I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
I Lost My Best Friend My Husband Bill
- Thread starter wolftracks
- Start date
Quote:
Exactly.
Exactly.
Quote:
He should be. My father is a 100% disabled veteran and I was able to recieve schooling benifits until I was 26. He may want to call the local VA and check into it.
He should be. My father is a 100% disabled veteran and I was able to recieve schooling benifits until I was 26. He may want to call the local VA and check into it.
- Thread starter
- #124
Got his daughter's flight paid for but had to call Bill's sister to find her and let her know. Her phone is turned off.............arrrg
At least she knows to get to the airport.
His son is still waiting to her from his grandmother so he can get here. Wish we had hear from him sooner, we might have been able to get him here too, but there's nothing left.
Bill's councelor has been calling and he's actually going to take me to the VA to make sure I get everything done correctly the first time and that we get everything we qualify for. He's so sweet and really torn up about Bill. Bill just loved him. He got really close to 2 of them there and he had a lot of respect for this man and what he's gone through during this war. He's a young Marine who lost his leg in either Iraq or Afganistan and he was out last week, because he and his wife just had their 3rd child, a little baby boy. He'll be going to the services and staying afterwards and I told him we were happy he would be there since he's family now.
Two days. I'm trying to keep busy, but I know when it's over I'm going to be lost. I have a lot of kids, but they have families and careers that keep them very busy. Some travel a lot.
Bill gets me through times like this. I depended on him and now I'm trying to get through this without him to turn too. It's really hard and I know I'm not the only one to ever deal with this, but those who have know how devistated I am.
I appreciate all of you for dealing with me right now and all of the well wishes and advice and encouragement. Chicken people are the best people.
I'm not getting much done, but I'm just worn out and I can't seem to function enough to keep going, but I'm trying.
Thanks everyone for helping me through this.
Kim
Oh and DragonEggs...............get the Egg Train moving so we can both have one of the little roos. Bill was really excited about me starting the Train and I want us all to be able to use it when ever we need to. I may not be able to run the thing but I sure want to be there to getting moving, so keep them on their toes and keep it alive while I deal with one more death and try to get my bearings. Still need more members and coordinators so if you can cheeck on things for me it would be much appreciated.
At least she knows to get to the airport.
His son is still waiting to her from his grandmother so he can get here. Wish we had hear from him sooner, we might have been able to get him here too, but there's nothing left.
Bill's councelor has been calling and he's actually going to take me to the VA to make sure I get everything done correctly the first time and that we get everything we qualify for. He's so sweet and really torn up about Bill. Bill just loved him. He got really close to 2 of them there and he had a lot of respect for this man and what he's gone through during this war. He's a young Marine who lost his leg in either Iraq or Afganistan and he was out last week, because he and his wife just had their 3rd child, a little baby boy. He'll be going to the services and staying afterwards and I told him we were happy he would be there since he's family now.
Two days. I'm trying to keep busy, but I know when it's over I'm going to be lost. I have a lot of kids, but they have families and careers that keep them very busy. Some travel a lot.
Bill gets me through times like this. I depended on him and now I'm trying to get through this without him to turn too. It's really hard and I know I'm not the only one to ever deal with this, but those who have know how devistated I am.
I appreciate all of you for dealing with me right now and all of the well wishes and advice and encouragement. Chicken people are the best people.
I'm not getting much done, but I'm just worn out and I can't seem to function enough to keep going, but I'm trying.
Thanks everyone for helping me through this.
Kim
Oh and DragonEggs...............get the Egg Train moving so we can both have one of the little roos. Bill was really excited about me starting the Train and I want us all to be able to use it when ever we need to. I may not be able to run the thing but I sure want to be there to getting moving, so keep them on their toes and keep it alive while I deal with one more death and try to get my bearings. Still need more members and coordinators so if you can cheeck on things for me it would be much appreciated.
I have worn the shoes you are wearing...my heart breaks for you.
- Thread starter
- #126
We had Bill's funeral friday. It was our anniversary and I couldn't bare to spend it without him even if it was for this.
