya'll always have such good advice and I really appreciate it. It helps to be able to talk about it. I do love my dad, but I do not like his ways.

I just couldn't ever imagine hurting my own children and can't see how he could. My son is in counseling and he is doing really great. We haven't had any problems with him since my dad left. He said that he could see now what my dad was doing and he said that he felt it was wrong that my dad was doing what he was doing.

I would never let anyone destroy my marriage or my relationship with my kids. I feel that if my dad wanted a relationship or someone that he could call his own, then he should have been a father when he had the chance. He didn't want to be my dad, and he isn't going to be my son's either. He just couldn't find his place as a grandfather. He will realize what a great loss he has brought on his self within time, I am sure.

Thank you guys so much for letting me vent and giving me great advice.

 

[MagsC]

How bitter someone must be inside to DO something like that to family!! I am so sorry you are going through this.
Well, even if your uncle might be taken in at first, sooner or later, he would figure it out, especially since your dad is living with him.
Dont get any more involved with his life than you have to right now.
I also hope he eventually comes to regret what he did. Unbelievable.

 

[Elite Silkies]

I agree that he must be a very bitter person. I have heard of people that are miserable and not happy and they want everyone else to be unhappy as well. I think he is a very selfish person.

I haven't talked to him since he left. He has tried to call me a couple of times, but I didn't answer the phone, because right now....... I just don't have anything positive to say. My mom always taught me that if you don't have anything positive to say then it's best to keep your thoughts to yourself.

My dad fought my mom for my brother when they divorced and he won of course, only because my brother was old enough to make his own choice of which parent he wanted to live with. Well, my brother was 14 at that time. By the time he was 18 he was sentenced to R.I.D. and since then he has spent a total of 18 years of his life in prison. He thinks I want him to take over my 14 yr old, I like having my son in my life, and not behind bars. The sad part of it, was that he didn't really want my brother, he justed wanted to hurt my mom. My dad just dropped him off with his parents and came in every once in awhile. My grandfather was the same way as my dad, so my brother really had no chance at all.

I'll have to work on my anger towards him first before I can ever forgive him. If I ever can. Just to think, I was actually excited to have my father around basically for the first time in my life. What a downer.

 

[PineappleMama]

Wow. Lots of dads feel that no one is good enough for their little girl... but to base it off of LOOKS? Really? That's just a little ... odd.

Trying to see his side... really trying... ahhh... maybe he feels like crap for never being there (should!) but of course can't admit to failing miserably so instead he takes potshots at the man who is loving, supporting, etc.... add to the fact that your son (raised by this guy who is better for you than he ever was) is doing great... well adjusted, great grades, etc. all because of (your and) this guy's love and support... maybe that's just a tough bit of crow to swallow. So, rather than slinking off and licking his wounds, OR talking about it, instead he's acting like a two year old and lashing out. Trying to destroy everything that your guy has (probably handed to him way to easy in your pop's opinion) since he never had it himself. Or, worse yet... if it's not just jealousy, but also blame... donno how your guy could be to blame for your dad's lack of spouse, job, home, etc. but you'd be surprised where people will try and lay the blame rather than taking responsibility for their own choices in life.

Hmm... that's not very flattering, and I do hope that's WAY off base... but people have lashed out and been hateful for less...

If it was me, I'd stay well clear of him and keep him away from my child until he gets his head straight. Uncle wise... if you really are as close as you think then he'll know perfectly well that your dad's full of it. But, he may have to pander to the idiot to keep peace in his house (remember you just went through THAT mess)... so, in your shoes I would wait it out, and once your uncle is rid of him THEN see where he stands. Better to give him the benefit of the doubt, and have a friend at the end. Then to assume the worst and destroy a friendship for no reason... that's just what hateful people love to see.