Anything that could go wrong did of course. We had the hearse driver from Hell who drove 85 while we tried to keep up for an almost 2 hour long ride from the viewing at the funeral home to the cemetery. Good thing Bill's nickname was Speed Racer! There had been an accident at the exit to the cemetery 2-3 hours before and the idiot couldn't figure out that it was probably clear by then and couldn't find his way back one exit passed the one we needed. He got upset when not one of us had our gps systems with us, so my youngest daughter tried to give him her phone which has one. He said he'd just follow us! Blind leading the stupid, I had to lead him! It's no wonder that man drives a hearse. No people skills. Forget grieving when you'd mad as %$@%.
I didn't have a copy of a pic I wanted to put in the drawer of the casket, so I hooked up the printer and set up some pics of all of us and the dumb thing wouldn't do squat. I managed to find some copies of them all on regular printer paper, but I don't think he will mind. I didn't get a copy of a pic of our grand daughter Makayla. She was Grandpa's girl and I feel terrible. I let her put a picture of Bill and I and my kids in so she could do something. I wrote him a note. I just couldn't get a letter written. Everytime I tried I just went blank and couldn't get out what I wanted to say.
His daughter didn't get on her flight. My daughter set it up for the next day and she said she'd be here. She didn't show and haven't heard from her.
I met my youngest stepson! Now I have a 23 year old son and a 23 year old daughter. So strange how not being around his dad for most of his life that he has sooooo much in common. We tried to keep him. LOL Maybe next time. His new sisters kept him really busy and they had a great time. And he did something VERY cool and VERY Bill! They gave me like 5 minutes to try to come up with the scripture for his marker. My daughter Oriana took the binder with the sayings and Paul took the clipboard. I'm a binder person and Bill has clipboards all over the place. He worked with a lot of those in the hospitals. Anyway I noticed a saying that I liked, but it seemed kind of selfish when I glanced at it so I didn't say anything. Oriana didn't see anything and they said they'd give us till today actually to decide. When she asked Paul if he saw one he turned the clipboard around and pointed at exactly the same one. He said "this is how you feel about him and I think it's the one. Bill would do that to me. I could see something somewhere and one day he'd just walk in with it. He'd pick out exactly the same things I would pick out and always know what I would like. OK except some watches for Christmas once, but that was my fault. Even longer story than this one.
I couldn't find anyone to record the service, but my granddaughter caught it on my daughter's phone for me. LOW memory on my laptop, so I can't have her email it and watch it.
When they say a maximum of 30 minutes for a service they mean it. there were others waiting for services when we got there and more arriving when we left.
We loved Texas Roadhouse. My daughter worked with them to makeup a special menu that she could afford and most of us went after the service to eat. My food is still in the fridge. She also make a cake that I wish he had been alive to see. It was a really Bill Riley cake. Parachuting GI Joe and Harley's. LOL She covered it in camoflauge fondant. It was fantastic!
Bill's counceler attended everything. He is so sweet and Bill really liked him. He was very emotional about Bill. He truely appreciated his service and his life. I love him. He has a new baby boy, his third. We're gonna adopt him into the family and he said he'd be there for me forever. That felt really good. Today I went through the nightmare of Social Security. ARRRGGGGG!!!! I quality for diddly! Oh well. Tomorrow I go to the VA. Derek is going with me. He said he didn't want to impose, but he wanted to help and I'm so thankful he is there for me. He wants to make sure I get everything I should get and he's going to help me fill in everything and help with questions. Derek was a Marine (I know.............ALWAYS A MARINE)......He lost his leg before coming back and helping people like Bill that have been feeling forgotten for decades. He is truely an amazing young man with a huge heart, just like Bill's. I was talking to him this evening and I said something about Bill not getting half of what he deserved. I said he always gave so much and got so little in comparison. He told me to stop and think about what I had just said. He asked me what that told me. He said that's the way Bill did everything and he did it out of love. There was no way to do more for him. He always would have had to do even more. I read him the last lines in Bill's journal. It was about having another counceler leave the center and the new one hadn't even called him to introduce himself or check on him. The last line was " Seems the only one who has not abandoned me is Derek McGinnis @ the Vet Center. The PTSD was tearing him up, but he knew Derek was there for him any time. Now he's offered to be there for us and he is a Godsend!
The day after the funeral was our granddaughter's 1st birthday and we took Paul with us to the party. Grandpa wouldn't want his Princess to not get her first birthday party on time. Since he's been gone she keeps looking toward the hall where he used to wave and make faces at her while she sat in her highchair eating and she points and smiles and giggles and yells GRANDPA! I wish I could see him too. So far all I've seen are shadows on the ceiling that like like him surrounded by other faces and a shadow of one of his tatoos. My 23 year old has seen him twice in the hallway here at the house and she says she wished he would stop, because he knows she scares easy. Makayla came screaming saying she saw arms in the hallway with Grandpa's tatoos, but I told her if grandpa is here, she's safe and she was happy and releaved with that.
After evryone had left, 2 of my girls, my grandsons and their friends and Bill's son played basketball and football. I sat on the curb with my 4 year old granddaughter and watched. I laughed and cried back and forth. We had always wanted our kids to get together and I couldn't help thinking how happy he would have been to finally see this. Kind of bitter sweet, but it was wonderful and fun. It was also empty without Bill there to share it with me.
We took Paul to the airpot yesterday and he flew back to PA. We made him promise to come back and I'm praying that he will.
Everyone is back to their lives and I'm wondering what I'm going to do with mine and what's going to happen next. I'm exhausted. I can't think straight and I'm sooooo lonely without him here to talk to me. I can't EVER see this getting better. EVER! How have those of you that have been there go on??? I honestly have not been able to feel my heartbeat. I've checked for it. Nothing! I have a knot in my chest where it used to be. I was so worried for so long about what was going to happen to us and when he convienced me we were finally going to be fine..........He was gone the next morning. I took a breath and felt some relief and I shouldn't have. It only lasted until I woke up the next morning.
I had a dream the other night. I don't really remember it, but there was a woman in it. I knew who it was when I was asleep, but for the life of me I can't remember it. I do remember she was talking on and on and I couldn't understand her. I don't know if I was waking up or if I woke up after I heard it but my eyes flew open after I thought I heard him say " Honey, you're going to love it up here." I think I'm losing it, but I've always been terrified to die and now..........I feel like I'm just here for a little while until it's my turn and then everything will finally be alright. Stupid maybe, but I really think it was him and I keep trying to hear him again.Just wish I wasn't having a hard time sleeping again.
ummmm................wonder if this will even post? Guess I'll find out. Come on memory, let it post!
Anything that could go wrong did of course. We had the hearse driver from Hell who drove 85 while we tried to keep up for an almost 2 hour long ride from the viewing at the funeral home to the cemetery. Good thing Bill's nickname was Speed Racer! There had been an accident at the exit to the cemetery 2-3 hours before and the idiot couldn't figure out that it was probably clear by then and couldn't find his way back one exit passed the one we needed. He got upset when not one of us had our gps systems with us, so my youngest daughter tried to give him her phone which has one. He said he'd just follow us! Blind leading the stupid, I had to lead him! It's no wonder that man drives a hearse. No people skills. Forget grieving when you'd mad as %$@%.
I didn't have a copy of a pic I wanted to put in the drawer of the casket, so I hooked up the printer and set up some pics of all of us and the dumb thing wouldn't do squat. I managed to find some copies of them all on regular printer paper, but I don't think he will mind. I didn't get a copy of a pic of our grand daughter Makayla. She was Grandpa's girl and I feel terrible. I let her put a picture of Bill and I and my kids in so she could do something. I wrote him a note. I just couldn't get a letter written. Everytime I tried I just went blank and couldn't get out what I wanted to say.
His daughter didn't get on her flight. My daughter set it up for the next day and she said she'd be here. She didn't show and haven't heard from her.
I met my youngest stepson! Now I have a 23 year old son and a 23 year old daughter. So strange how not being around his dad for most of his life that he has sooooo much in common. We tried to keep him. LOL Maybe next time. His new sisters kept him really busy and they had a great time. And he did something VERY cool and VERY Bill! They gave me like 5 minutes to try to come up with the scripture for his marker. My daughter Oriana took the binder with the sayings and Paul took the clipboard. I'm a binder person and Bill has clipboards all over the place. He worked with a lot of those in the hospitals. Anyway I noticed a saying that I liked, but it seemed kind of selfish when I glanced at it so I didn't say anything. Oriana didn't see anything and they said they'd give us till today actually to decide. When she asked Paul if he saw one he turned the clipboard around and pointed at exactly the same one. He said "this is how you feel about him and I think it's the one. Bill would do that to me. I could see something somewhere and one day he'd just walk in with it. He'd pick out exactly the same things I would pick out and always know what I would like. OK except some watches for Christmas once, but that was my fault. Even longer story than this one.
I couldn't find anyone to record the service, but my granddaughter caught it on my daughter's phone for me. LOW memory on my laptop, so I can't have her email it and watch it.
When they say a maximum of 30 minutes for a service they mean it. there were others waiting for services when we got there and more arriving when we left.
We loved Texas Roadhouse. My daughter worked with them to makeup a special menu that she could afford and most of us went after the service to eat. My food is still in the fridge. She also make a cake that I wish he had been alive to see. It was a really Bill Riley cake. Parachuting GI Joe and Harley's. LOL She covered it in camoflauge fondant. It was fantastic!
Bill's counceler attended everything. He is so sweet and Bill really liked him. He was very emotional about Bill. He truely appreciated his service and his life. I love him. He has a new baby boy, his third. We're gonna adopt him into the family and he said he'd be there for me forever. That felt really good. Today I went through the nightmare of Social Security. ARRRGGGGG!!!! I quality for diddly! Oh well. Tomorrow I go to the VA. Derek is going with me. He said he didn't want to impose, but he wanted to help and I'm so thankful he is there for me. He wants to make sure I get everything I should get and he's going to help me fill in everything and help with questions. Derek was a Marine (I know.............ALWAYS A MARINE)......He lost his leg before coming back and helping people like Bill that have been feeling forgotten for decades. He is truely an amazing young man with a huge heart, just like Bill's. I was talking to him this evening and I said something about Bill not getting half of what he deserved. I said he always gave so much and got so little in comparison. He told me to stop and think about what I had just said. He asked me what that told me. He said that's the way Bill did everything and he did it out of love. There was no way to do more for him. He always would have had to do even more. I read him the last lines in Bill's journal. It was about having another counceler leave the center and the new one hadn't even called him to introduce himself or check on him. The last line was " Seems the only one who has not abandoned me is Derek McGinnis @ the Vet Center. The PTSD was tearing him up, but he knew Derek was there for him any time. Now he's offered to be there for us and he is a Godsend!
The day after the funeral was our granddaughter's 1st birthday and we took Paul with us to the party. Grandpa wouldn't want his Princess to not get her first birthday party on time. Since he's been gone she keeps looking toward the hall where he used to wave and make faces at her while she sat in her highchair eating and she points and smiles and giggles and yells GRANDPA! I wish I could see him too. So far all I've seen are shadows on the ceiling that like like him surrounded by other faces and a shadow of one of his tatoos. My 23 year old has seen him twice in the hallway here at the house and she says she wished he would stop, because he knows she scares easy. Makayla came screaming saying she saw arms in the hallway with Grandpa's tatoos, but I told her if grandpa is here, she's safe and she was happy and releaved with that.
After evryone had left, 2 of my girls, my grandsons and their friends and Bill's son played basketball and football. I sat on the curb with my 4 year old granddaughter and watched. I laughed and cried back and forth. We had always wanted our kids to get together and I couldn't help thinking how happy he would have been to finally see this. Kind of bitter sweet, but it was wonderful and fun. It was also empty without Bill there to share it with me.
We took Paul to the airpot yesterday and he flew back to PA. We made him promise to come back and I'm praying that he will.
Everyone is back to their lives and I'm wondering what I'm going to do with mine and what's going to happen next. I'm exhausted. I can't think straight and I'm sooooo lonely without him here to talk to me. I can't EVER see this getting better. EVER! How have those of you that have been there go on??? I honestly have not been able to feel my heartbeat. I've checked for it. Nothing! I have a knot in my chest where it used to be. I was so worried for so long about what was going to happen to us and when he convienced me we were finally going to be fine..........He was gone the next morning. I took a breath and felt some relief and I shouldn't have. It only lasted until I woke up the next morning.
I had a dream the other night. I don't really remember it, but there was a woman in it. I knew who it was when I was asleep, but for the life of me I can't remember it. I do remember she was talking on and on and I couldn't understand her. I don't know if I was waking up or if I woke up after I heard it but my eyes flew open after I thought I heard him say " Honey, you're going to love it up here." I think I'm losing it, but I've always been terrified to die and now..........I feel like I'm just here for a little while until it's my turn and then everything will finally be alright. Stupid maybe, but I really think it was him and I keep trying to hear him again.Just wish I wasn't having a hard time sleeping again.
ummmm................wonder if this will even post? Guess I'll find out. Come on memory, let it post!
My thoughts and best wishes are with you in this difficult time.
Bill sounds like he was an amazing person who had a whole lot of love for you. I'm sure you'll be reunited someday, and that in the meantime he is watching over you. It's too bad the funeral didn't go exactly as planned, but you did your best and that's all that matters. I think it's good you've posted your thoughts and feelings in this thread, and continuing to do so is probably a good idea. It's nice for those feelings to be able to go somewhere and be heard by someone, you know? I think it helps to keep things from building up so badly. I know I like to write in my blog when I'm having a rough time and it often helps me to feel better. Please don't be embarrassed to post as often or as long of posts as you want.
I am sure you will be mourning for a long time, this type of pain doesn't just go away. But you will pull through, even if it feels impossible. Take good care of yourself, try your hardest to sleep and eat good meals, and spend time with the people (and chickens) you love and care about. I am wishing you the best.
I am sure you will be mourning for a long time, this type of pain doesn't just go away. But you will pull through, even if it feels impossible. Take good care of yourself, try your hardest to sleep and eat good meals, and spend time with the people (and chickens) you love and care about. I am wishing you the best.
Sorry about your loss, and I'm especially hoping that you recover from the shock quickly.
Wolftracks,
I have been reading your posts on here as often as I can. I think your posts here and this wonderful group of people reading about him is better than any eulogy you could write! No one is gone who is remembered and you have made certain that all of us, who never me this man will now remember him. I am certain I would have liked him. (I have always had a soft spot for Marines!)
If you are up to it, try to let Derek's boss know how much you appreciate him. He is going above and beyond the call of duty and his record should reflect that!
I am certain that Bill and his new friends will keep an eye on you for as long as you need them to. My mother slept with my father's bathrobe for 5 years. Grieving doesn't have a time schedule. Nor does it have a season. You come here and post about your love as often as you like. We'll be here.
I have been reading your posts on here as often as I can. I think your posts here and this wonderful group of people reading about him is better than any eulogy you could write! No one is gone who is remembered and you have made certain that all of us, who never me this man will now remember him. I am certain I would have liked him. (I have always had a soft spot for Marines!)
If you are up to it, try to let Derek's boss know how much you appreciate him. He is going above and beyond the call of duty and his record should reflect that!
I am certain that Bill and his new friends will keep an eye on you for as long as you need them to. My mother slept with my father's bathrobe for 5 years. Grieving doesn't have a time schedule. Nor does it have a season. You come here and post about your love as often as you like. We'll be here.
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